Have been thinking for some time now about the wisdom needed to bring up thoughtful children - as in, children who have a thinking and enquiring disposition about issues of life they read about or encounter. [I am aware that the word "thoughtful" has another more common usage that roughly means considerate to others. That is also another very important virtue, and perhaps a theme of another blog ...]. I like to see my children reflecting upon the things they experience - whether it be a book they read, a piece of news they encounter, or the opinions of someone they hear - and offering well-reasoned insights about them; and doing so on a regular basis.
I think the smartfone generation, with information literally at the fingertips, breeds a certain illusion: that since information is so readily available, we are now a "knowledge generation". The problem is: with so much more knowledge so quickly accessible, there is a temptation to skim knowledge on it's surface instead of thinking about them deeply. This is the proverbial "mile wide but inch deep" way of dealing with information. Many chidren (and adults) therefore think that we know a lot, but it may be the case of knowing very little about the things we know about.
The sad thing is that schools may not be of much help in this regard. The state of affairs of school 'education' in Singapore today is such that almost only the results matter. Teachers, too, (often unconsciously) teach by going straight to the end result of what they intend students to know, skipping much of the reasoning that leads to the results. As an example, I recall how my teachers taught me about the effect of multiplying a number by ten is the "moving of the decimal point one position to the right"; I don't recall the teacher discussing the reasoning process that leads to this result. I doubt it is much different today. [in fact, I checked with all my children who have passed this point of their maths learning. None of them can explain the process to me; neither can they recall the teachers explaining it to them].
So, I guess it is back on the shoulders of parents. It is not easy. I have been trying to ask more "why" questions to my children (especially the older ones). I also try to model thoughtfulness by talking aloud my thoughts to them whenever we discuss an issue (usually over dinner table).
Anyone has something to share on this matter?
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Friday, 9 March 2012
Dad needs hugs
Unknown to me, one of the things that I have grown to look forward to when I step home from work is this: my four-year-old running towards me, take a great leap into my arms, culminating in what we have called a 'tight huggie'. I have always thought that it was a gesture of love that I show to my young son. As time went own, I am beginning to feel that it is the other way round too: a gesture of love from my son that I need each day.
Brought up in a 'typical' Chinese home, I am not used to this woozy idea of a father needing love. So it is a little embarrassing to admit this: I need love - from my wife, and my children. And not just from the occasional birthday gifts and regular acts of duty (something I don't despise though - because children obeying their parents is surely a consistent form of love). I also need regular tangible acts of love. It makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. It makes me look forward to coming home.
Apart from the daily 'tight huggie' from my youngest - and he is the most consistent in the home, I also 'demand' a hug from my wife soon after that. [sometimes, my wife is busy at the kitchen and feels too busy to dispense these morsels of love. The youngest will then call out, "mummy, you forget to hug daddy!"] it is sometimes a nuisance to her - especially when she is about to pour the vegetables into the wok. But I am a bit spoilt - I stand there looking really miserable and mutter something like, "darling, i had a tiring day" until she wraps her arms around me. She doesn't say it - but I know she also looks forward to the hug from me each day ...
Although less frequently, I would occasionally go to my girls' (number 2 and 3) room in the night and ask for hugs too. The number 3 (11 years old) is a bit more generous. When she is on the mood, she would sit on my lap - to hug and kiss me goodnite. The number 2 (16 years old) is more miserly. She has started to feel shy, but still do not mind a hug and a peck on the cheek from me. As to the eldest boy (18 years old), hugs are out for a him - he will stiffen like a piece of wood. But putting my arms round his shoulders and giving him a hard pat on his back are what remains of physical bonding.
I guess we all need to be loved - in tangible ways, and regularly. I don't feel guilty or embarrassed asking for hugs any more.
Brought up in a 'typical' Chinese home, I am not used to this woozy idea of a father needing love. So it is a little embarrassing to admit this: I need love - from my wife, and my children. And not just from the occasional birthday gifts and regular acts of duty (something I don't despise though - because children obeying their parents is surely a consistent form of love). I also need regular tangible acts of love. It makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. It makes me look forward to coming home.
