romance, intimacy, sex

It's been a while since I blogged.
actually I had wanted to stop altogether.
some experiences over the last few months stirred up some reflections about parenting again and so ...
it is about how hard it is for couples to develop and maintain healthy intimacy in their marriage. And by implication, harder still to teach that to our children so that they too develop strong and loving marriage relationships.

My belief is that (a) intimacy, including sex, is a beautiful thing (b) only within the bond of marriage. But I think that these are not learnt naturally by our children., especially when the views of intimacy 'out there' swing from the extreme of 'intimacy is responsible-free all-pleasure' to that of 'eee, so yucky'.

Thus, there is surely a place for explicit parental teaching on "intimacy". But I think a stronger teaching method is really parental example. By this, I mean that parents should not avoid displaying loving acts of affection to one another in front of their children. In fact, we ought to actively find opportunities to demonstrate suitable forms of intimacy to them. They include the use of affectionate words and tone when speaking to one another, natural body contact when sitting next to one another,  kiss or embrace on suitable occasions such as leaving home for work or returning home from work.

why? How else do our children learn what intimacy between married couples look like? What better way is available for our children to learn (a) above? Yes, surely we would not demonstrate sex to our children; but if they see parental intimacy on a day to day basis and learn from their actions that intimacy is a beautiful thing, surely they can understand by extension that sex between their parents is also a wonderful expression of their genuine love to one abother.

I should think that parental demonstration of intimacy has the effect of implicitly  teaching (b) as well. You see, children are very observant. They can see that the intimacy that their parents display at home is an exclusive intimacy - ie，it is reserved solely for one another and to no one else. The conclusion can then be made even in their little minds: this kind of intimacy is specially reserved for dad and mum, and thus for married couples only.

Now I know that many Singaporeans like me are very conservative with regards to showing conjugal affections openly. Kissing between couples - even married couples - are greeted with 'choy, choy!' (Cantonese?); they are considered indecent acts. But what is so indecent about a husband giving his wife a loving smooch in front of his children in the privacy of his home? [Of course, doing so in a crowded mrt train is an altogether different matter ...]. Even so, I know we have to cross our internal cultural and psychological barriers to do such 'western' things. Frankly, to me, it doesnt matter whether it is eastern nor western so long as it is the right thing to do. In the case of teaching our children the right view of intimacy, I believe parental demonstration of intimacy is necessary - both for our children and for strengthening our marriage.

This is my current stage of amateurish practice of this 'art': my youngest boy greeted me when I came home one day; I threw open my arms in anticipation that he would leap onto them in warm welcoming embrace; he took a few steps and the stopped, "Dad, you forget something; you need to kiss mummy first!"

Enjoying a happy Number 4

Some 7 years ago, my wife and I received the news that she was pregnant with our 4th child. The initial mixed feelings - between joy and apprehension about whether we can cope with one more - soon gave way to an expectancy and resolution: We want to make this a happy child! The stress on happiness was against the backdrop then of many stresses that we could see our first 3 children endured - constantly under high stress state of meeting academic and behavioral standards. A typical day then for our children was studies-at-school and homework-at-home. The weekends were not spared from the presence of additional homework. It did not help that when the children were not self-motivated, we felt the need to remind them to work hard, which usually kick started cycles of scold-sour mood-poor work-more scolding-unhappiness...We knew that our monitoring (or nagging) breeds a mood of negativeness and unhappiness for everyone; yet we could not leave them alone in their ill-discipline and lack of concentration in their studies. We were convinced we had to break this unhappiness trap for our no. 4. We think the key was in shifting the focus from negativeness (constant scolding and corrections) to positiveness (enjoying him and surround him with warmth/laughter). This, of course, did not mean an abandonment of one for the others; it was a case of rebalancing of emphasis. For the last 6 years, the time spent with him was with the main view of enjoying him, with training in behavior and character done as positive as we could. We also thought that, for our first three children, we were too absorbed in the work of parenting - the teaching, monitoring, correction, and disciplining - that we had forgotten to enjoy the time we spent with them. For them, the years seemed to roll by so quickly that, before we knew it,their childhood was over in a jiffy. For the no.4 then, we were intend to enjoy his childhood before we live to regret again. [thankfully, we had another chance to 'right the wrong'] I am looking at him now as I write. He is indeed a happy child. We thank God for that. We hope he will look back at his childhood with many fond memories. Just a while ago, he picked a twig and wrote some words on the playground sandpit, "Seth loves my family". We know full well the challenges that may shake this happy state when he goes to school in half a year's time. But for now, we savour a moment of enjoyment - a treasure from God.

How not to nag ...

