Thinking about thoughtful children

Have been thinking for some time now about the wisdom needed to bring up thoughtful children - as in, children who have a thinking and enquiring disposition about issues of life they read about or encounter. [I am aware that the word "thoughtful" has another more common usage that roughly means considerate to others. That is also another very important virtue, and perhaps a theme of another blog ...]. I like to see my children reflecting upon the things they experience - whether it be a book they read, a piece of news they encounter, or the opinions of someone they hear - and offering well-reasoned insights about them; and doing so on a regular basis.

I think the smartfone generation, with information literally at the fingertips, breeds a certain illusion: that since information is so readily available, we are now a "knowledge generation". The problem is: with so much more knowledge so quickly accessible, there is a temptation to skim knowledge on it's surface instead of thinking about them deeply. This is the proverbial "mile wide but inch deep" way of dealing with information. Many chidren (and adults) therefore think that we know a lot, but it may be the case of knowing very little about the things we know about.

The sad thing is that schools may not be of much help in this regard. The state of affairs of school 'education' in Singapore today is such that almost only the results matter. Teachers, too, (often unconsciously) teach by going straight to the end result of what they intend students to know, skipping much of the reasoning that leads to the results. As an example, I recall how my teachers taught me about the effect of multiplying a number by ten is the "moving of the decimal point one position to the right"; I don't recall the teacher discussing the reasoning process that leads to this result. I doubt it is much different today. [in fact, I checked with all my children who have passed this point of their maths learning. None of them can explain the process to me; neither can they recall the teachers explaining it to them].

So, I guess it is back on the shoulders of parents. It is not easy. I have been trying to ask more "why" questions to my children (especially the older ones). I also try to model thoughtfulness by talking aloud my thoughts to them whenever we discuss an issue (usually over dinner table).

Anyone has something to share on this matter?

Dad needs hugs

Unknown to me, one of the things that I have grown to look forward to when I step home from work is this: my four-year-old running towards me, take a great leap into my arms, culminating in what we have called a 'tight huggie'. I have always thought that it was a gesture of love that I show to my young son. As time went own, I am beginning to feel that it is the other way round too: a gesture of love from my son that I need each day.

Brought up in a 'typical' Chinese home, I am not used to this woozy idea of a father needing love. So it is a little embarrassing to admit this: I need love - from my wife, and my children. And not just from the occasional birthday gifts and regular acts of duty (something I don't despise though - because children obeying their parents is surely a consistent form of love). I also need regular tangible acts of love. It makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. It makes me look forward to coming home.

Apart from the daily 'tight huggie' from my youngest - and he is the most consistent in the home, I also 'demand' a hug from my wife soon after that. [sometimes, my wife is busy at the kitchen and feels too busy to dispense these morsels of love. The youngest will then call out, "mummy, you forget to hug daddy!"] it is sometimes a nuisance to her - especially when she is about to pour the vegetables into the wok. But I am a bit spoilt - I stand there looking really miserable and mutter something like, "darling, i had a tiring day" until she wraps her arms around me. She doesn't say it - but I know she also looks forward to the hug from me each day ...

Although less frequently, I would occasionally go to my girls' (number 2 and 3) room in the night and ask for hugs too. The number 3 (11 years old) is a bit more generous. When she is on the mood, she would sit on my lap - to hug and kiss me goodnite. The number 2 (16 years old) is more miserly. She has started to feel shy, but still do not mind a hug and a peck on the cheek from me. As to the eldest boy (18 years old), hugs are out for a him - he will stiffen like a piece of wood. But putting my arms round his shoulders and giving him a hard pat on his back are what remains of physical bonding.

I guess we all need to be loved - in tangible ways, and regularly. I don't feel guilty or embarrassed asking for hugs any more.