Apart from the daily 'tight huggie' from my youngest - and he is the most consistent in the home, I also 'demand' a hug from my wife soon after that. [sometimes, my wife is busy at the kitchen and feels too busy to dispense these morsels of love. The youngest will then call out, "mummy, you forget to hug daddy!"] it is sometimes a nuisance to her - especially when she is about to pour the vegetables into the wok. But I am a bit spoilt - I stand there looking really miserable and mutter something like, "darling, i had a tiring day" until she wraps her arms around me. She doesn't say it - but I know she also looks forward to the hug from me each day ...
Although less frequently, I would occasionally go to my girls' (number 2 and 3) room in the night and ask for hugs too. The number 3 (11 years old) is a bit more generous. When she is on the mood, she would sit on my lap - to hug and kiss me goodnite. The number 2 (16 years old) is more miserly. She has started to feel shy, but still do not mind a hug and a peck on the cheek from me. As to the eldest boy (18 years old), hugs are out for a him - he will stiffen like a piece of wood. But putting my arms round his shoulders and giving him a hard pat on his back are what remains of physical bonding.
I guess we all need to be loved - in tangible ways, and regularly. I don't feel guilty or embarrassed asking for hugs any more.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Building friendship with my children
I received a parenting encouragement yesterday - from a surprising source: my father.
My family was having our regular once-a-week dinner-out with my parents. We were seated in longish tables - my parents were seated opposite my eldest son and I. I was having quite an extended chat with my son (on something that I couldn't remember exactly now, but it was about singapore's population; anyway, the contents of our chat is not the point here). Halfway in the chat, I noticed my parents were observing us carefully, then they started giggling. Distracted, I asked them to share the joke. They pointed to us and said, "both of you look more like friends, not father and son".
I am not sure if they meant to say it as something they felt positive or a sign of degenerationn of my fatherly authority. That they found it amusing could mean that it is something they find rare to them, and hopefully in a pleasantly refreshing way. I would interpret it positively. I have always thought that as my children grow up, my relationship with them should morph gradually from one of teacher-student to one of friends (and perhaps mentor-mentee). This way, they will find it easier to share to me their struggles of life and easier for me to present the more human aspect of myself to them too.
For a long time, I was wondering if I was making any progress in this long-term friendship-building exercise. It is encouraging to receive a positive report card occasionally from an external party, especially from one's father.
My family was having our regular once-a-week dinner-out with my parents. We were seated in longish tables - my parents were seated opposite my eldest son and I. I was having quite an extended chat with my son (on something that I couldn't remember exactly now, but it was about singapore's population; anyway, the contents of our chat is not the point here). Halfway in the chat, I noticed my parents were observing us carefully, then they started giggling. Distracted, I asked them to share the joke. They pointed to us and said, "both of you look more like friends, not father and son".
I am not sure if they meant to say it as something they felt positive or a sign of degenerationn of my fatherly authority. That they found it amusing could mean that it is something they find rare to them, and hopefully in a pleasantly refreshing way. I would interpret it positively. I have always thought that as my children grow up, my relationship with them should morph gradually from one of teacher-student to one of friends (and perhaps mentor-mentee). This way, they will find it easier to share to me their struggles of life and easier for me to present the more human aspect of myself to them too.
For a long time, I was wondering if I was making any progress in this long-term friendship-building exercise. It is encouraging to receive a positive report card occasionally from an external party, especially from one's father.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Focussing on the positives
The sermon in church today was taken from a passage that reads, "Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God ..." among the things the preacher mentioned was the highlighting of "with thanksgiving". To him, this phrase shows that one effective way to counter cares of life is to count our blessings; or, in other words, to focus on the positives, much less on the negatives.
