A day out with my daughter - Part II

While waiting for the movie, we both - separately and without collusion - wrote our thoughts on the day at kopitiam while having a drink. Mine appeared in the previous blog. Here is the one written by my daughter (with minor editing): "I expected going JCube with Dad: watching movie, going home - parents' modus operandi. I was thinking at first: another father-daughter bonding session that i can make use of to catch a movie. Thus, i did not expect the unusual experience i had today. After arriving at the mall and thinking that we were just in time for the movie we had wanted to watch, we found out that the movie was not showing. We decided to go for another movie and hence while waiting we went to a fastfood, unhealthy-full-of-preservatives-but-we-haven't-gone-there-for-ages place, KFC. Dad happened to comment on the slightly disabled people that KFC hired and announced his desire to patronise KFC more in future. My reflections: there are many other slightly disabled people out there who do not have employment. How can we help them? I am quite horrified whenever i think/read about these matters - when the rich gets richer and the poor poorer. I think of charity organisations whose managers take out so much of the donations meant for the needy. And ourselves? why do we live in such denial? We do not help, but just listen and shed crocodile tears. Yes, this world is not my home and i'm just passing through, but we cannot wallow in our own comforts and forget about the needs of others! Perhaps since this is about going-out-with-dad day that i am expected to write something about him. And yes, i have found that in everyone, there is a 'kindred soul' and my father has one. I want to see myself as a "helper of humans" and hope that this world may change."

A day out with my daughter

I took leave from work today to spend some time with my Number 3 - as this week is a school recess in Singapore. It is nice to have some 'exclusive time' with my daughter. [the children grow up so fast that I thought I better 'catch' more of them before these younger days zoom by]. we had lunch at an unusual place - KFC. it turned out to be quite an experience for me. [I urge readers to resist laughing at me at this point. Fastfood is rather unusual for my family, especially for me]. I queued up for the food. The first surprise was a sign displayed on the counter that read "This counter is served by a deaf crew ...". That was the first time I saw a sign like this in Singapore. "how do I communicate my order?" I wondered. When it came to my turn, I was a little nervous, compounded by the fact that mine was not the straightforward type of order - I wanted to replace a drink in the combo set, include a burger that is not part of a set, and do a egg tart add-on for the set. Well, as it turned out, a few finger swishing and hand waving did the job for her quite easily, and correctly done too. Still feeling rather amused, I returned to my seat and related the experience to my daughter. Before I could tell the whole story, another service staff came by with the egg tart - for delivery as I was told that it would be delayed.I told her that another burger was outstanding and needed to be delivered too. She seemed tom understand what i was asking, but from her facial expressions and bodily movements, it was clear to me that she could be easily labelled as 'cognitively challenged'. For me, I was won over by her ready smile and obliging charm. I was impressed with KFC - the management is open-hearted enough to take in among their ranks people whom others might have regarded as 'incapable'. Based on my experience today, they were anything but a liability - contributing in a productive way to the normal functioning of the outlet, not to mention raising the image of the entire organization. This experience served as a nice conversation piece with my daughter throughout my entire KFC lunch. I believed the experience and my reflections about it might be educational for her. I hoped she began to see that life is not merely about forging ahead amidst a competitive environment. It is also about looking around to help and appreciate others who may not be able to compete within the same arena as us - is, an important part of learning to be human. I believe a key defining attribute of a human is that of sensitivity to fellow humankind. [as an add on to this story, I realize that my daughter wrote about this exact same encounter too. She is willing to share it - I will include hers in a separate blog piece after this]. Somehow, i felt hope for Singapore. If KFC can do it, so can Singapore. [well, the burger arrived 15 min later, but still with a smile. This seriously challenges the claim of FASTfood. But somehow, it did not bother me one bit]

Why get married?

