Over critical?

Do you sometimes feel that you are too critical of your children?

I do. I realized that my first instinct when I look at my children tends to be to zoom-in on their weaknesses. This is manifested in a number of ways: when I look at my child's completed test paper, my impulse is to first ask, "why this one so simple also can get wrong?" and not "I notice you did better than the last time." or, when my teenage children comes home later than expected, the greeting at the door tends to be,"why so late?" and not "you must have a very tiring day, dear ..."

I guess it has to do with our Singaporean upbringing: our parents exact high standards for us and so now we are merely imposing the same on our children. I suppose setting high expectations in itself is not a bad thing. But if this high expectations becomes translated into being over-critical of our children, I wonder if it is healthy for them in the long run. I sometimes put myself in my children's shoes in an environment where the parents are never satisfied with whatever they do. I imagine it can be quite miserable. Everything I do - from untidy bedroom, poor school results, long computer time, to inappropriate language, failure to complete household chores - results in a frown from my parents and nothing I do ever seems to please them! If I am constantly under such an environment for a long period of time, I will feel very inadequate, unappreciated, and unloved; I may even develop an imbalanced view of myself as one who is never capable of satisfying the expectations of my parents, and concomitantly, I may develop a view of my parents as being hard taskmasters whom I do not want to engage lest they further belittle me for my constant inability.

I suppose this may be one reason why some teenage children disengage from their parents after a certain age. They may not articulate it, but I suspect one contributing reason is that they do not feel accepted by their parents for who they are; and in contrast, their peers do not criticize them but make them feel very accepted in their midst. As parents, I guess we must be very careful not to let our children feel that they are inadequate for us until they do or achieve such and such things. But often, unwittingly, we do this very thing by our over-critical stance towards them - everything from clothing to language to behavior. While we surely desire them to make progress in every aspect of their lives, I think we ought to be careful that our love for them is not conditioned upon what they are or what they do. Rather, we should send this message constantly to them: we love them simply because they are our children.

I now consciously try not to be over-critical of my children. I find myself often choosing the 'right battles to fight' with them. I also try to give more praise when they are praiseworthy. It is not easy for me. My parents never praised me.