As I was sitting there, I thought this idea of focussing on the positives instead of harping on the negatives can also be applied to our dealings with our children. Too often, perhaps due to our Chinese upbringing, the instinct is to zoom in on the children's weaknesses and their shortcomings. We see their poor grades, bad habits, disrespectfulness towards us, and ingratitude. In the process, we are conveniently blind to their helpfulness, cheerfulness, care for one another, thoughtfulness, and other positives. Many parents I know are very discouraged with parenting partly because of this imbalanced view of the children's negatives over the positives. We see our children through a critical lens instead of via a thankful one. I think we will all have more energies to soldier on as parents if we remind ourselves more of the positives.
Life is too short to grieve over our children's deficiencies and brood over what they can be like: bright, beautiful, obedient, grateful ... - all the perfect dream characteristics that we imagine other people's children possess. I think we should spend a large part of that time on just enjoying them for who they are, and being thankful for them at that.
As I was sitting there, I thought this idea of focussing on the positives instead of harping on the negatives can also be applied to our dealings with our children. Too often, perhaps due to our Chinese upbringing, the instinct is to zoom in on the children's weaknesses and their shortcomings. We see their poor grades, bad habits, disrespectfulness towards us, and ingratitude. In the process, we are conveniently blind to their helpfulness, cheerfulness, care for one another, thoughtfulness, and other positives. Many parents I know are very discouraged with parenting partly because of this imbalanced view of the children's negatives over the positives. We see our children through a critical lens instead of via a thankful one. I think we will all have more energies to soldier on as parents if we remind ourselves more of the positives.
Life is too short to grieve over our children's deficiencies and brood over what they can be like: bright, beautiful, obedient, grateful ... - all the perfect dream characteristics that we imagine other people's children possess. I think we should spend a large part of that time on just enjoying them for who they are, and being thankful for them at that.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
How to communicate care to the children?
Many people tell me that communication is the key to good relationships. I believe that. This is why I have been working on it all these years - with my children. It is not getting easier, not only because more children came along down the road, but also because it gets more challenging when the children grow older into their teenage years. Some friends complained that their teenage children and them seem to be on 'different wavelengths', resulting in communication breakdowns.
On my part, I have had my fair share of such breakdowns - the 'conversation' ends abruptly with both feeling the other had not understood him/her. These happen when each wants to forward his/her agenda and there is no real listening carefully to the other person. I am the chief culprit of this: I want to tell my child something I think is important and I want to drum into him/her, regardless of whether the listener agrees or not. I am no expert in communication. But I know that this sort of 'conversation' will usually be unsuccessful because there is no sincere empathy for how the listener feels or would take to my message. In other words, I must start from my child's perspective of things, not mine alone. One archetypal example that my wife and I talk a lot about is what to say to my child at the door when he/she comes home late. We used to start the doorstep conversation by asking (or interrogating, really), "why so late? What happened?" without exception, the question is greeted with a black face and silence. We used this scenario to remind ourselves the pitfall of not taking the children's perspective when we want to communicate: we want to show care, but they read it as irritation and lack of understanding for a long hard day.
There are many things we want to communicate about with our children. But one of the most critical one is care. Yes, all parents care for their children in sacrificial ways that the children will never fully understand till they become parents. But it is also important that they feel the care communicated to them - not just from our lips but also from how we interact with them. Care-communication is an art with few masters. I guess we do it differently. Over the last few years, I have been trying to show care primarily through spending more time talking WITH (not just talking TO) them and enjoying their company. I think the physical component is important too - I give hugs to my children as often as I can [err, not to my eldest boy though - he will act squirmish, for him, I can still put my arm around his shoulders]. I must say these are not natural things for an 'eastern' guy like me brought up in a family where my parents' primary mode of care is to provide us with material things. I am not sure if my children feel my care - I should ask them - but i am certainly learning to enjoy their company and I do feel closer to their lives.
