Teaching cantonese

I have always wanted to get my children to learn their 'father tongue': Cantonese. Haven't been successful - in fact, a total failure. Well, I can blame many things, such as the school focus being only English and mandarin, my wife is hokkien, the low economic value of cantonese ... . But if I am to be honest, I don't have to look very far. The root cause is traceable to me. As always, without the parent modelling it [my default language is english], it is hard to expect the children to pick it up seriously. To be honest, I don't have a foolproof argument for why i think the children should learn cantonese. I just think that it helps to know another language, and the natural choice - among many vying candidates such as Japanese, Spanish ... - is the one that reflects our ethnic roots best. That knowing cantonese helps them communicate better with their grandparents (and even less incentivizing, makes them feel at home in Hong Kong and Chinatowns all over the world) is extra motivation. Well, I received an encouragement a few days ago. My eldest son - who is doing his 'A' level now - said that one of his resolutions while awaiting the call for military service is to learn cantonese! That gave me a boost to try harder. As always, it seems sensible to start with the one that offers the least resistance: the youngest 5-year old. For the last few days, I have been working on him; I taught him some stock cantonese phrases like sek fai ti, guai guai ... He has been lapping them up. I hope this will last ...

Crossing boundaries

The first time I was made to think more consciously about "lines" within society was when Lee Kuan Yew spoke about deep "fault lines" within our seemingly harmonious Singapore society. He was referring to racial lines that are invisible (especially during peace times) but are nonetheless very real (especially during turbulent times stirred up by regional radical elements) and can surface in ways that are catastrophic for societies - much like how fault lines surface in earthquakes. These lines are very much like boundaries between two states. They are not bad in themselves. They demarcate a border between two peoples so that there is mutual respect, and so that the people on the respective sides of the line can have a sense of jurisdictional integrity and identity. The problem is: a line also accentuates the differences between peoples on both sides of it. This consciousness of differences can be so heightened that it can alienate one from the other, become a barrier in communication, and ultimately threaten the unity of the peoples. In case you are thinking that I am writing a political commentary piece, I am not. I am using this as a reflection of all kinds of lines that separate people in society (in communities, and even families). I think of divides like rich/poor, local-/foreign-born, white-/blue-collared, academically/technically-inclined, and the list goes on. Each of these lines has the potential to fragment communities. In each case, the 'inferior' side of the line is sensitive to their lower status and the natural thing to do is to seek solidarity within the comfort zone of mingling solely among themselves; the 'superior' side is also usually insensitive to the feelings of the other side and are quite happy to interact among themselves. With time, invisible (but very real) walls are formed which create suspicion, fear, and disunity within communities. Which is why I think that in every community (including family), we need "boundary crossers" who naturally look beyond the differences and have the communicative sensitivities to bridge peoples across these divides through common causes. These bridge-builders are so important to our society that we need a lot of them around. Which leads to why I am writing this piece in the first place: it arises from a question I ask myself, "in educating my children, do I imbue in them this boundary-crossing mindset? Or worse, do I accentuate these divides by (unconsciously) modeling stay-within-this-side thinking instead?

Thoughts on public sex

There have been quite a bit of media hooha on the couple who publicize their sex - with vivid images - in the open domain. It is shocking as most Asians still regard the sex act as a very private matter. Many are thus shocked that the couple has no qualms about challenging this social norm, and defending their right to do so despite calls for their repentance. On the other hand, as I thought about it, what they did actually shouldn't really surprise us. They are simply being consistent to a view of life that is shared by many (I suspect even among those who castigate them): moral relativism. It is a belief that there are no moral absolutes; instead, what is right or wrong depends on the times and the contexts in which one lives, or even one's personal point of view - that is, everyone is entitled to their own values so long as it doesn't harm others, so "don't tell me what to do. It is my business". In the case of the couple who parade their escapades, they are just carrying out this version of moral relativism - that, to them, sex is just an act of pleasure shared by two persons, no different from how others enjoy a meal together in a fun way - to its logical conclusion. Sadly, i think many of us, though outwardly moralistic, are secret moral relativist at heart. In other words, when pressed with a robust response to why we live the way we should - such as, why we do not endorse extra-marital affairs -, we may end up simply saying something along the lines that it is part of our personal value system, while acknowledging that others need not share the same. Well, It seems quite fine for us. But it is not quite a sufficient basis to educate our children on. How would we then answer if our children say, "in that case, I am different from you - unlike you, I move with the times ..."? Thankfully, we need not go down relativism's dead end. I tell my children that men, left to ourselves, contrary to how great we think ourselves to be, do not know what is right or wrong for us. We need a moral absolute that can come from one who is Absolute. Only He can tell us what is ultimately good for us. And it is in following God's wise design that we can derive the true happiness that is meant for us to enjoy. I believe this with all my heart, and pray that my children will learn the same.