My elder daughter attended a talk today on "marriage" organized by the school. The teachers told her that the motivation for it was the noticeable increase in young people in Singapore who "do not see the point of getting married". I was just conducting a thought experiment within myself on how best to answer the question of "why marry?" Answer 1: "you need to get married to have children" Rebuttal: no. These days, there is hardly any stigma about having children out of wedlock. In any case, we do not intend to have children. Does your answer imply that if we do not want children that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 2: "being married is one of the happiest state in life" Rebuttal: looking at the married couples around me, they don't look very happy. In fact, some are so unhappy and regretful about their marriage that they are at the brink of divorce. I don't see what is so happy about that. I think we are happier as we are - free and easy. [Ah Leong: this is a sobering thought to me as a parent. How do my children view my marriage? Do they see a marriage that is happy and loving? If they see a dull and lifeless marriage played out in front of them everyday, it is hard to imagine them looking forward to marriage] Answer 3: "you need to get married to apply for a HDB flat" Rebuttal: didn't you hear the PM Lee rally speech. There will be changes to HDB purchasing rules to accommodate singles. Again, does it mean that if we intend to buy private (or fent a flat) that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 4: "research shows that married people tend to stay together compared to co-habiting couples not bound by marriage." Rebuttal: that it happens to others does not mean that it should happen to me. In any case, so what - easy come easy go; if we are not happy together, just part ways. Less hurt than when we are bound by marriage, not to mention the legal battles surrounding matrimonial assets and all. [surprising yet true, this was indeed how one of my daughter's friend think] It appears that no pragmatic answer will satisfy a modern secular mind that does not see marriage belonging to the moral realm. This was indeed what I told my daughter - that marriage is meaningful and truly satisfying only if we understand it in the context of a God-ordained institution. It is God's design, not a man-made structure. As in all things, true and lasting happiness is found when we follow the design and understand the significance of the design from the perspective of the Designer. Rebellion from this order may bring about a fleeting sense of liberation, but will ultimately lead to emptiness and disillusionment. God's ways are higher than our ways.

Threats to fatherly rest

Lately, a few of my friends who are also fathers have been talking about the need for fathers to learn how to rest (or "relak" as singaporeans would say it). As the Chinese saying goes, rest is essential to walk the long distance - in this case, the long walk of parenting. Indeed, there is a need for rest, because fathers tend to fret about many things about our children - their studies, their behaviors, the friends they hang around with, the language they use etc - over and above the stresses of work we experience daily. Apart from setting aside time to rest - to reflect, pray, read, I think there is a need for us to have a restful disposition. By this, I mean the temperament to truly rest our body and soul. In my interaction with my contemporaries, I have found some threats to this restful disposition. One of it is body-mind disjunction. There was a time in my life when I was at work, I thought about the home; and when I was at home, i worried about work. In other words, the body and mind were at different 'places'. This is a very distressing situation, not to mention that this is highly unproductive both ways - in the end, you don't do any of the roles well. Moreover, it causes us to be restless and ultimately joyless - not able to enjoy the work nor the home. At some point in my life, I resolved to keep a strict administrative separation: when I am at home, I concentrate fully on the affairs of the home and resist the temptation (a very real one) to think about work - because, really, it doesn't help anyway; and when I am at work, to focus on doing my work well and not worry about the happenings at home, no matter how difficult things are there. I confess that it is not easy to make the strict separation, and it requires discipline -for example, not to bring work home to tempt the conflation. But over the years, I have learnt enjoyed the fruits of this disciplined separation - restfulness and enjoyment of each of these roles. Another related threat to restfulness is that of living in the past and the future - and thus missing out on enjoying the present. Some of us have a tendency to think about what might have been if we had taken such and such a course and spend a lot of time regretting about wrong decisions. While it is important that we learn from the past, it is quite different to dwell on the past to the point that we do not savor the present. others like to cast their minds on the future and think about what is coming - whether out of excitement or dread. This can also make us unable to enjoy the here and now. One common wisdom shared among parents who are older is this, "enjoy your children; they grow up very fast." many young parents ignore this advice - only to look back much in regret later to realize the wisdom of the advice. It is true that parents can be so engrossed with preparing our children for the future - like getting them to study hard, inculcating in them good habits etc - that we miss out on enjoying them NOW. When our minds are in a state of constantly shifting between past and future, we miss out on resting in the present - and treasuring the beauties that it brings. One of my favorite resting pose these days is to sit on my papa's chair (as my children will call it) and just observe the children. Often they are not aware that I am observing them. They don't do anything unusual - just going about doing the things they usually do. Doing so brings a smile on my face - a wonder that God has kept them all these years - as I enjoy the "present".

Thoughts on National Day

Today is the 47th National Day - celebrating the independence of Singapore. I took the opportunity to ask my children what they thought about National Day over dinner table a few days ago. Here were their responses. 5 year old: great! 11 year old: ok lor. 16 year old: I think the whole thing, including the celebrations in schools, school participation in NDP performances, the community songs etc, is a form of propaganda. I was amused at the different levels of enthusiasm displayed: roughly inversely proportional to their age. But I was particularly struck by the response of the Number 2 - struck by how she responded intellectually rather than emotionally to my prompt. I tended to think that for school-going children and youths, National Day would move their hearts rather than their minds. But since she started it, being a responsible father, I thought I shouldn't leave the "propaganda talk" dangling there. I commented that propaganda is necessary in every country, but what matters were the messages and the motives of those behind the propaganda. Then came the eldest: I think, dad, it is really hard to be a leader. They must take the criticism of the people while trying to do a good job. It is not easy. He went on to share about how his schoolmates around him tend to complain of things they are not happy about the country and how they envisage life in other countries are much better. Having taken on leadership roles in his school club, he knows that the perspectives from those who lead can be very different - they have to balance so many competing priorities to maintain the 'big picture' that it is almost impossible to please everyone. He imagined this challenge of balance is magnified many times at the level of country leadership. I think this ability to see things from multiple perspectives - including the perspective of our bosses and leaders - an important disposition. It discourages tunnel vision and encourages empathy for others (even those whom we disagree with). It also helps us make decisions that are more inclusive. But I am a little sad that (with the exception of the youngest) the children hardly displayed any spontaneous expression of patriotism or emotionally-charged joy typical of an event that is worth celebrating. But looking at myself, it is not surprising: I am hardly a good role model at that. In this regard, my wife is far better. Her actions speak louder than words: she orchestrated a patriotic rendition of "home" by the 3 younger children as a way to whip up some loyalty-in-action in them. [you can view it in Facebook by going to See Lay Keng's homepage]. Happy Birthday Singapore.

