Changing parenting style

When the children were younger, i tended to use a more 'direct' style of parenting: "do this", "don't do that", "just obey, don't talk back". it is the most natural method for me and it was efficient in that it got the children to do what i want - fast.  over the years, i have come to learn that doing things fast does not equate with learning things well.  An example i realised is that my children can finish their maths worksheets fast but not learn well - as seen from the recurring mistakes they commit.  i guess it is the same with the learning of values for life.  the problem with this 'direct' style of parenting is (1) the children can become reliant on an externally imposed authority (such as the parent) to tell them what to do and thus they lose the opportunity for independent planning and thinking; and (2) the children behaves in the parent-approved way only when the parent is imposing it; in their absence (and because the underlying values are not personally-owned) they 'liberate' and swing to rebellious behaviour.

a case in point is the use of computer.  i believe we ought to exercise restraint in computer time (as in, not spend too much time with computer games) and computer sites (ie, not go to sites that are not wholesome).  i have been trying to inculcate this restraint on the children.  it has not been easy. To prevent wrong computer sites, i deliberately place the computer in my sitting room - at an open place where other family members can easily view the screen; to moderate computer time, we set password so that they will have to ask our permission before they can access the computer, and that only after we 'negotiate' the purpose and the duration of use before we key in the password for them. despite these measures, we often end up in verbal wars over what they use if for and their not sticking to the agreed duration.  these quarrels can become so bad that it affects our child-parent relationship.

while i am not ready to completelty liberalise computer use in my family for the children, i am beginning to wonder if this kind of externally imposed strictures will help them (esp the older teenage children). if we continue the over-restriction, it will end up with the 2 problems i listed above, and we are beginning to see signs of it. i fear a day when they are no longer under our authority - will they exercise self-restraint?

i dont yet have an answer to this question. i currently favour a moderate approach where i gradually pass on more and more responsibility for the older children to take charge of their own computer time. occasionally, when we see that they are on the verge of abusing the liberties (like spending hours on computer games), we tap them on the shoulder and remind them to exercise self-discipline.  This is of course not restricted to computer time (which is just one example). i try to do less "do this" and "dont do that" talk and more "what do you think ..." type of conversation with them, in hope that they will ultimately choose to do something right not just because dad says so, but also because they believe it is right for themselves.  i call this the transference of parental values to the children.  it is quite different from mere surface transference of parental behaviour to the children.  the latter focuses on outward conduct; the former targets internal beliefs.

trust me - it is tough; it takes a lot of time.  i am not sure if there is another way.

One thing I do not regret as a father

What is one thing I do not regret doing as a father? I regret many things. I regret my inexperience as a father of my first child. I was overly strict and punished him for every wrong step he took. I think it still affects his confidence to this very day. Sadly, I cannot rewind the clock and undo the wrong and the damage, no matter how hard I try to reverse the effects now. Sigh. There are many other regrets, and I may share them here on another occasion. But for this post, I like to share one thing I didn't regret: Having a family dinner everyday.

I look forward to the family dinner everyday. It is nice to see the four children and my wife seated next to me around the same table. It makes me feel like a family. But what is really nice is the casual banter and conversation over dinner. We have dinner in the kitchen, and since we do not have the habit of watching TV - the TV is in the sitting room anyway - we are not distracted from one another. Although we do not have any agenda for discussion, over the years, the chats have taken us to many topics which I think we otherwise would miss - topics such as sex, economics, pop idols, fashion, our mistakes in life etc.

There is no structure to our dinner conversation so it is difficult to describe a 'typical' dinner chat. Some days, the number 3 will dominate the conversation with her lengthy description of a nice story she read. She would go into the minutest details of the story. It is clear that the older children have no patience to hear the full-length story but I guess it is a good practice of patience and consideration for their younger sister. If it gets overboard, they might say, "Can you summarise the story?" or I would interrupt with another topic; in which case it is her turn to learn consideration for others - that not everyone is as interested in the same thing as her. The number 2 starts her piece with this usual trigger, "oh you know what? ..." she will then go into telling us her happenings in school, which is usually very interesting and that will provide ingredients for the rest to chip in our comments too. The number 1 is most reticent. His usual response to my "how's school?" is the wooden "ok". But over dinner, when he is more relaxed, and when a right topic for him crops up (and when he is in the mood), he can ask very piercing questions. Most of the controversial topics start from him, and they are usually the ones that I will harness to lead my children into a productive discussion that challenges their value system. Number 4 is only four years old so he talks the least. I guess he listens and gets inducted into the routines of our dinner chats. Occasionally, he will say something that will make us laugh and that is very helpful for livening up the mood too.