I have always wondered, "How nice if my children can exercise more ownership of their duties - wash the dishes, clear their laundry, do their homework, practise self-discipline - all these without reminders from parents!" It is certainly much better if these are personally-owned and internalized rather than externally imposed responsibilities. It is very tiring (not to mention anger-inducing) for parents to have to keep track of whether their work is done and to follow-up with reminders (or naggings). Moreover, this constant cajoling is counter-productive if the goal is to instill in them the initiative from within themselves to carry these duties cheerfully. The question is: how can we help programme in their systems these routines so that it becomes part of them and hence achieve the state of internal motivation? We tried a number of things - with mixed results. One principle we hold on to is that we do not do for them something they can do for themselves. i recognize that the instinct for us parents is to quickly rush to the aid of our children when we see them struggling with something - such as tying shoelaces for very young children or facing difficulties with a maths problem for older children. I guess this instinct arises from our wanting to help our children. It is further accentuated in busy Singapore - we are always rushing so we reckon (perhaps unconsciously) that if we do it for them, it is much faster and so we save time. So, it was very hard when we initially tried out this principle in practice. We are always tempted to do it for them or to give them the answers straightaway. But we became convinced that, in the long run, rushing to their help stunts their learning to own the problems (and the solutions) for themselves. For example, if we plan their weekend schedule for them all the time, it takes from them the opportunity to learn to prioritize their commitments and take responsibility for what they plan. Of course, when they are too young, they may not be able to carry out very complicated tasks completely independently. We are happy to provide consultation whenever they need. On the domestic front, we also tried to give them household duties - such as wiping the dinner table, loading the dishwasher, cutting fruits, clearing the sink - as early as possible. My 6-year old, for example, starts with setting the table and mopping the floor. The intention is that these duties would help anchor them to a stake in the home - that they have a responsibility to the family and should learn to contribute to its working. But none of these methods are always effective. There are (many times) when we ended up in a who-blinks-first situation; that is, when certain duties we expect the child to do but he/she has neglected it for some time - in the spirit of self-ownership we should refrain from nagging but we struggle within ourselves to live with the mess and bad consequences that such negligence results. This will be the case so long as there exists value misalignment: the values of the child is not aligned to the values of the parents. For example, the value of the parent places neatness in a high priority; the value of the child is such that neatness is unimportant; result: child's room is messy, parents want him/her to learn ownership and so refrain from tidying it for the child, the child can live with the messiness, the parents can't take it and so clean it up, thus feeding on the vicious cycle of parent-child value misalignment, since the child knows that it will always be sorted out in the end. Thus, ultimately, the values alignment must take place in the heart of the child. He must come to learn that something is more important than others and they should thus be organized according to their priorities. Parents may try to hasten this process of learning by instruction, repetitions, rewards (or even punishments), but we can't directly force it upon them else it defeats the very purpose of them imbibing these routines as personally owned. In short, I recognize the need of patient prayer and waiting in this long process of learning responsibility in our children. Meanwhile, I read them this verse whenever I am down, "My son, give me thine heart ..." (Prov 23:26).

What is the most important 'virtue' I like to see in my children?

A few days ago, my younger daughter popped a question to me, "Dad, what do you think is the most important virtue?" I was caught by the question but gave an instinctive answer, "Obedience". She looked a little surprised, perhaps both by how 'uncool' the answer was and how different it was from her set of anticipated answers. I probably gave that answer because I had been emphasizing to my 5-year old for some time now that obedience from him was the most pleasing thing that he could give to us. I guess it was natural, after all those repetitions to him, that "obedience" just surfaced prominently when I answered my daughter. But that exchange didn't stop there; it got me thinking over the last few days about whether obedience is indeed one of the most important 'virtues' we want to inculcate in our children. Is obedience important only when they are very young and less so when they grow older? Is obedience out-of-fashion these days, since I hardly hear it mentioned anymore? I guess if you ask teachers who have been teaching for some years and have personally experienced growing defiance by their students, they might secretly confide their wish for their charges to learn more obedience. I am aware that the word "obedience" may in our current individualistic climate be associated with more negative interpretations such as passive compliance, blind following of instructions, mindless learning by rote etc. to me, obedience and sense-making need not be mutually exclusive: the desire to understand the "why"s of rules/instructions can be consistent with a healthy respect for and obedience of authority. My concern is that the popular culture today has swung the pendulum to an extreme: a default suspicion of authority and a refusal to obey it unless the reasons can be understood immediately without delay. There is no need, of course, to swing to the other extreme. I think a healthy balance is one where we obey lawful authority (e.g., parents and teachers) cheerfully; and in cases where the instructions are not obviously sensible to us, to seek clarity respectfully. I guess the home is a natural starting place to teach and expect obedience. The ideal situation is that children learn obedience and healthy respect for their parents from an early age so that this view-of-life can be translated to other lawful authorities throughout their lives. The reality, though, is quite different. Many parents (including me, which is why I am now reflecting on it ...) focused on other 'virtues' and neglecting the training of obedience only to discover later - sometimes too late - that once the children have developed a habit of disobedience, it is hard to unwind. The fact is that teaching obedience is hard work and one that you will face constant resistance. Obedience is not the natural disposition of children; self will is. As such, training obedience requires much discipline and consistency. I am convinced it is worth the effort. Do I think that obedience will remain a good 'virtue' as the children grow older, even into adulthood? I guess the question can be asked in another way, "as an adult now, do I consider obedience as my defining attribute?" I think of an obedient disposition in adults as a kind of constant recognition that we are not autonomous but "men under authority". If so, my answer is an unquestionably "yes". I acknowledge that I am under God's authority and His law-word, and that obedience to His ways is the best way to life, because I know no better. I am happy if others view me as obedient in this way. And I pray it will be the same for my children too, now and when they grow up.