On my part, I have had my fair share of such breakdowns - the 'conversation' ends abruptly with both feeling the other had not understood him/her. These happen when each wants to forward his/her agenda and there is no real listening carefully to the other person. I am the chief culprit of this: I want to tell my child something I think is important and I want to drum into him/her, regardless of whether the listener agrees or not. I am no expert in communication. But I know that this sort of 'conversation' will usually be unsuccessful because there is no sincere empathy for how the listener feels or would take to my message. In other words, I must start from my child's perspective of things, not mine alone. One archetypal example that my wife and I talk a lot about is what to say to my child at the door when he/she comes home late. We used to start the doorstep conversation by asking (or interrogating, really), "why so late? What happened?" without exception, the question is greeted with a black face and silence. We used this scenario to remind ourselves the pitfall of not taking the children's perspective when we want to communicate: we want to show care, but they read it as irritation and lack of understanding for a long hard day.
There are many things we want to communicate about with our children. But one of the most critical one is care. Yes, all parents care for their children in sacrificial ways that the children will never fully understand till they become parents. But it is also important that they feel the care communicated to them - not just from our lips but also from how we interact with them. Care-communication is an art with few masters. I guess we do it differently. Over the last few years, I have been trying to show care primarily through spending more time talking WITH (not just talking TO) them and enjoying their company. I think the physical component is important too - I give hugs to my children as often as I can [err, not to my eldest boy though - he will act squirmish, for him, I can still put my arm around his shoulders]. I must say these are not natural things for an 'eastern' guy like me brought up in a family where my parents' primary mode of care is to provide us with material things. I am not sure if my children feel my care - I should ask them - but i am certainly learning to enjoy their company and I do feel closer to their lives.
Friday, 30 December 2011
Resolution for the new year
Another year is passing. Time to take stock of how I fare as a father. I am not one who is good at remembering things. I try to remember my childhood experiences, I stare through my mind's eyes into blank spaces. Even for something as recent as the past year, they all fleet past like a blurr. All I see in the memory's landscape are the images of moments spent with my children - bantering, chatting over dinner, traveling in the car - normal regular things, but mostly happy times dotted with laughters, for which I am thankful.
As I think about resolutions as a father for the coming year, I think about one specific area that I have not looked into carefully enough over the past years: reading. Well, for my youngest 4-year-old, he has not started reading on his own yet. So for him, the resolution is straightforward - to help him learn to read in the coming year. For all his older siblings, they all picked up reading by reading the same book many times. They progress from listening to me read, then fill in every last word of every page, to filling in every last word of every sentence, to finally reading the whole book to me. once they can read a book, they tended to progress reading other books quite quickly. I might try the same process with him.
For the number 3, she is 10 and reading - too much. We call her a bookasaurus: she devours any book that comes her way [at one point, she was out of books to read and picked up a Christian philosophy book that I was reading, but didn't get very far!]. for her, I need to direct her reading so that she makes good use of her reading time - so that she doesn't read trash. There are two types of books we want her to read more: Chinese books and good classical literature. For the former, we haven't been able to make much headway until recently: she took interest in the justice pao series on DVD; it makes the transition to reading about justice pao (in Chinese) easier. She surprised us by reading a library book on justice pao without much coaxing. For the latter, we need to pile her library takeaways with more meaty reads.
For the number 2, she was a book lover when she was younger. Sadly, with the pressure of schoolwork, she has been reading less for the last few years. It doesn't help that next year is her O-Level year. For her, realistically, she may have to read on things she hopes to develop interest in further.
For the eldest, it is even more challenging - as he sits for his A-Level next year. Still, I think he needs to set aside time to read. I think in particular about the following year when he would be enrolled for national service. That will be a place where his morals would be be tested. I should encourage him to read about things that will strengthen his foundational values.
For all of them, I need to work harder to get them to read the bible more consistently. Being a Christian family, we are ultimately guided not merely by 'what works', but by how God designs us to function. Without which, we will all lose our sense of purpose and direction. It must start with the father setting the example ...
As I think about resolutions as a father for the coming year, I think about one specific area that I have not looked into carefully enough over the past years: reading. Well, for my youngest 4-year-old, he has not started reading on his own yet. So for him, the resolution is straightforward - to help him learn to read in the coming year. For all his older siblings, they all picked up reading by reading the same book many times. They progress from listening to me read, then fill in every last word of every page, to filling in every last word of every sentence, to finally reading the whole book to me. once they can read a book, they tended to progress reading other books quite quickly. I might try the same process with him.
