Why get married?

My elder daughter attended a talk today on "marriage" organized by the school. The teachers told her that the motivation for it was the noticeable increase in young people in Singapore who "do not see the point of getting married". I was just conducting a thought experiment within myself on how best to answer the question of "why marry?" Answer 1: "you need to get married to have children" Rebuttal: no. These days, there is hardly any stigma about having children out of wedlock. In any case, we do not intend to have children. Does your answer imply that if we do not want children that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 2: "being married is one of the happiest state in life" Rebuttal: looking at the married couples around me, they don't look very happy. In fact, some are so unhappy and regretful about their marriage that they are at the brink of divorce. I don't see what is so happy about that. I think we are happier as we are - free and easy. [Ah Leong: this is a sobering thought to me as a parent. How do my children view my marriage? Do they see a marriage that is happy and loving? If they see a dull and lifeless marriage played out in front of them everyday, it is hard to imagine them looking forward to marriage] Answer 3: "you need to get married to apply for a HDB flat" Rebuttal: didn't you hear the PM Lee rally speech. There will be changes to HDB purchasing rules to accommodate singles. Again, does it mean that if we intend to buy private (or fent a flat) that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 4: "research shows that married people tend to stay together compared to co-habiting couples not bound by marriage." Rebuttal: that it happens to others does not mean that it should happen to me. In any case, so what - easy come easy go; if we are not happy together, just part ways. Less hurt than when we are bound by marriage, not to mention the legal battles surrounding matrimonial assets and all. [surprising yet true, this was indeed how one of my daughter's friend think] It appears that no pragmatic answer will satisfy a modern secular mind that does not see marriage belonging to the moral realm. This was indeed what I told my daughter - that marriage is meaningful and truly satisfying only if we understand it in the context of a God-ordained institution. It is God's design, not a man-made structure. As in all things, true and lasting happiness is found when we follow the design and understand the significance of the design from the perspective of the Designer. Rebellion from this order may bring about a fleeting sense of liberation, but will ultimately lead to emptiness and disillusionment. God's ways are higher than our ways.

Threats to fatherly rest

Lately, a few of my friends who are also fathers have been talking about the need for fathers to learn how to rest (or "relak" as singaporeans would say it). As the Chinese saying goes, rest is essential to walk the long distance - in this case, the long walk of parenting. Indeed, there is a need for rest, because fathers tend to fret about many things about our children - their studies, their behaviors, the friends they hang around with, the language they use etc - over and above the stresses of work we experience daily. Apart from setting aside time to rest - to reflect, pray, read, I think there is a need for us to have a restful disposition. By this, I mean the temperament to truly rest our body and soul. In my interaction with my contemporaries, I have found some threats to this restful disposition. One of it is body-mind disjunction. There was a time in my life when I was at work, I thought about the home; and when I was at home, i worried about work. In other words, the body and mind were at different 'places'. This is a very distressing situation, not to mention that this is highly unproductive both ways - in the end, you don't do any of the roles well. Moreover, it causes us to be restless and ultimately joyless - not able to enjoy the work nor the home. At some point in my life, I resolved to keep a strict administrative separation: when I am at home, I concentrate fully on the affairs of the home and resist the temptation (a very real one) to think about work - because, really, it doesn't help anyway; and when I am at work, to focus on doing my work well and not worry about the happenings at home, no matter how difficult things are there. I confess that it is not easy to make the strict separation, and it requires discipline -for example, not to bring work home to tempt the conflation. But over the years, I have learnt enjoyed the fruits of this disciplined separation - restfulness and enjoyment of each of these roles. Another related threat to restfulness is that of living in the past and the future - and thus missing out on enjoying the present. Some of us have a tendency to think about what might have been if we had taken such and such a course and spend a lot of time regretting about wrong decisions. While it is important that we learn from the past, it is quite different to dwell on the past to the point that we do not savor the present. others like to cast their minds on the future and think about what is coming - whether out of excitement or dread. This can also make us unable to enjoy the here and now. One common wisdom shared among parents who are older is this, "enjoy your children; they grow up very fast." many young parents ignore this advice - only to look back much in regret later to realize the wisdom of the advice. It is true that parents can be so engrossed with preparing our children for the future - like getting them to study hard, inculcating in them good habits etc - that we miss out on enjoying them NOW. When our minds are in a state of constantly shifting between past and future, we miss out on resting in the present - and treasuring the beauties that it brings. One of my favorite resting pose these days is to sit on my papa's chair (as my children will call it) and just observe the children. Often they are not aware that I am observing them. They don't do anything unusual - just going about doing the things they usually do. Doing so brings a smile on my face - a wonder that God has kept them all these years - as I enjoy the "present".

Thoughts on National Day

Today is the 47th National Day - celebrating the independence of Singapore. I took the opportunity to ask my children what they thought about National Day over dinner table a few days ago. Here were their responses. 5 year old: great! 11 year old: ok lor. 16 year old: I think the whole thing, including the celebrations in schools, school participation in NDP performances, the community songs etc, is a form of propaganda. I was amused at the different levels of enthusiasm displayed: roughly inversely proportional to their age. But I was particularly struck by the response of the Number 2 - struck by how she responded intellectually rather than emotionally to my prompt. I tended to think that for school-going children and youths, National Day would move their hearts rather than their minds. But since she started it, being a responsible father, I thought I shouldn't leave the "propaganda talk" dangling there. I commented that propaganda is necessary in every country, but what matters were the messages and the motives of those behind the propaganda. Then came the eldest: I think, dad, it is really hard to be a leader. They must take the criticism of the people while trying to do a good job. It is not easy. He went on to share about how his schoolmates around him tend to complain of things they are not happy about the country and how they envisage life in other countries are much better. Having taken on leadership roles in his school club, he knows that the perspectives from those who lead can be very different - they have to balance so many competing priorities to maintain the 'big picture' that it is almost impossible to please everyone. He imagined this challenge of balance is magnified many times at the level of country leadership. I think this ability to see things from multiple perspectives - including the perspective of our bosses and leaders - an important disposition. It discourages tunnel vision and encourages empathy for others (even those whom we disagree with). It also helps us make decisions that are more inclusive. But I am a little sad that (with the exception of the youngest) the children hardly displayed any spontaneous expression of patriotism or emotionally-charged joy typical of an event that is worth celebrating. But looking at myself, it is not surprising: I am hardly a good role model at that. In this regard, my wife is far better. Her actions speak louder than words: she orchestrated a patriotic rendition of "home" by the 3 younger children as a way to whip up some loyalty-in-action in them. [you can view it in Facebook by going to See Lay Keng's homepage]. Happy Birthday Singapore.