Saying "no" to my children

One of the most painful thing I do as a father is to say "no" (and all its variants, including "not yet") to my children. It is painful because no matter how I sugarcoat the "no" and explain why I cannot accede, they go away with a disappointed look - and it is painful to sadden your children. It is also painful because of the irony - I say "no" because I believe, out of love, "no" is in their best interest; but it is often interpreted by them as the very opposite, that is, I do not care what is in their best interest and therefore I say "no" to them. It is heart-wrenching to see that what is intended as an act of love be interpreted on the other end as an uncaring decision, no matter how hard I try to understand their position and to explain mine. This is especially so when it touches on spiritual matters. As a Christian father, many of my decisions are made on the grounds of what is morally right from a Christian perspective. But the children, when they have not personally owned the faith, may not yet share these same moral standards. For example, when my children were younger, some of them could not understand why I am insistent on not allowing them to skip family worship even when they were very tired and felt like sleeping instead. In times like these, you can see from the body language that they become reluctant participants. It is painful because you feel that what we believe is best for them is taken as unimportant and burdensome. In such occasions, we lean on God and trust that He will honor our "no" and will give us the courage to continue persevering - that the children will one day understand the true love and good behind our "no"s. But there is yet another kind of pain involved. It is this: very often, especially in the BIG decisions that is not so clearly on moral grounds, I am not very sure if "no" was really a better decision because we cannot ascertain how future events would unfold; but because we need to make a decision (and the buck stops at me), we had to choose one option. We do so painfully aware that a wrong decision can adversely affect them in significant ways further down the road in their lives. We can think of many such examples: "dad, should I enrol in the poly instead of JC?" "Dad I don't like to go to school, can I be homeschooled instead?" "Dad I prefer to study in school with friends. I want to come home later." "Dad, can I have a personal laptop? More and and more schoolwork are now online and I will be disadvantaged because most of my friends have their own computers. And I have to share with 3 siblings ..." "How about smartfones? My friends can't contact me through watsapp if dont have one and I will be socially cut off from them." These are hard questions for me and for my children. Taking a decision one way can result in significant career/social/lifestyle options open/close to them later on. It is also humbling because - up till now - we do not know if the decisions we made for each child is really working better for them. We just have to confess our inadequacy to our children and ask them to join us in trusting God for each turn in life. Despite the pains and uncertainties surrounding decision-making as a father, I am thankful for encouragement along the way. And it is most heart-warming when you hear it from your children. Recently, my eldest son shared this to me: a friend of his was complaining to him that he finds himself always running short of money despite getting significantly more pocket money than my son. He was curious to find out how my son coped with what he considered an unbelievably inadequate amount of pocket money. In the course of their mutual chats about money, his friend discovered that since very early days, I had said "no" to my son when he asked to have an ATM card as a way to help him manage his expenses. At that point of the 'story', my son paused and looked at me with a smile, "you know what dad, he says that there is wisdom in that decision". I thank God for these encouragements along the way. It does give me strength to continue these oft-unappreciated role of father-as-tough-decision-maker.

Father as leader of the family

In my casual chats with my children, I sometimes pop this question to them, "your friends in school - how do they they view their father?" On the whole, the portrait is one where the father is one they go to for money, and one enters into their lives when there are important events - like outings, holidays, birthdays etc. at its worst, some of them do not even wish to talk about their father. It is quite sad. It sounds like they do not think that their fathers have a significant part to play in their everyday lives. I had thought that this passive, hands-off approach to fathering belonged only to a bygone era. Perhaps the strain of juggling with work and family, not to mention the great challenge of communicating with teenage children, is a cause of the father-children relationship chill. This reminds me of how important it is to stay engaged with my children. It also means that active fathering cannot remain as a wish - it has to be a priority, one that has to be accompanied with a deliberate plan and concrete action. But this also prompts a more personal question,"how would I want my children to view me as a father?" I have never asked this question to my children (and, since my older children read this blog, they can perhaps answer this question as comments) nor to myself before. I took a while to reflect on this question. Many words such as decision-maker, carer, visionary for the family, protector, shepherd, stabilizer etc came to mind. But I suppose "leader" sums it all up. I would like my children (and my wife) to see me as one who provides leadership for the family - along spiritual, material, intellectual, and emotional planes. But as soon as you accept this role, you know why it is so tough - leaders have to solve problems, think a few steps ahead, set the example, chart the direction, do unpopular things sometimes, provide a stable environment, do all the above without getting appreciation, and get the blame for any mishaps. I must confess there are times I feel like shirking from it and just let the family glide along without direction and correction. But I know the cost is too great for them and for me. Above all, I believe it is God's calling for me to be a father-leader and He will give me strength despite my inadequacies.

On smartfones - again

For friends who have been following this blog, I can understand if your first impression is: talking about smartfones AGAIN? I can also understand if you read no further ... It is "again" because my family felt the need to revisit this topic a few days ago. It just occurred to me that, for many years, I had been insisting on putting the desktop computer out in the open in the living room for two reasons: (1) everyone else can see what we are doing - the sites that we are visiting - and that enhances accountability; and (2) others can help us keep track of the time we spend, especially on unproductive things, and so help to remind us not to over-indulge in computer time. But I just realized that the children's use of smartfones (and the easy wifi access anywhere in the house, not to mention 3G service everywhere else) directly sabotages the principles mentioned above. So while the home computer still sits in the living room as a semblance of accountability, smartfones are used everywhere all over the house and at all times without accountability. I was glad that we (parents and the two older children) could sit down and have a nice calm meeting to talk through our concerns and counter-concerns regarding smartfone-use in the home. In the end, we arrived at these 'rules': 1. Use of phones only in 'public' spaces in the home such as in the living room and kitchen, not in toilets and bedrooms; 2. Bedroom doors should remain open (of course, except when we need to change) so we can help each other in the monitoring; 3. No use of phones after 10pm; 4. When not in use, phones should be placed at a common space 5. When found to contravene these rules above, we should be prepared to give up the use of the fone without putting up a resistance. These rules apply to all, including me. So friends, if you send me a message after 10, you now know why you may only get a reply the next morning. I can understand a reader may find this too restrictive and even counter productive in the long term - one may argue for a case that this is replacing the self-discipline that children should inculcate for themselves in the long run. For me, I have seen that gadget-addiction knows no boundaries - it afflicts both children as well as adults (including me). I think it helps to maintain a discipline right from the start. What do you think?

