Dealing with my anger

I sometimes get into very combustive arguments with my teenage son. That usually happened at times when my level of tolerance for what I think as unreasonable behavior crossed the limit. It is something of a buildup. First, He forgets to switch off his lights and fans - something that I reminded him for a thousand times, then he complains about food, I remind him to appreciate mum's cooking, he responds grumbly, I check his attitude, he blackens his face, I scold him for his obstinacy, he stomps off ... Shoutings, red faces, door hangings.

In short, in the midst of all the noise, anger builds up. And anger has a way to dull our senses and make us imbalanced in our assessment of the situation. I did a bit of post hoc analysis: each time I had a bad quarrel with my son, in the thick of it, I will be so angry with him that I think of the worst of him - he is a rascal, incorrigible, selfish, and beyond hope. Quite clearly, he is not. But in my anger, I only see the bad side of him, and not only so, these negative features get amplified disproportionately to a point that all I see before me is a child who is all bad and trouble. I then react based on this mental portrait of him. Obviously, anyone will respond negatively to blames and an accusatory tone. In turn, I react blamingly to his negative reactions and this is the start of a vicious spiral downwards to communication breakdown.

How can this be avoided? I must know myself. I must know that when I get angry, my assessment of things gets completely out of balance. In particular, my assessment of people, ESP my children, becomes unreasonably skewed. I must know that, more often than not, when I get angry, I will think about him as more evil than what he really means to be. I must deliberately counter my own thinking about him. I should draw evidence from my memory bank to justify for him that he is not as bad as what I think him to be at that point in time. In so doing, I get shifted in my mind more to the middle and perhaps in so doing i can proceed with him in a more even temper and tone. I can then really communicate with him rather than silly letting off.

Let me try it. I might share with you the results in the next blog.