Changing parenting style

When the children were younger, i tended to use a more 'direct' style of parenting: "do this", "don't do that", "just obey, don't talk back". it is the most natural method for me and it was efficient in that it got the children to do what i want - fast.  over the years, i have come to learn that doing things fast does not equate with learning things well.  An example i realised is that my children can finish their maths worksheets fast but not learn well - as seen from the recurring mistakes they commit.  i guess it is the same with the learning of values for life.  the problem with this 'direct' style of parenting is (1) the children can become reliant on an externally imposed authority (such as the parent) to tell them what to do and thus they lose the opportunity for independent planning and thinking; and (2) the children behaves in the parent-approved way only when the parent is imposing it; in their absence (and because the underlying values are not personally-owned) they 'liberate' and swing to rebellious behaviour.

a case in point is the use of computer.  i believe we ought to exercise restraint in computer time (as in, not spend too much time with computer games) and computer sites (ie, not go to sites that are not wholesome).  i have been trying to inculcate this restraint on the children.  it has not been easy. To prevent wrong computer sites, i deliberately place the computer in my sitting room - at an open place where other family members can easily view the screen; to moderate computer time, we set password so that they will have to ask our permission before they can access the computer, and that only after we 'negotiate' the purpose and the duration of use before we key in the password for them. despite these measures, we often end up in verbal wars over what they use if for and their not sticking to the agreed duration.  these quarrels can become so bad that it affects our child-parent relationship.

while i am not ready to completelty liberalise computer use in my family for the children, i am beginning to wonder if this kind of externally imposed strictures will help them (esp the older teenage children). if we continue the over-restriction, it will end up with the 2 problems i listed above, and we are beginning to see signs of it. i fear a day when they are no longer under our authority - will they exercise self-restraint?

i dont yet have an answer to this question. i currently favour a moderate approach where i gradually pass on more and more responsibility for the older children to take charge of their own computer time. occasionally, when we see that they are on the verge of abusing the liberties (like spending hours on computer games), we tap them on the shoulder and remind them to exercise self-discipline.  This is of course not restricted to computer time (which is just one example). i try to do less "do this" and "dont do that" talk and more "what do you think ..." type of conversation with them, in hope that they will ultimately choose to do something right not just because dad says so, but also because they believe it is right for themselves.  i call this the transference of parental values to the children.  it is quite different from mere surface transference of parental behaviour to the children.  the latter focuses on outward conduct; the former targets internal beliefs.

trust me - it is tough; it takes a lot of time.  i am not sure if there is another way.

One thing I do not regret as a father

What is one thing I do not regret doing as a father? I regret many things. I regret my inexperience as a father of my first child. I was overly strict and punished him for every wrong step he took. I think it still affects his confidence to this very day. Sadly, I cannot rewind the clock and undo the wrong and the damage, no matter how hard I try to reverse the effects now. Sigh. There are many other regrets, and I may share them here on another occasion. But for this post, I like to share one thing I didn't regret: Having a family dinner everyday.

I look forward to the family dinner everyday. It is nice to see the four children and my wife seated next to me around the same table. It makes me feel like a family. But what is really nice is the casual banter and conversation over dinner. We have dinner in the kitchen, and since we do not have the habit of watching TV - the TV is in the sitting room anyway - we are not distracted from one another. Although we do not have any agenda for discussion, over the years, the chats have taken us to many topics which I think we otherwise would miss - topics such as sex, economics, pop idols, fashion, our mistakes in life etc.

There is no structure to our dinner conversation so it is difficult to describe a 'typical' dinner chat. Some days, the number 3 will dominate the conversation with her lengthy description of a nice story she read. She would go into the minutest details of the story. It is clear that the older children have no patience to hear the full-length story but I guess it is a good practice of patience and consideration for their younger sister. If it gets overboard, they might say, "Can you summarise the story?" or I would interrupt with another topic; in which case it is her turn to learn consideration for others - that not everyone is as interested in the same thing as her. The number 2 starts her piece with this usual trigger, "oh you know what? ..." she will then go into telling us her happenings in school, which is usually very interesting and that will provide ingredients for the rest to chip in our comments too. The number 1 is most reticent. His usual response to my "how's school?" is the wooden "ok". But over dinner, when he is more relaxed, and when a right topic for him crops up (and when he is in the mood), he can ask very piercing questions. Most of the controversial topics start from him, and they are usually the ones that I will harness to lead my children into a productive discussion that challenges their value system. Number 4 is only four years old so he talks the least. I guess he listens and gets inducted into the routines of our dinner chats. Occasionally, he will say something that will make us laugh and that is very helpful for livening up the mood too.

It is during dinner time that I feel we are most like a family - we share our thoughts openly; we share our laughters and our tears. Think about it, we spend about an hour talking everyday (dinner is about an hour long). That means 365 hrs of family time a year, excluding other times together. Better than going for a family trip oversees to build family bonds?

Dealing with my anger

I sometimes get into very combustive arguments with my teenage son. That usually happened at times when my level of tolerance for what I think as unreasonable behavior crossed the limit. It is something of a buildup. First, He forgets to switch off his lights and fans - something that I reminded him for a thousand times, then he complains about food, I remind him to appreciate mum's cooking, he responds grumbly, I check his attitude, he blackens his face, I scold him for his obstinacy, he stomps off ... Shoutings, red faces, door hangings.

In short, in the midst of all the noise, anger builds up. And anger has a way to dull our senses and make us imbalanced in our assessment of the situation. I did a bit of post hoc analysis: each time I had a bad quarrel with my son, in the thick of it, I will be so angry with him that I think of the worst of him - he is a rascal, incorrigible, selfish, and beyond hope. Quite clearly, he is not. But in my anger, I only see the bad side of him, and not only so, these negative features get amplified disproportionately to a point that all I see before me is a child who is all bad and trouble. I then react based on this mental portrait of him. Obviously, anyone will respond negatively to blames and an accusatory tone. In turn, I react blamingly to his negative reactions and this is the start of a vicious spiral downwards to communication breakdown.

How can this be avoided? I must know myself. I must know that when I get angry, my assessment of things gets completely out of balance. In particular, my assessment of people, ESP my children, becomes unreasonably skewed. I must know that, more often than not, when I get angry, I will think about him as more evil than what he really means to be. I must deliberately counter my own thinking about him. I should draw evidence from my memory bank to justify for him that he is not as bad as what I think him to be at that point in time. In so doing, I get shifted in my mind more to the middle and perhaps in so doing i can proceed with him in a more even temper and tone. I can then really communicate with him rather than silly letting off.

Let me try it. I might share with you the results in the next blog.