Parents giving tuition to children

It just occurred to me that I have been giving maths tuition to my children for some 12 years now (since my eldest was Primary 1 and he is now awaiting his A Level results). When I began this regular twice-a-week tuition journey with my children, I didn't give it much thought. I was then motivated by these instincts: since I am a maths teacher, it seems natural that I teach my children maths; that I can save money by not engaging tutors is an added bonus! Recently, a colleague who is also a maths teacher remarked that he "can't teach his children and would rather engage a tutor". This prompted me to reflect on my practice of tutoring my children. In hindsight, there were indeed many moments of tension. The big difference between teaching my children and other people's children is this: i have a tendency to lose my professionalism. For example, when I am faced with a struggling student in class (or during one-one consultation), my professional mode kicks in - keep calm and patient, diagnose his difficulties, work out an internal remediation plan, and execute it with encouragement. But when it is with my children, two big problems crop out: I up my expectations (unconsciously) of their behavior and ability - to a point that I am setting myself up for disappointment; and, to make it worse, the children, because of their over-familiarity with me, tend to exhibit bad attitudes and behavior that they don't normally reveal to their teachers, further fueling the tension. When these problems cannot be overcome, the tuition sessions become charged with negative energy and emotional blockades rather than enjoyment and positive learning. I can therefor understand why some parents - even those who are teachers by profession - choose to avoid this potential strain in parent-child relationship. By I have also experienced many positives in this 12-year journey. As a parent, I have certainly grown more patient with my children over time. I have Learnt to accept that, like my students in school, they too find certain ideas (that seemed obvious to me) strange at first introduction and more time/explanation is needed before they sink in. I have also learnt - through tuition interactions - that each of my child has different academic orientations as well as psychological barriers. We can then work through some of these mental hindrances - whether it is a lack of confidence or distorted beliefs about maths - both during and after tuition sessions. As a teaching professional, the experience of teaching my children - and that over different year levels from P1 to JC - has opened up new perspectives of how different children learn (or find it difficult to learn), and allowed me to test out a range of instructional approaches. I believe that has also helped me to be a better teacher. In terms of parent-child relationship, if we can work out a certain routine - such as "no walking out from the tuition table" - I think it can help draw bring down potential inhibitions in out relationship. After all, they are used to asking me questions and hearing my answers during tuition, it would not be strange to approach me for advice on other things of life? These are, of course, purely from my perspective of things, I am quite sure you will get something different from my children. For sure, my wife gives a different assessment, "never seen such a lazy tutor! Doing his own stuff while giving tuition ..." Er ... I may this discussion over is last comment for a separate blog ...

Is parenting a gamble?

A few days ago, I heard this mentioned by a guest speaker of a radio talkshow: in life, there are full of gambles, for example, having children is gambling ... It took me a while to take it in. As preposterous as it sounds, as I dug into my recollections of interactions with people, I think many people subscribe to this comparison, though perhaps unconsciously. Many old folks I know who are disappointed with their grown children's treatment of them would somehow mutter a line, "if I knew then, I would have preferred giving birth to a charsiew (pork bun)". But this line of thinking about parenting is not very helpful. In fact, it can bring about much unhappiness ... First, gambling presupposes a motive of (usually monetary) gain. [of course, the reality is often very different ...]. I think any one who goes into parenting with the "what can I gain out of it?" mentality is not doing a service to themselves nor to their children. You may even be priming yourself up for disappointment. Parenting is the best place to practice and experience this truism, "it is more blessed to give than to receive." This does not mean, of course, that parenting cannot be rewarding. I am thankful that God has encouraged me over the years with many non-material 'gains' - a hug here, a smiling face there, and their warm company throughout the days. But, it is quite another thing to strive for gains in its own right. Second, gambling is a totally helpless 'game'- once you put the bet, it is left to 'chance'. I certainly don't like this picture of helplessness and inability-to-intervene applied to parenting. It renders the work of parenting passive and deterministic. I suspect some parents indeed unconsciously subscribe to this portrayal - children just 'become' good or bad regardless of what we do. But parenting is anything but that. It should involve a constant involvement in the lives of our children - not only in the 'big turns' of their lives but on a regular daily basis. I want to be right-there-in-the-mix throughout their sadness and joys, success and failings. If we are not 'in' in their everyday lives, it is unlikely they will let us 'in' in times of crises. Yes, it is true that we cannot guarantee any thing about our children no matter how hard we try. [as a Christian, we depend on God's grace for everything]. But it is quite another thing to adopt a resigned attitude towards how our children turn out. Third, in gambling, the final outcome is all that matters: win-exuberance, lose-dashed. It is very sad if one thinks of parenting in this way - one that is purely outcome-oriented. In my short 18 years of parenting, I have learnt that it should not be outcomes that we should look forward to; much of the pleasures (and, of course, pains and hence learning) is derived in the PROCESS of parenting. I believe I am now a different person as a father because I learn along my children's growth - about them, about myself, and about how we relate to one another. I urge parents to think of parenting as a long journey which in itself (not just the destination) is worth experiencing because we grow with the children through it. No matter how difficult a task it is, parenting should not be associated with all the negativeness of gambling. When I started parenting many years ago, all I knew was that this is God's calling for me and I am going to trust Him for that. There is a lot of positiveness and hope in this thought. I haven't changed my mind.

