Loosening the grip ...

One of the sad ironies of life is this: the more you want something, the more it slips away from you. Whenever I think of this adage, the common soap-holding analogy comes to mind - hold it firmly and it stays in the hand; grip it tighter and it slips off the hand. This seems true in many things of life I have experienced: the more I want to hold on to a job, the more it seems to slip away; the more I want to salvage a relationship, the more we push one another apart; the more I want my chidren to conform to my ways, the more they seem to go other ways. The problem is not with the desire; the problem is when the desire for something starts to change me - change me into a desperate, unreasonable, narrow, and ... well- someone that is not fun to be with. I think of a typical example of this in the context of wanting our children to learn good habits. I can often want it so much that I keep correcting them for every single fault they manifest. It starts with occasional correction, then constant reminder, then soon, it degenerates into nagging. in the process, in the eyes of the children, I morph from a caring father into a pedantic foggie and into an unreasonable disciplinarian. Often, we are so caught up with our desire to change them that we are unaware of this process of negative change in ourselves. It is no wonder that many parents share that they find it so hard to help their children in their studies - the 'tuition' sessions usually degenerate into emotionally explosive encounters that leave two angry people: not exactly a conducive environment for learning to take place. Thankfully, in most cases, like the soap that slips off our hand, we can gently pick it up again - this time with greater caution against 'squeezing'. Parenting is a long journey. We can reflect on times when our desire for our children were so unrelenting that it got the better of us. With experience, we can learn when the temptation to 'squeeze' is coming and learn to consciously loosen up. Loosening up, by the way, is not to be confused with letting go. The latter is more akin to giving up; the former is about taking stock, self-reflect, and see ourselves from our children's perspective. For me, the soap bars slip off more often than I like. I pray that my children will be patient with me as I learn the art of soap-holding. Today is a special day: I am flying to Kilimanjaro to attempt to climb the mountain there - the tallest in Africa. I guess this lesson is applicable. I can want to scale the summit so much that it changes me into an irrational and over-gung-ho Lao uncle. Pray for me - that I will know when to loosen the grip.

Courage to take a drastic step when needed

I shared in my earlier blog on 29 Oct 2011 on "constantly stimulating our senses" that we are in a generation where we tend to yearn for constant stimulation - smartfone, Facebook, apps, emails, ... I ended the piece by sharing my apprehension about how my eldest son would take to this temptation for over-stimulation as he embarked on the smartfone lifestyle. It has been half a year since he was given so much 'power' in his hands. A few days ago, he gave me a surprise. He passed me the phone, "dad, this phone is yours now. I don't need it anymore." he has since transferred the 'power' to me, and in return took my 'classic' phone. He said that the basic features of calling and SMS in the 'classic' phone is all that he needs now, and he doesn't need all the other features of smartfone to distract him. Although he doesn't say it, I know it was not an easy decision for him. Based on my observation for the last half a year, his life was already so intertwined with the smartfone - checking emails, playing games, faceboo chats etc - it was very much his all-in-one communication and games console which i thought he would not be able to do without any more. I guess he has come to a point where he realize he cannot have it both ways: enjoying this liberty of easy access to these array of leisure/communication tools and yet not be tempted to use them excessively. I guess it requires humility to admit this: that one is too weak to strike this balance of liberty and so has to err on the side of caution. This reminds me of the bible teaching about "if my right eye offend thee, pluck it out ...". Clearly, the bible is not teaching literal disfigurement to avoid temptation. But I do believe these bible passages teach the need to take drastic action to deal with repeated difficulties to cope with certain temptations. I learnt an important lesson from my son: that if I am weighed down by a constant struggle over something not fundamental to true happiness in my life, I perhaps need the courage simply cut it off altogether.