Talking about sex

As most parents would testify, it is hard to talk about "sex" with our children. I recall the first time I broached it over our dinner table, it felt like it got stuck as a lump in my throat. I had to do the roundabout thing: do you know how plants multiply through fertilization? And how about animals? Have you seen how the lions copulate in the zoo? ... It was quite tough, but I got there. It was quite unnatural for me - having been brought up in a family that didn't discuss these matters openly. For me, I learnt it along the way from my friends - in hush tones and amidst lewd giggles - in school. It was quite bad 'education', as I picked up a lot of twisted ideas of what sex means, and had to spent many years subsequently unlearning them before slowly sorting my thoughts out about it. One perverse view of sex is the over-magnification of its attraction as pure sensual pleasure, obscuring the vital context within which this pleasure serves and derives its legitimacy from: marriage. This is God's design - that physical intimacy between husband and wife is both a physical expression of love between them as well as a glue that strengthens the bond in their marriage. But modern men have a knack for ripping out a wise design to take only the part - in this case, sex - that provides the quickest grafification. The Hollywood portrayal of sex as do-it-when-I-feel-like-it is a direct application of this perversion. It encourages an irresponsible and shallow understanding of sex that ultimately renders it as a hollow physical act and an irony - instead of bringing the satisfaction it promises, it creates a misplaced appetite for lust that is insatiable. When men isolate sex from marriage, they think it is a master stroke of ingenuity - to be able to enjoy pleasure without responsibility and accountability ( to God and wife). This deviation from God's design for true happiness may bring about fleeting pleasures, but never lasting satisfaction of the soul. [in fact, it results in lasting pains - morally, emotionally, and sometimes, even physically] But another wrong reaction - in the other extreme, and more common among boys who first hear about sex - is "eeee ... Yucks". Sex in this view is seen as 'dirty' and associated with something inordinate. This view must also be corrected - sex cannot be eeeky because God instituted it. It is part of His beautiful creation to be enjoyed under His wise design of marriage. The children should know that when their parents retire into the privacy of their bedroom, they are not doing some dark unspeakables in some dark corners of their room, they are living out one of the most beautiful expressions of love between man and woman as they rest assured within God's wonderful design. Well, I didn't intend to write so much on this. As you can see, there is quite a lot to untangle about sex. Which explains why I prefer that my children first hear it from me.

Setting expectations

This is a double whammy year: my eldest is sitting for his A level exams and my number 2 is doing her O level. Every now and then, we talked about the stresses they faced - most of the time, not from their parents. Tonight, both of them talked about how the school exam papers are usually set at a few notches tougher than the actual A or O level papers. This appears to be true for all the subjects they take. I know - this is an old 'trick' that teachers use. The logic is this: set the school papers consistently more challenging to raise the standards and expectations for students to strive towards. If they can reach it, excellent; but even if they fall short by a few rungs, still very good, as in, still A grade. [think about it, this somewhat epitomizes the 'singapore spirit' - for good or bad. It is that "meeting standard" is not good enough type of mentality; excellence far exceeding expectations is the goal for all]. I recall some words of wisdom I received from a principal in my early days of teaching. She said that setting higher-than-needed expectations is a "double-edged sword", meaning, it can motivate those who are already driven to excel, but it can also discourage those who are already struggling to meet the basic requirements. Constant use of such a double-edged instrument can thus cause a widening of the gap between these groups of students. I can't help making a connection to parenting. I think it is important that our children ought to make striving for excellence a necessary disposition in life. For that, there is certainly a place for parents to set high expectations for them - not just in studies, but in all other areas that we deem as important for them. Habitual mediocrity is damaging for the child, not to mention its impact to the whole of Singapore. But I have learnt that this is only one side of the story; our children need encouragement too. It is no good simply telling a child who is discouraged with failures that he needs to attain even higher standards than the ones that he had just failed in. He needs some timely encouragement instead. Perhaps one good form of encouragement is success itself. I have observed how words of praises and appreciation for small deeds of kindness and love - such as helping their mother with the dishes or giving me a hug - bring a smile on their faces when they are most 'down'. I am not sure if they are sufficient to encourage them. But I trust they all add up.