Virtual communication as good as "real"?

I find this scene an increasingly common sight: a couple around a dinner table in a restaurant seated opposite each other; they hardly talk to one another, rather, their eyes are glued onto their respective phones/tablets. They are physically near to one another, but their minds are linked to others faraway at the other end of the cyber highways emanating from their electronic devices. I suppose this is a picture of modern 'communication' - conversing primarily through the gadgets on our palms rather than through the traditional 4-eyes meeting. "But what's wrong with that?" Some may respond. "This shows we are tapping on technology to communicate in ways and in speeds of interaction not previously possible." Yes, I have personally experienced the wonder of such possibilities: such as skyping with someone faraway - the closest thing to being next to the person. But, my discomfort is not in the prudent use of these communication devices, but the over-reliance on them to the point that one spends a disproportionate amount of time on it - there's no end to Skype, Facebook, SMS, watsapp, email etc - and little time on face-to-face interactions. Worse, I fear that some (including adults) are so honed to these virtual interactions that they have lost the art of "real" interactions. I know I am sounding really old-fashioned when I say this: but I think "real" communication face-to-face is of a very different nature from the virtual one. Just a few weeks ago, a friend shared to me about a hard lesson he learnt: he was maintaining friendship with someone exclusively through exchanging emails with the person. Months later, the correspondence ended in a very big misunderstanding that no further attempts at clarification could salvage the friendship. The person understood his emails in a very different way from what he had intended. There is a place for written correspondence - to deny it is to conclude foolishly that letter-writing in the past did not serve its purpose. But I suppose today, with the speed in which we type messages and obtain responses, we are sometimes lulled into a false sense that these online exchanges are identical to (and perhaps, can replace) face-to-face communications. The beauty of these traditional ways of interaction is that all of the multiple senses that God has given us can be brought into use in the communication process bi-directionally: we look at the body language, we listen to what and how things are said, we feel a nudge on our shoulder or a pat on our back [not to mention the catalytic effect of sipping coffee while enjoying all of the above]. I share these because I am concerned that our children will slip into this predominant virtual mode of communication and slowly lose the ability (through lack of practice) to enjoy interaction in actual social settings. I am beginning to see traces of such awkwardness when some youngsters gather. The ubiquity of smartphones and tablets do not help this cause. I suppose one of the best 'practice ground' for social interaction is the home. In the home, they start with familiar folks and they get to interact with people across a range of age groups - a microcosm of the wider social community. The key, I guess, is to create plenty of opportunities to communicate with one another in the family - and enjoying the process while we are at it. And one more thing: I ban the use of phones around the meal table. Too extreme?

Coping with stress

There has been a lot of talk lately about stress our children are experiencing because of the major exams. Most agree that some stress is helpful - to prevent complacency and mediocrity; and too much can detract from the holistic goals of education - no time and passion for anything else except drilling for exam performance. It is nice to know that this issue is now raised to a level where serious discussions are conducted, with the hope of structural changes to alleviate the over-stress problem. But, policy tweaks can only do so much. There are other sources of stress (which I suspect are more fundamental), not least of which is internal stress generated by being kiasu (fear of failure). If we accept that stress is something our children need to cope throughout life in Singapore, it is perhaps more useful to help our children learn to deal with stress than await some magic solutions to happen from the authorities. In this regard, looking at how my two older children are so stressed out over the recent exams, I am clearly not doing so well. This explains the following thoughts ... Internal stress usually starts when we compare with others around us. The problem, though, is not with comparison per se; rather, it is with the wrong response to the comparison, such as being seized by fear of losing out if we do not catch up, or being driven solely with the obsession of wanting to beat our competitors to stay on top. I like to think that the right response to comparison is: "I see they are better, how can I learn from them?" Or "our strengths are in different areas; how can we work as a team to complement each other?" Another way to deal with the 'comparison issue' is to change the object of comparison. Instead of comparing with others, we should compare with ourselves, ie, instead of looking at how I fare in relation to others, focus on how I fare against my potential, given the constraints. If we are honestly able to say that, given the time, talent, and resources, it is the best we can do, then I don't see why we need to over stress ourselves with feelings of guilt that we can't perform as well as others. Well, the most important way to deal with stress is ultimately to learn to commit our ways to God. It is to confess that, no matter how hard we try by ourselves, we cannot meet the standards - not even the ones we set for ourselves. We need to depend on God to take us through all of life's challenges. It is to entrust ourselves in His care, knowing that He knows what is best for us even when we think it is not the best for ourselves. This is one lesson that is easy to articulate but hard to live out. I pray that my children and I will not only know this propositionally, but also experientially.

Why study so hard?

