When the children were younger, i tended to use a more 'direct' style of parenting: "do this", "don't do that", "just obey, don't talk back". it is the most natural method for me and it was efficient in that it got the children to do what i want - fast. over the years, i have come to learn that doing things fast does not equate with learning things well. An example i realised is that my children can finish their maths worksheets fast but not learn well - as seen from the recurring mistakes they commit. i guess it is the same with the learning of values for life. the problem with this 'direct' style of parenting is (1) the children can become reliant on an externally imposed authority (such as the parent) to tell them what to do and thus they lose the opportunity for independent planning and thinking; and (2) the children behaves in the parent-approved way only when the parent is imposing it; in their absence (and because the underlying values are not personally-owned) they 'liberate' and swing to rebellious behaviour.
a case in point is the use of computer. i believe we ought to exercise restraint in computer time (as in, not spend too much time with computer games) and computer sites (ie, not go to sites that are not wholesome). i have been trying to inculcate this restraint on the children. it has not been easy. To prevent wrong computer sites, i deliberately place the computer in my sitting room - at an open place where other family members can easily view the screen; to moderate computer time, we set password so that they will have to ask our permission before they can access the computer, and that only after we 'negotiate' the purpose and the duration of use before we key in the password for them. despite these measures, we often end up in verbal wars over what they use if for and their not sticking to the agreed duration. these quarrels can become so bad that it affects our child-parent relationship.
while i am not ready to completelty liberalise computer use in my family for the children, i am beginning to wonder if this kind of externally imposed strictures will help them (esp the older teenage children). if we continue the over-restriction, it will end up with the 2 problems i listed above, and we are beginning to see signs of it. i fear a day when they are no longer under our authority - will they exercise self-restraint?
i dont yet have an answer to this question. i currently favour a moderate approach where i gradually pass on more and more responsibility for the older children to take charge of their own computer time. occasionally, when we see that they are on the verge of abusing the liberties (like spending hours on computer games), we tap them on the shoulder and remind them to exercise self-discipline. This is of course not restricted to computer time (which is just one example). i try to do less "do this" and "dont do that" talk and more "what do you think ..." type of conversation with them, in hope that they will ultimately choose to do something right not just because dad says so, but also because they believe it is right for themselves. i call this the transference of parental values to the children. it is quite different from mere surface transference of parental behaviour to the children. the latter focuses on outward conduct; the former targets internal beliefs.
trust me - it is tough; it takes a lot of time. i am not sure if there is another way.
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