Inculcating good habits in our children

Was thinking about this for much of the past week: how critical are the habits of young children in determining their way of life in much later years? Since I don't know enough about the lives of others, I started by examining the question in the light of my own experience. I think the simple answer is "yes, more critical than most would imagine". Take the example of reading for me. In my childhood and teenage years, reading was never the first priority. I read because I had to - to study for exams, to check out some information. In other words, reading was NOT a habit/routine in my life. Till this day, even after I realize how important reading is - for knowledge and the training of the mind - it somehow is not part of my daily way of life. As in, picking up a book to read is not a natural part of me; I had to consciously remind myself to do it. Or, if you like, reading is NOT pleasure for me, as it is for others I know.

this makes me think that, for habits that are worth carrying on in life, they are perhaps best inculcated in our children when they are much younger. I am beginning to learn - the hard way now - that if I take the easy route of 'letting them be' when they are younger, the good habits - such as being neat and organized, doing first things first, picking up a book to read etc - are far harder to inculcate when they are older and more 'hardened' in their ways.

On hindsight, it may also mean that, at an early stage of parenting, some lifestyle-changing decisions may have to be made. I recall one such change. I used to do this as soon as I come home from work: switch on the TV, slouch into the sofa, and hang my legs up. Hours usually passed unnoticed. My wife noticed that soon, this became the habit of my older children - the first habitual instinct for them when they were free was to go for the TV remote control. TV then had an uncanny way of gobbling up the time that can be spent in more wholesome ways. It came at time when we felt that we had to take a rather drastic decision to annul the habit - so that we could replace them with better ones, like having family dinner and worship after that. We decided to disconnect the TV from the channels. It was a painful decision for me - because by that time, I was a TV addict. True enough, I suffered from 'withdrawal symptoms'. But the positives we gradually got out of this decision far outweighed what I missed. [in fact, my eldest told me a few days ago that he now thinks that it was good for him].

The point is: good habits compete with bad ones. We may find the effort of inculcating good habits in our children (and in us, as models) far more difficult if we, at the same time, sabotage ourselves by inadvertently modeling bad habits. The easy part is in telling our children what good habits are; the difficult part is making painful lifestyle-changing decisions to weed out bad habits in ourselves and to start modeling good ones ...

Coping with 4 children

Whenever I meet a stranger and he/she discovers that I have 4 children, the most common reaction is, "how do you cope?" I usually just smile. actually, I never really gave this question much thought, till a few moments ago ...

As I look closer at myself, I realize that, with time, one of my coping strategy is essentially to lower the expectation for myself - as in the expectation of how much I can do for my children. it is to recognize that, given limited time and energy, I can't do everything. There is a need to prioritize. I guess when some people imagine a father of four children, they think of one constantly under pressure and in action - driving around to fetch children, coaching them in their school work, thinking of ways to earn more money to meet their growing needs, bringing them to vacations, dealing with their naughty behaviors ... [long list]. Actually, thinking about it, I do these things, but not to a point where doing so tires me and rips the enjoyment out of me. For example, I do drive my children to school - but not everyday; I do coach my children in their schoolwork - but not everyday; I do deal with their undesirable behaviours - but not every time.

In fact, a practical way for me to cope and prioritize these things is by way of a fixed
weekly schedule. I coach them in their schoolwork on tue and thur nights. I send them to school on wed, thur, and fri mornings ... But some may wonder, "what if your children want help for school work on other days of the week?" well, if it is a one-off question that requires only a short explanation, I would oblige; but if it requires involved explanations, I would ask them to wait till tue or thur nights. [to me, this is both a way to cope for me as well as a way for my children to learn not to take their dad for granted].

Of course, coping with the needs of children cannot be reduced to just a mechanical adherence to a schedule. I found it also important to deal with our own attitude towards our children. As I always advise my children: if there is something you have to do, it is much better to do it happily. I guess I have to apply it first to myself. Since being a father of 4 children is an 'inescapable responsibility', it is much better to do it happily. I find that once the mindset is one of enjoying the time with the children, the stresses are much reduced.

Ultimately, the answer to the question of "how I cope" is "I can't". At least, I can't do it alone. I have found one of the greatest encouragement of being a christian father is this: only God can move and change the hearts of my children; and I am so glad I can lean upon Him for that.