As you know, it is exam season - O and A level - in my family now. A few days ago, one of them asked me this question, "dad, what actually is a good motivation for studying so hard?" I was stunned for a while. In that few seconds before I provided an answer, a number of thoughts ran through my mind (and still running ...). I couldnt make myself say, "to do well in exams so as to get a well-paying job next time." Although it is true that the correlation between good results and well-paying jobs is high, I am hesitant to give the impression that the greatest motivation for her to study is to land her with a well-paying job in future. It has too strong a pragmatic bend to it. And, if the ultimate purpose for a 'good job' is to earn lots of money, then there is a further materialistic ring to it as well. I am aware that other parents would have no qualms providing well-paying jobs as a motivation for their children to study hard, and I can understand why. But, as a Christian parent, I believe there should be more to it. It has to do with the goal of study - knowledge. [there is of course a difference between "study hard" and "study hard for exams". The latter is very narrow in scope; the former has to do with a disposition towards the acquisition of knowledge]. I would like my children to see knowledge as derived ultimately from God - it is worth acquiring in its own right insofar as it helps us to know God and His creation order better, not just because of the extrinsic rewards as a result of the knowledge acquired. In this sense, studying hard to acquire knowledge is one way to realize our potential as His creatures - to know Him and to understand the world that He has called us to subdue. Well, for obvious reasons, I didn't provide such a long answer to my daughter. I just said to her, "well, this is your current station of life - as a student - that God has called you into right now. For that, you need to be faithful to your calling - by studying hard."

Teaching cantonese

I have always wanted to get my children to learn their 'father tongue': Cantonese. Haven't been successful - in fact, a total failure. Well, I can blame many things, such as the school focus being only English and mandarin, my wife is hokkien, the low economic value of cantonese ... . But if I am to be honest, I don't have to look very far. The root cause is traceable to me. As always, without the parent modelling it [my default language is english], it is hard to expect the children to pick it up seriously. To be honest, I don't have a foolproof argument for why i think the children should learn cantonese. I just think that it helps to know another language, and the natural choice - among many vying candidates such as Japanese, Spanish ... - is the one that reflects our ethnic roots best. That knowing cantonese helps them communicate better with their grandparents (and even less incentivizing, makes them feel at home in Hong Kong and Chinatowns all over the world) is extra motivation. Well, I received an encouragement a few days ago. My eldest son - who is doing his 'A' level now - said that one of his resolutions while awaiting the call for military service is to learn cantonese! That gave me a boost to try harder. As always, it seems sensible to start with the one that offers the least resistance: the youngest 5-year old. For the last few days, I have been working on him; I taught him some stock cantonese phrases like sek fai ti, guai guai ... He has been lapping them up. I hope this will last ...

Crossing boundaries

The first time I was made to think more consciously about "lines" within society was when Lee Kuan Yew spoke about deep "fault lines" within our seemingly harmonious Singapore society. He was referring to racial lines that are invisible (especially during peace times) but are nonetheless very real (especially during turbulent times stirred up by regional radical elements) and can surface in ways that are catastrophic for societies - much like how fault lines surface in earthquakes. These lines are very much like boundaries between two states. They are not bad in themselves. They demarcate a border between two peoples so that there is mutual respect, and so that the people on the respective sides of the line can have a sense of jurisdictional integrity and identity. The problem is: a line also accentuates the differences between peoples on both sides of it. This consciousness of differences can be so heightened that it can alienate one from the other, become a barrier in communication, and ultimately threaten the unity of the peoples. In case you are thinking that I am writing a political commentary piece, I am not. I am using this as a reflection of all kinds of lines that separate people in society (in communities, and even families). I think of divides like rich/poor, local-/foreign-born, white-/blue-collared, academically/technically-inclined, and the list goes on. Each of these lines has the potential to fragment communities. In each case, the 'inferior' side of the line is sensitive to their lower status and the natural thing to do is to seek solidarity within the comfort zone of mingling solely among themselves; the 'superior' side is also usually insensitive to the feelings of the other side and are quite happy to interact among themselves. With time, invisible (but very real) walls are formed which create suspicion, fear, and disunity within communities. Which is why I think that in every community (including family), we need "boundary crossers" who naturally look beyond the differences and have the communicative sensitivities to bridge peoples across these divides through common causes. These bridge-builders are so important to our society that we need a lot of them around. Which leads to why I am writing this piece in the first place: it arises from a question I ask myself, "in educating my children, do I imbue in them this boundary-crossing mindset? Or worse, do I accentuate these divides by (unconsciously) modeling stay-within-this-side thinking instead?

Thoughts on public sex

There have been quite a bit of media hooha on the couple who publicize their sex - with vivid images - in the open domain. It is shocking as most Asians still regard the sex act as a very private matter. Many are thus shocked that the couple has no qualms about challenging this social norm, and defending their right to do so despite calls for their repentance. On the other hand, as I thought about it, what they did actually shouldn't really surprise us. They are simply being consistent to a view of life that is shared by many (I suspect even among those who castigate them): moral relativism. It is a belief that there are no moral absolutes; instead, what is right or wrong depends on the times and the contexts in which one lives, or even one's personal point of view - that is, everyone is entitled to their own values so long as it doesn't harm others, so "don't tell me what to do. It is my business". In the case of the couple who parade their escapades, they are just carrying out this version of moral relativism - that, to them, sex is just an act of pleasure shared by two persons, no different from how others enjoy a meal together in a fun way - to its logical conclusion. Sadly, i think many of us, though outwardly moralistic, are secret moral relativist at heart. In other words, when pressed with a robust response to why we live the way we should - such as, why we do not endorse extra-marital affairs -, we may end up simply saying something along the lines that it is part of our personal value system, while acknowledging that others need not share the same. Well, It seems quite fine for us. But it is not quite a sufficient basis to educate our children on. How would we then answer if our children say, "in that case, I am different from you - unlike you, I move with the times ..."? Thankfully, we need not go down relativism's dead end. I tell my children that men, left to ourselves, contrary to how great we think ourselves to be, do not know what is right or wrong for us. We need a moral absolute that can come from one who is Absolute. Only He can tell us what is ultimately good for us. And it is in following God's wise design that we can derive the true happiness that is meant for us to enjoy. I believe this with all my heart, and pray that my children will learn the same.