Thoughts on holistic education

Have been thinking about "holistic [or is it wholistic?] education". It is the latest "in thing" in the singapore education scene. I started by assuming that "whole" consists of "parts" and directed my thoughts to what constitute these "parts". We can easily rattle off a few: academic, sports, music, arts, science, ... But as soon as you finish off this list, you can think of something you leave out in other domains of education, such as computer literacy, social adeptness, cross-cultural savvy etc. In other words, the list does not end. it soon became clear that this is not the way to go for a parent who is thinking about which "parts" in the holistic education my children are missing out on. Because it leads to an add-on mentality: trying to squeeze out more and more time in the children's already crowded daily schedule for more and more of these "parts" we think they are deficient in. I switch my thoughts then on what is the "whole" instead. It cannot simply be the aggregation of the "parts", else we fall back to the add-on mentality. It should be something that stands above the "parts" and serve as an organizing principle of life that ties all the "parts" together, rendering them meaningful for a higher purpose. To me, this "whole" is the value system we uphold and should be the consistent theme of our emphasis to our children as parents - both in word and deed. The other "parts", whether they be academic results, performance in sports etc, must be subordinated to this greater principle and goals of education. To me, being a Christian, this "whole" is naturally the Christian life-and-world view. It is about living our lives conscious that we are subject to our creator God and seeing all events of the world as an unfolding drama of His plan. It is this "whole" that gives coherence to all the other "parts" of education. For example, studying science becomes meaningful under this view because it educates us about the beauty/order that God created; learning to be sociable across communities is necessary because interpersonal contact to all classes of God's people is the primary means that He ordains for our mutual experiential growth of knowledge about living in this world. It is very important to me as a parent to hold on firmly to this "whole" because it is easy - in this busy life of competing priorities - to lose sight of it and allow the less important "parts" to usurp its place. It is also a reminder that other subordinate contents of education are not ends in themselves, but opportunities for me to lead my children to constantly revise this organizing theme: God provides meaning to every branch of knowledge and experience; and we can only find full satisfaction in Him.

one to one

I was at my church camp in the past week. I was looking forward to it for many reasons. One of it was the opportunity to spend time with my family - away from the usual routines of school, schoolwork, cooking etc - before school restarts and the stresses the children face limit my leisure time with them. But what turned out was something I hardly expected. My eldest bunked in with a fellow youth and was among other youths throughout the camp so I hardly saw him [but we did have a good chat after the camp at delifrance over coffee break ...]; number two was so busy with CCA and DSA that she had to pull out of camp last minute; number three volunteered for some artwork Programme in the camp and was so committed that, though she shared room with us, we only saw her just before sleeping time and a little after waking time. My wife was also too busy for me - my mother in law came for the camp and she needed to help her around. So only one person in the family had time for me: the youngest 5-year old. Well, it meant that all that my wife usually does with him - feeding him, helping him during sermon time, watching over his safety, bringing him to the pool, showering him etc - was taken over by yours truly. For the first few hours, I could sense that he was not used to second-rate service. [dad doesn't fuss around him so much, doesn't give him many options of food, is stricter with his manners etc]. After a while, he learnt to accept the fact that dad would be 'mum' for much of the camp. As it turned out, it was a blessing in disguise. I realized the last few days was a period that I spent the most time with my youngest child. I watched over every detail of his life and learnt to enjoy his company with me throughout the day. This is something I never get to do on normal days when I had to distribute my time among four (not to forget also time with my wife). It just occurred to me that it is a priceless blessing to watch in close quarter and share in the experience of my growing child in the significant milestones of growth in his life: able to read, able to feed himself, able to swim without floats ... It is a good reminder that I should spend more time to enjoy my children (not just corporately, but also individually) as they are growing up fast. Once past, that earlier stage of their lives cannot be 'relived'. So we shouldn't think of it as responsibility or duty, but rather as a pleasure and blessing.