Constantly stimulating our senses

Do you agree that children today (and perhaps, adults too) are often over-stimulated in their senses? Children shuttle among electronic gadgets, tv-watching, computer screens, fun-filled activities, one after another often without breaks seeking after constant stimulation of the senses to excite. One of the most frequent complains of children and teens today is, "so boring!" - which I interpret to mean, "why nothing else to stimulate me?" I am not sure if this hunger for constant stimulation is good for them. In some sense, we can all be addicted to such stimulations so much so that we suffer from 'withdrawal symptoms' (such as sudden dip of interest levels, ie boredom) which then leads to crave for more such stimulations, thus feeding into the vicious cycle.

I guess the greater problem is that it robs a child of the other more important disposition of "quiet contemplation" -something I find somewhat a lost art today. Personally, I find that quiet moments to read, reflect, and pray are very important times for me. It helps me calm down, examine whether I have been doing/thinking aright, challenge my time allocations against my priorities, take in other points of view, and resolve to change course where necessary.

Sadly, these 'unexciting' dispositions are not in vogue today. It does not help that some
educators inadvertently encourage a lifestyle of over-stimulation by accepting that "children learn differently these days. Don't expect them to sit down and do one thing at a time. It is fine if they blast the music, open multiple chat windows on computer, do SMSes with friends, surf the internet, and study at the same time. This is the new norm of multi-tasking". I am not sure about that. All the disciplined people I know are the ones with high levels of concentration that allows them to go deep into their areas of specialization. Having thorough knowledge of something requires sustained, focussed, and often intense and undistracted attention into details. It is hard for me to imagine a person who habitually 'multi-task' will build the right habits of concentrating for long spans of time.

and so I am somewhat wary about starting my children off on a lifestyle of over-stimulation.
just a week ago, my eldest son asked for a 3G phone with a plan that allows him to go online. I was caught in a dilemma: I know that having such a phone in his hands is equivalent to having a 24-hr temptation for over-stimulation. This is especially worrying, knowing that he will sit for his A level at the end of next year. On the other hand, at some point in time as he grows up, the discipline must not be externally-imposed but rather from within, and he
needs to learn to deal with it gradually over the years ahead. He has so far been a rather contemplative person. I was really afraid that the smartphone will change his lifestyle altogether and take this precious part of his life away from him. I shared to him freely all my dilemmas, worries, and fears for him but left him to make his decision. I felt I had to let go ...

He decided to go ahead and he is holding the phone now. As expected, he is spending a lot of
time with it. I pray it will not consume him. I am not sure if I made the right decision ...

An activity that all in the family enjoy

My family spent the whole of the Deepavali holiday at Gunung Lambak. It is ok if you have not heard of the place before - we hadn't heard about it too before we got there. It is a mountain near Kluang in Johor. Not a very tall mountain - about 510m, it stands roughly 3times as tall as Bukit Timah Hill.

I was actually very apprehensive before the trip. I wasn't sure if pur bodies can take the climb. Although it is not a very tall mountain, those who have conquered it (or did not conquer it) told us that it is very formidable - with its steep slopes and all. I am not sure if we have the physique to take it on. I was particularly worried for my last two children: the youngest is only 4 and the number 2 is not used to physically straining activities - a bit of a xiao jie. I was actually prepared to bring these two down halfway if they really can't handle it, although I did not tell them that as it would Lunt their resolve.

As it turned out, some things happened as expected. There were parts of the mountain that were really discouraging. You would look straight up (at 60 degrees gradient) and can't see the end of the slope. At those points, my heart sank and I felt like backtracking. There were many junctures where I could hear is my deep breathing and nothing else. My way of coping with it is not to look up but just tell myself to put one foot ahead the other and keep repeating this step without stopping.

Well, some things also turned out unexpected in a pleasant way. My youngest not only did not have any problem with the climb, he was in fact at the head of the pack - hopping and leaping as if he was in a playground. my number 3 also surprised us by shouldering on despite being full og mud all over her clothing - she was on all-fours at some very challenging parts of the climb. We usually think of her as one that whines over the smallest discomfort. This time, she really took it all in her stride. It is nice to be pleasantly surprised by our children every now and then. It also reminds me that I should not put an artificial lid on my children's abilities all the time. Over-protection may not do them good in the long run.