Talking about sex

As most parents would testify, it is hard to talk about "sex" with our children. I recall the first time I broached it over our dinner table, it felt like it got stuck as a lump in my throat. I had to do the roundabout thing: do you know how plants multiply through fertilization? And how about animals? Have you seen how the lions copulate in the zoo? ... It was quite tough, but I got there. It was quite unnatural for me - having been brought up in a family that didn't discuss these matters openly. For me, I learnt it along the way from my friends - in hush tones and amidst lewd giggles - in school. It was quite bad 'education', as I picked up a lot of twisted ideas of what sex means, and had to spent many years subsequently unlearning them before slowly sorting my thoughts out about it. One perverse view of sex is the over-magnification of its attraction as pure sensual pleasure, obscuring the vital context within which this pleasure serves and derives its legitimacy from: marriage. This is God's design - that physical intimacy between husband and wife is both a physical expression of love between them as well as a glue that strengthens the bond in their marriage. But modern men have a knack for ripping out a wise design to take only the part - in this case, sex - that provides the quickest grafification. The Hollywood portrayal of sex as do-it-when-I-feel-like-it is a direct application of this perversion. It encourages an irresponsible and shallow understanding of sex that ultimately renders it as a hollow physical act and an irony - instead of bringing the satisfaction it promises, it creates a misplaced appetite for lust that is insatiable. When men isolate sex from marriage, they think it is a master stroke of ingenuity - to be able to enjoy pleasure without responsibility and accountability ( to God and wife). This deviation from God's design for true happiness may bring about fleeting pleasures, but never lasting satisfaction of the soul. [in fact, it results in lasting pains - morally, emotionally, and sometimes, even physically] But another wrong reaction - in the other extreme, and more common among boys who first hear about sex - is "eeee ... Yucks". Sex in this view is seen as 'dirty' and associated with something inordinate. This view must also be corrected - sex cannot be eeeky because God instituted it. It is part of His beautiful creation to be enjoyed under His wise design of marriage. The children should know that when their parents retire into the privacy of their bedroom, they are not doing some dark unspeakables in some dark corners of their room, they are living out one of the most beautiful expressions of love between man and woman as they rest assured within God's wonderful design. Well, I didn't intend to write so much on this. As you can see, there is quite a lot to untangle about sex. Which explains why I prefer that my children first hear it from me.

Setting expectations

This is a double whammy year: my eldest is sitting for his A level exams and my number 2 is doing her O level. Every now and then, we talked about the stresses they faced - most of the time, not from their parents. Tonight, both of them talked about how the school exam papers are usually set at a few notches tougher than the actual A or O level papers. This appears to be true for all the subjects they take. I know - this is an old 'trick' that teachers use. The logic is this: set the school papers consistently more challenging to raise the standards and expectations for students to strive towards. If they can reach it, excellent; but even if they fall short by a few rungs, still very good, as in, still A grade. [think about it, this somewhat epitomizes the 'singapore spirit' - for good or bad. It is that "meeting standard" is not good enough type of mentality; excellence far exceeding expectations is the goal for all]. I recall some words of wisdom I received from a principal in my early days of teaching. She said that setting higher-than-needed expectations is a "double-edged sword", meaning, it can motivate those who are already driven to excel, but it can also discourage those who are already struggling to meet the basic requirements. Constant use of such a double-edged instrument can thus cause a widening of the gap between these groups of students. I can't help making a connection to parenting. I think it is important that our children ought to make striving for excellence a necessary disposition in life. For that, there is certainly a place for parents to set high expectations for them - not just in studies, but in all other areas that we deem as important for them. Habitual mediocrity is damaging for the child, not to mention its impact to the whole of Singapore. But I have learnt that this is only one side of the story; our children need encouragement too. It is no good simply telling a child who is discouraged with failures that he needs to attain even higher standards than the ones that he had just failed in. He needs some timely encouragement instead. Perhaps one good form of encouragement is success itself. I have observed how words of praises and appreciation for small deeds of kindness and love - such as helping their mother with the dishes or giving me a hug - bring a smile on their faces when they are most 'down'. I am not sure if they are sufficient to encourage them. But I trust they all add up.

