Grandchildren

Another thing has changed since i left off blogging here 11 years ago: i am now a grandfather. I have two grandsons: 2 years, and 2 months.

Many years ago, i observed (with envy) how grandparenting looks so different from parenting: one so tiring and perplexing; the other so relaxed and happy! So i couldnt resist asking a grandfather, "why so happy?" His answer, "you will know when it comes to your turn". It is true.

Of course, the happiness is natural: there is a deep familial connect with grandchildren. And, we get all the happy experiences minus the (hard and tiring) parts of discipline, sleepless nights etc. But also, i think because the time gap between parenting and grandparenting is a gap that increases the longing for it to be filled with the sweet opportunitiy again of having to fuss over someone so helplessly dependent on us. This is almost paradoxical: We are so used to parenting that we want to do it some more (in our grandchildren) even though we often complain about how tiring it can be. It is still nice to have some people to care for who in turn validate us with a smile or outstretched arms longing for our embrace. We all need this and it is no shame communicating this need to our loved ones.

Another thing nice about being grandparents is observing what the arrival of grandchildren does to our children. As parents now, they experience first hand how hard parenting is, and hence know how much we have done for them when they themselves were young and helpless. They have grown to appreciate us more and understand concretely our love for them. Which is very nice

11 years on ...

 i didn't realise that my last post on this blog was 11 years ago ... i dont even remember why i left off blogging. perhaps i felt then i had nothing more to share about parenting. If so, how wrong.

This long passage of time allows me to reflect and look at my earlier years of parenting as if it was another me - another life time ago. 

if there is one word that i am forced to use to describe my parenting experience, it will be ... humbling.

there were many parenting moves and decisions that i was very sure were right ... i am not so sure now anymore.

Take one example: "i know better than my children so they must listen to me. if they don't, they will be in trouble later"

there are a lot embedded here. Do i really know better? maybe, because i have lived longer and have more time to acquire more knowledge and experiences. But does it mean all of those lived experiences are directly applicable to a generation that is radically different from the one i lived through? Do i really understand the 'world' they live in and hence tailor my advice in a way to suit their circumstances? 

Granted, for the sake of advancing this argument, that i do - i know better and i am able to customise my knowledge to their current circumstances in an appropriate way. so surely, it is best they listen to me, right? But there is a big fundamental framing issue here: is "listen" the right framing, especially for grown-up children? because "listen" presupposes a one-directional conveyance of advice. but is this what our children are looking for when they interact with us - that we give advice and they passively take in? Not really. they want a real conversation - where we seriously hear them and take them for who they are. and it is only within such a real conversational context that they might be ready to take our point of view in a serious way. even so, ultimately it is their decision to make, not ours. Because, it is their life to live, not we living in them.

Most of my contemporaries i know are not good at this - really listening to them, and engaging in a real conversation with our grown-up children. and this includes me. this is humbling. it means we must restart: acknowledge we are not good at this, humble ourselves, and learn to communicate better with our children. Make changes to our mindset and conduct where necessary.

I know old age is not usually associated with humility. but we begin aright here.