For the number 3, she is 10 and reading - too much. We call her a bookasaurus: she devours any book that comes her way [at one point, she was out of books to read and picked up a Christian philosophy book that I was reading, but didn't get very far!]. for her, I need to direct her reading so that she makes good use of her reading time - so that she doesn't read trash. There are two types of books we want her to read more: Chinese books and good classical literature. For the former, we haven't been able to make much headway until recently: she took interest in the justice pao series on DVD; it makes the transition to reading about justice pao (in Chinese) easier. She surprised us by reading a library book on justice pao without much coaxing. For the latter, we need to pile her library takeaways with more meaty reads.
For the number 2, she was a book lover when she was younger. Sadly, with the pressure of schoolwork, she has been reading less for the last few years. It doesn't help that next year is her O-Level year. For her, realistically, she may have to read on things she hopes to develop interest in further.
For the eldest, it is even more challenging - as he sits for his A-Level next year. Still, I think he needs to set aside time to read. I think in particular about the following year when he would be enrolled for national service. That will be a place where his morals would be be tested. I should encourage him to read about things that will strengthen his foundational values.
For all of them, I need to work harder to get them to read the bible more consistently. Being a Christian family, we are ultimately guided not merely by 'what works', but by how God designs us to function. Without which, we will all lose our sense of purpose and direction. It must start with the father setting the example ...
Friday, 23 December 2011
Thoughts on festive days
Tomorrow is Christmas day. I am quite happy - to have an extra day of rest from work and to spend time with my family. I suspect there is at least one other group of people who is much happier: retailers. One only has to pass by orchard road to know this. Hordes of people cram into shops to buy Christmas presents. It is usually a double windfall, because those who receive gifts usually return gifts. This is the time of the year when retailers pose double digit growth in sales. They are truly the ones who sing "ho! Ho, ho!" - to their banks. But from a consumer perspective, I fail to see why I should contribute to this consumerism. A typical person cracks his head to think of what the children need (actually most singapore children have hardly any real needs) but buys a gift for each of them anyway. Many people are essentially receiving presents they do not need (and often reciprocate the same to others out of courtesy).
well, this explains why I do not buy my children gifts for Christmas. So far, they haven't been complaining. Will my children interpret this to mean that I don't love them? I don't know. I hope not. I trust they understand that dad shows his love to them in other ways and at other times, not necessarily during Christmas. I am also aware that there is social pressure to conform - "you know, every other child is getting presents, how would my children feel?" I am not exactly sure either. I guess it is something they learn to cope with time: about not needing to conform to the rest of the world.
Talking about social pressure, there is another retailer-happy day where there is even greater social pressure for me: valentine's day. From the early courting days, I told my wife we would not observe it - for the same reasons I gave above for not conforming to Christmas giving. I have so far convinced my wife that I can show love to her in other ways and on other times, not necessarily on valentine's day. So far so good ...
The last frontier - Chinese new year - is the most difficult to conquer. I will risk the wrath of my parents and my in-laws if I don't buy them bakkua and goodies. Since it is once a year, I will not fight this one ...
well, this explains why I do not buy my children gifts for Christmas. So far, they haven't been complaining. Will my children interpret this to mean that I don't love them? I don't know. I hope not. I trust they understand that dad shows his love to them in other ways and at other times, not necessarily during Christmas. I am also aware that there is social pressure to conform - "you know, every other child is getting presents, how would my children feel?" I am not exactly sure either. I guess it is something they learn to cope with time: about not needing to conform to the rest of the world.
Talking about social pressure, there is another retailer-happy day where there is even greater social pressure for me: valentine's day. From the early courting days, I told my wife we would not observe it - for the same reasons I gave above for not conforming to Christmas giving. I have so far convinced my wife that I can show love to her in other ways and on other times, not necessarily on valentine's day. So far so good ...
The last frontier - Chinese new year - is the most difficult to conquer. I will risk the wrath of my parents and my in-laws if I don't buy them bakkua and goodies. Since it is once a year, I will not fight this one ...
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