A day out with my daughter - Part II

While waiting for the movie, we both - separately and without collusion - wrote our thoughts on the day at kopitiam while having a drink. Mine appeared in the previous blog. Here is the one written by my daughter (with minor editing): "I expected going JCube with Dad: watching movie, going home - parents' modus operandi. I was thinking at first: another father-daughter bonding session that i can make use of to catch a movie. Thus, i did not expect the unusual experience i had today. After arriving at the mall and thinking that we were just in time for the movie we had wanted to watch, we found out that the movie was not showing. We decided to go for another movie and hence while waiting we went to a fastfood, unhealthy-full-of-preservatives-but-we-haven't-gone-there-for-ages place, KFC. Dad happened to comment on the slightly disabled people that KFC hired and announced his desire to patronise KFC more in future. My reflections: there are many other slightly disabled people out there who do not have employment. How can we help them? I am quite horrified whenever i think/read about these matters - when the rich gets richer and the poor poorer. I think of charity organisations whose managers take out so much of the donations meant for the needy. And ourselves? why do we live in such denial? We do not help, but just listen and shed crocodile tears. Yes, this world is not my home and i'm just passing through, but we cannot wallow in our own comforts and forget about the needs of others! Perhaps since this is about going-out-with-dad day that i am expected to write something about him. And yes, i have found that in everyone, there is a 'kindred soul' and my father has one. I want to see myself as a "helper of humans" and hope that this world may change."

A day out with my daughter

I took leave from work today to spend some time with my Number 3 - as this week is a school recess in Singapore. It is nice to have some 'exclusive time' with my daughter. [the children grow up so fast that I thought I better 'catch' more of them before these younger days zoom by]. we had lunch at an unusual place - KFC. it turned out to be quite an experience for me. [I urge readers to resist laughing at me at this point. Fastfood is rather unusual for my family, especially for me]. I queued up for the food. The first surprise was a sign displayed on the counter that read "This counter is served by a deaf crew ...". That was the first time I saw a sign like this in Singapore. "how do I communicate my order?" I wondered. When it came to my turn, I was a little nervous, compounded by the fact that mine was not the straightforward type of order - I wanted to replace a drink in the combo set, include a burger that is not part of a set, and do a egg tart add-on for the set. Well, as it turned out, a few finger swishing and hand waving did the job for her quite easily, and correctly done too. Still feeling rather amused, I returned to my seat and related the experience to my daughter. Before I could tell the whole story, another service staff came by with the egg tart - for delivery as I was told that it would be delayed.I told her that another burger was outstanding and needed to be delivered too. She seemed tom understand what i was asking, but from her facial expressions and bodily movements, it was clear to me that she could be easily labelled as 'cognitively challenged'. For me, I was won over by her ready smile and obliging charm. I was impressed with KFC - the management is open-hearted enough to take in among their ranks people whom others might have regarded as 'incapable'. Based on my experience today, they were anything but a liability - contributing in a productive way to the normal functioning of the outlet, not to mention raising the image of the entire organization. This experience served as a nice conversation piece with my daughter throughout my entire KFC lunch. I believed the experience and my reflections about it might be educational for her. I hoped she began to see that life is not merely about forging ahead amidst a competitive environment. It is also about looking around to help and appreciate others who may not be able to compete within the same arena as us - is, an important part of learning to be human. I believe a key defining attribute of a human is that of sensitivity to fellow humankind. [as an add on to this story, I realize that my daughter wrote about this exact same encounter too. She is willing to share it - I will include hers in a separate blog piece after this]. Somehow, i felt hope for Singapore. If KFC can do it, so can Singapore. [well, the burger arrived 15 min later, but still with a smile. This seriously challenges the claim of FASTfood. But somehow, it did not bother me one bit]

Why get married?

My elder daughter attended a talk today on "marriage" organized by the school. The teachers told her that the motivation for it was the noticeable increase in young people in Singapore who "do not see the point of getting married". I was just conducting a thought experiment within myself on how best to answer the question of "why marry?" Answer 1: "you need to get married to have children" Rebuttal: no. These days, there is hardly any stigma about having children out of wedlock. In any case, we do not intend to have children. Does your answer imply that if we do not want children that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 2: "being married is one of the happiest state in life" Rebuttal: looking at the married couples around me, they don't look very happy. In fact, some are so unhappy and regretful about their marriage that they are at the brink of divorce. I don't see what is so happy about that. I think we are happier as we are - free and easy. [Ah Leong: this is a sobering thought to me as a parent. How do my children view my marriage? Do they see a marriage that is happy and loving? If they see a dull and lifeless marriage played out in front of them everyday, it is hard to imagine them looking forward to marriage] Answer 3: "you need to get married to apply for a HDB flat" Rebuttal: didn't you hear the PM Lee rally speech. There will be changes to HDB purchasing rules to accommodate singles. Again, does it mean that if we intend to buy private (or fent a flat) that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 4: "research shows that married people tend to stay together compared to co-habiting couples not bound by marriage." Rebuttal: that it happens to others does not mean that it should happen to me. In any case, so what - easy come easy go; if we are not happy together, just part ways. Less hurt than when we are bound by marriage, not to mention the legal battles surrounding matrimonial assets and all. [surprising yet true, this was indeed how one of my daughter's friend think] It appears that no pragmatic answer will satisfy a modern secular mind that does not see marriage belonging to the moral realm. This was indeed what I told my daughter - that marriage is meaningful and truly satisfying only if we understand it in the context of a God-ordained institution. It is God's design, not a man-made structure. As in all things, true and lasting happiness is found when we follow the design and understand the significance of the design from the perspective of the Designer. Rebellion from this order may bring about a fleeting sense of liberation, but will ultimately lead to emptiness and disillusionment. God's ways are higher than our ways.