A day out with my daughter - Part II

While waiting for the movie, we both - separately and without collusion - wrote our thoughts on the day at kopitiam while having a drink. Mine appeared in the previous blog. Here is the one written by my daughter (with minor editing): "I expected going JCube with Dad: watching movie, going home - parents' modus operandi. I was thinking at first: another father-daughter bonding session that i can make use of to catch a movie. Thus, i did not expect the unusual experience i had today. After arriving at the mall and thinking that we were just in time for the movie we had wanted to watch, we found out that the movie was not showing. We decided to go for another movie and hence while waiting we went to a fastfood, unhealthy-full-of-preservatives-but-we-haven't-gone-there-for-ages place, KFC. Dad happened to comment on the slightly disabled people that KFC hired and announced his desire to patronise KFC more in future. My reflections: there are many other slightly disabled people out there who do not have employment. How can we help them? I am quite horrified whenever i think/read about these matters - when the rich gets richer and the poor poorer. I think of charity organisations whose managers take out so much of the donations meant for the needy. And ourselves? why do we live in such denial? We do not help, but just listen and shed crocodile tears. Yes, this world is not my home and i'm just passing through, but we cannot wallow in our own comforts and forget about the needs of others! Perhaps since this is about going-out-with-dad day that i am expected to write something about him. And yes, i have found that in everyone, there is a 'kindred soul' and my father has one. I want to see myself as a "helper of humans" and hope that this world may change."

A day out with my daughter

I took leave from work today to spend some time with my Number 3 - as this week is a school recess in Singapore. It is nice to have some 'exclusive time' with my daughter. [the children grow up so fast that I thought I better 'catch' more of them before these younger days zoom by]. we had lunch at an unusual place - KFC. it turned out to be quite an experience for me. [I urge readers to resist laughing at me at this point. Fastfood is rather unusual for my family, especially for me]. I queued up for the food. The first surprise was a sign displayed on the counter that read "This counter is served by a deaf crew ...". That was the first time I saw a sign like this in Singapore. "how do I communicate my order?" I wondered. When it came to my turn, I was a little nervous, compounded by the fact that mine was not the straightforward type of order - I wanted to replace a drink in the combo set, include a burger that is not part of a set, and do a egg tart add-on for the set. Well, as it turned out, a few finger swishing and hand waving did the job for her quite easily, and correctly done too. Still feeling rather amused, I returned to my seat and related the experience to my daughter. Before I could tell the whole story, another service staff came by with the egg tart - for delivery as I was told that it would be delayed.I told her that another burger was outstanding and needed to be delivered too. She seemed tom understand what i was asking, but from her facial expressions and bodily movements, it was clear to me that she could be easily labelled as 'cognitively challenged'. For me, I was won over by her ready smile and obliging charm. I was impressed with KFC - the management is open-hearted enough to take in among their ranks people whom others might have regarded as 'incapable'. Based on my experience today, they were anything but a liability - contributing in a productive way to the normal functioning of the outlet, not to mention raising the image of the entire organization. This experience served as a nice conversation piece with my daughter throughout my entire KFC lunch. I believed the experience and my reflections about it might be educational for her. I hoped she began to see that life is not merely about forging ahead amidst a competitive environment. It is also about looking around to help and appreciate others who may not be able to compete within the same arena as us - is, an important part of learning to be human. I believe a key defining attribute of a human is that of sensitivity to fellow humankind. [as an add on to this story, I realize that my daughter wrote about this exact same encounter too. She is willing to share it - I will include hers in a separate blog piece after this]. Somehow, i felt hope for Singapore. If KFC can do it, so can Singapore. [well, the burger arrived 15 min later, but still with a smile. This seriously challenges the claim of FASTfood. But somehow, it did not bother me one bit]