It is during dinner time that I feel we are most like a family - we share our thoughts openly; we share our laughters and our tears. Think about it, we spend about an hour talking everyday (dinner is about an hour long). That means 365 hrs of family time a year, excluding other times together. Better than going for a family trip oversees to build family bonds?

Dealing with my anger

I sometimes get into very combustive arguments with my teenage son. That usually happened at times when my level of tolerance for what I think as unreasonable behavior crossed the limit. It is something of a buildup. First, He forgets to switch off his lights and fans - something that I reminded him for a thousand times, then he complains about food, I remind him to appreciate mum's cooking, he responds grumbly, I check his attitude, he blackens his face, I scold him for his obstinacy, he stomps off ... Shoutings, red faces, door hangings.

In short, in the midst of all the noise, anger builds up. And anger has a way to dull our senses and make us imbalanced in our assessment of the situation. I did a bit of post hoc analysis: each time I had a bad quarrel with my son, in the thick of it, I will be so angry with him that I think of the worst of him - he is a rascal, incorrigible, selfish, and beyond hope. Quite clearly, he is not. But in my anger, I only see the bad side of him, and not only so, these negative features get amplified disproportionately to a point that all I see before me is a child who is all bad and trouble. I then react based on this mental portrait of him. Obviously, anyone will respond negatively to blames and an accusatory tone. In turn, I react blamingly to his negative reactions and this is the start of a vicious spiral downwards to communication breakdown.

How can this be avoided? I must know myself. I must know that when I get angry, my assessment of things gets completely out of balance. In particular, my assessment of people, ESP my children, becomes unreasonably skewed. I must know that, more often than not, when I get angry, I will think about him as more evil than what he really means to be. I must deliberately counter my own thinking about him. I should draw evidence from my memory bank to justify for him that he is not as bad as what I think him to be at that point in time. In so doing, I get shifted in my mind more to the middle and perhaps in so doing i can proceed with him in a more even temper and tone. I can then really communicate with him rather than silly letting off.

Let me try it. I might share with you the results in the next blog.

Tired?

Ever felt tired as a father?

I do. Always. I have 4 children with ages ranging from 4 to 17. My hours apart from work are mainly with children (and wife). For the youngest child, I try to spend time to play with him and read to him because I don't want to miss out on his growing up years - they zoom past you very quickly. For the middle two girls, they need a lot of attention. You know - girls, I think they need a fatherly figure to give them the affection and care so that they don't look for it elsewhere! As for the eldest boy, he is at an age where many things can go very wrong. I make it point to check out on him and help him with his schoolwork. You can imagine how tired it can get if you have to soldier on with this level of responsibility and commitment on a daily basis.

Well, some say,"what to do?"

I am not sure. I think we should not be so busy with responsibilities to a point where we do not have time for ourselves or to a point where we lose the joy of living. I noticed that when that happens to me, I get very grouchy and unhappy. Sometimes, that manifest in having a short temper with my wife and children and certainly can't be good for the family.

Perhaps I need to be a bit more selfish: if I am happy, I will be a better father and husband and therefore bring about a happier family atmosphere for us all. How to be a happier father and husband? I am trying two ways. One way is to schedule regular events so that I can have time for myself - away from children - so that I don't get so overladen with a deep sense of responsibility. This I do by having once a week night off coffee chats with friends. I really enjoy those sessions and it relaxes me.

Another way is to have a change of mindset. I used to view doing things for the family as responsibility - with capital R. Now I attempt to enjoy the time I spent with my family. Enjoyment need not merely be watching a movie or playing a sports. I have since found that reading a book with my son on my lap is a very heartwarming and enjoyable thing; so is having a heart to heart chat with my teenage daughter about the disappointments use faced with friends and teachers.

Still tired. But somehow you don't feel it so much when you are enjoying what you are doing.

Priorities: children or wife?

Do you sometimes feel that you spend so much of your energies on your children that you neglect your wife? Have been feeling this way for some time. Maybe it is a Chinese upbringing thing - when children come, the couple shifts the attnetion away from one another towards their children.

But wouldn't that create a potential serious problem: we can feel less and less like intimate friends but more and more like project partners (the name of the project is called "raising children")? Well, some may say,"what's the problem with that?" if project partners don't keep up their close friendship, their relationship can become a mere cold partners-in-work kind, not unlike project partners at work - where we have not much other personal things to speak about except about work related to the project. Tis kind of project partner relatinship can degenerate into one where there is hardly any feelings for one another - we have to be there together only because the project is on. When it comes to that, then I wonder what will happen when the "project" ends. And, the project WILL end. One day, maybe 15 years later, the children will leave the home. What do we then do with our "project partner"? In all likelihood, I will have to be under the same roof with her for another 20 years?

