How to communicate care to the children?

Many people tell me that communication is the key to good relationships. I believe that. This is why I have been working on it all these years - with my children. It is not getting easier, not only because more children came along down the road, but also because it gets more challenging when the children grow older into their teenage years. Some friends complained that their teenage children and them seem to be on 'different wavelengths', resulting in communication breakdowns.

On my part, I have had my fair share of such breakdowns - the 'conversation' ends abruptly with both feeling the other had not understood him/her. These happen when each wants to forward his/her agenda and there is no real listening carefully to the other person. I am the chief culprit of this: I want to tell my child something I think is important and I want to drum into him/her, regardless of whether the listener agrees or not. I am no expert in communication. But I know that this sort of 'conversation' will usually be unsuccessful because there is no sincere empathy for how the listener feels or would take to my message. In other words, I must start from my child's perspective of things, not mine alone. One archetypal example that my wife and I talk a lot about is what to say to my child at the door when he/she comes home late. We used to start the doorstep conversation by asking (or interrogating, really), "why so late? What happened?" without exception, the question is greeted with a black face and silence. We used this scenario to remind ourselves the pitfall of not taking the children's perspective when we want to communicate: we want to show care, but they read it as irritation and lack of understanding for a long hard day.

There are many things we want to communicate about with our children. But one of the most critical one is care. Yes, all parents care for their children in sacrificial ways that the children will never fully understand till they become parents. But it is also important that they feel the care communicated to them - not just from our lips but also from how we interact with them. Care-communication is an art with few masters. I guess we do it differently. Over the last few years, I have been trying to show care primarily through spending more time talking WITH (not just talking TO) them and enjoying their company. I think the physical component is important too - I give hugs to my children as often as I can [err, not to my eldest boy though - he will act squirmish, for him, I can still put my arm around his shoulders]. I must say these are not natural things for an 'eastern' guy like me brought up in a family where my parents' primary mode of care is to provide us with material things. I am not sure if my children feel my care - I should ask them - but i am certainly learning to enjoy their company and I do feel closer to their lives.