This train of thought awakens me to this reality: my wife is my real long term commitment; the children are just medium term commitment.if that is so, then my current priorities (as judged by the time I spend with my wife and my children) are grossly imbalanced. I spend a lot of my time after work talking with and helping my children. But I hardly spend time with my wife to build up our long term relationship and affections.

In case some may ask what the signs of a project partner relationship are. For me, I started feeling that way when I realize that my conversation with my wife centres almost exclusively about the children (the project). We hardly share about ourselves to one another and show affection (the way we did when we were dating). To me, that signals some alarm bells ringing ...

I now resolve to date my wife once a week. Thhs is my first step at moving away from project partner relationship

Who is my children's educator?

I was just wondering aloud about how much time my children spent on school-related things. So I sat down and did a quick calculation. 7 hr of school each weekday; 6 hr of CCA a week; 2 hr homework each weekday; 2 hr Chinese tuition each week; 2 hr parental help on studies each week; 5 hr of homework/project work each weekend. Assuming 8 hr of sleep a day, and so an approx 112 waking hr per week, more than half of my children's waking hours in a typical week is on school-related things, and that is based on a conservative estimate.

Put in another way, for half of my children's lives, they are put in the hands of an "education provider" whom we have hardly any control over. Or, using modern parlance, I have subcontracted my parental education duties of my children to the schools for more than 50% of the time. Is it a wise move?

Well, I guess it depends on my view of education. If I think of education as giving them the market-recognized paper qualifications such as certificates and CVs stating their CCA accomplishments, then I think using the schools as a 50% subcontractor is quite a good bet. Moreover, schools provide them the social training that mirrors the kinds of working environments that they will be in later on in life and so this further contributes to their marketability. Well, I can go on to justify that the networks they build in school can form the nucleus to expand upon for business contacts in future.

What if I think of education in terms of building the habits/disciplines - physical, mental, and moral - that will hold them in good stead for the rest of their lives? This vision includes desirable life-long traits such as caring for others, having a healthy respect for every individual regardless of the person's status in society, being gracious, having the perseverance to see through a commitment, view life as more than a pursuit of material things etc. If this is how I view education for my children, then schools may seem quite inadequate to the task. [In fact, I sense that schools,unwittingly through their competitive environments, nurture values that are diametrically opposite of what I stated above]. To be fair, schools are not structured for these purposes. They have already more than enough on their plates fulfilling their goals of helping often unmotivated students achieve in examinations. No, the responsibility for this type of wholistic education must still fall back on my shoulders as a parent.

So how? I take a compromised approach: I view the schools as fulfilling mainly the first aspect of my children's education by way of equipping them with marketable assets; when they are with me, I maximize the opportunities for the other aspects of education that the schools are not equipped to do - the weightier fundamentals of what it means to live meaningfully.

My children and a growing conqueror

I was just thinking about the way we apportion our time in life in terms of a landscape analogy: some parts of our lives are in the "family" region, some in "work" region etc. We usually think about a 'balanced' life as one where each of these important regions is given it's appropriate territory - that is, time is allocated proportionately to the value we ascribe to each region.

Of late, I find that my children's lives are getting increasingly imbalanced. One particular region of their lives is expanding very aggressively, obviously in the expense of others. It is a rather sneaky region. We parents are usually very friendly and supportive of the existence of this region in their lives. In fact, most of the time, especially in the initial stages we want that region to expand in their lives because we think it is good for them. We get worried if the region shrinks. When that happens, we sound the alarm, remind them of it's importance, and even enlist the help of others and specialists in the hope of enlarging it's territory.

But, before you know it, its tentacles will reach to other regions which you hold dear with your children. It does so in explicit and less explicit ways. Explicitly, it just fill up the children's time with more and more of it's activities, so much so that they have no time with family. It disrupts all aspects of family life - family mealtimes, weekend outings, bonding games, even family vacation plans.

The scarier thing is - it's conquest does not lie merely in it's power over the children when they are physically in it's territory. Even when the children are outside it's physical boundaries, and, say, within the home, it continues to exert it's authority. Much of my children's time at home now is spent in doing work given by this region. Thus, very often, while the children are bodily in the "family" region, their minds continue to do the bidding of this other region. A common occurrence in my family is this exclamation when we are halfway on our family's activity, "oh! I forgot I haven finished the work of the other region!"

This region is expanding fast in my children. Traditionally, it stays pretty much in it's physical location and it respects other worthy regions such as "family" and "rest". These days, it doesn't anymore. The problem is: it may not even realize it's own ambition, because hardly anyone talks about it or realise it. Perpetrators of this region do not apologize for it's expansion because many are either unaware of it's own aggression or justifies it by stating it's merits, or retorts,"the parents and the children want it this way."

If lest unchecked, this region will consume almost all of my children's lives. It will render them grossly imbalanced and ultimately uneducated. The name of this region? School.