As I reflect, it really feels very satisfying to have the entire family do a climb like this -together. I am reminded that such occasions may become rarer as the time passes - my oldest is already 17 and so getting him around family activities will become an increasing challenge. The fact is that it is hard to find activities that everyone in the family (ranging from 4 years old to 17' not including the parents' ages) enjoys. From this experience, mountain climbing is one such good candidate that does the job. It is nice to see that all of us enjoyed the climb and fond satisfaction together.

On hindsight, one regret is that we have not done such all-in-family-enjoy type of activity together more often. If you are a reader of this blog OECD and have young children, do take more time to do such activities with them.

Holiday plans

Now that exams for the children are over and the school term winding down, my family turns our thoughts to our family holiday. This year, we are doing something quite different for our family trip. In the last ten years, whenever we go to a further country, it tended to be a developed country with modern facilities and good traveling accessibility. This time, we are spending a week in a rather underdevelped place near Chiangmai, Thailand. The villages that we are visiting are near the Thai-Myanmar border and mostly occupied by descendants of Myanmese refugees. It is a contact that we obtained through friends in our church - the ministries in the communities there are partially supported by the church.

One reason we are taking a departure from the usual tour places is that we want our children to experience third world conditions - and thus have a good dose of different realities that children around the world are facing. It occurred to us some time ago that while my wife and I experienced life from third world to first world as we grow up in Singapore, the same can't be said of our children - they have only seen the first world Singapore, and is thus easy to forget that their life experiences are actually quite unique relative to that in many other parts of the world. We think it is important to bring home to them that millions of other children live an alternative lifestyle - that of far fewer resources and far greater
constraints - and yet stay happy and contented. We hope they will learn that we can live happily with far less material resources and that adversities can strengthen us.

We think there will also be many opportunities there to enjoy the simple, price free and yet priceless things of life - the waterfalls, the mountain trekking, the birdwatching, the football, the interaction with local children. Perhaps, through these experiences, we will also learn that the best thongs in life need not of the expensive-latest kind.

But actually, now that my wife and I have enjoyed first world luxuries for so long, we are perhaps the one who can't re-adapt back to basic amenities. Pray for us.

Using material things of this world

I believe that material things - such as houses, cars, creaturely comforts, good food, fat salaries - will not give lasting satisfaction. I learnt this at a very young age. When my mum bought me a toy, it usually satisfied me for a short time - and soon i will be looking for something better and more fun. I guess this is true for adults too. Many of us never seemed satisfied with our pay packet, the types of houses we live in ... we want more. This appetite for material things will only spiral ever bigger with every temporary fulfillment but will remain insatiable. I believe that when God creates us, He leaves within our souls a spiritual longing which material things can never satisfy. Thus, with respect to material things, more is not always better. It is more important to learn contentment with them than to desire more and more ...

But how do I impart this contentment in my children? They live in a world that is materialistic and consumeristic. The people around them look so happy with the new dress and the fancy electronic gadgets in their hands. It is easy for them to believe that by having those same things that others crave for, they will naturally be happy too.

Certainly, it can't be done by denying our children of all requests for material things. I dont think the point is just to be frugal.  Neither is it about feeling guilty when we enjoy them. rather, the message i really want to send consistently to my children is, "it is nice to enjoy material things - of course, when we can afford it. But we must watch against a tendency to go for one dress after another, one gadget to follow-up the first, one upgrade after another ... because this kind of lifestyle signals a fundamental problem: that we are seeking to find satisfaction primarily in possessing material things."

Actually, between the last paragraph and this line, there was a time gap of a few days.  I went away for a few days to think about this issue.  It dawned on me that the strongest message that our children receive from us is not from what we say to them about these things; I think it is from our actual priorities we make as parents in our daily lives.  Surely, if I display to them every bit a chaser of material satisfaction, then I cannot expect my children not to do the same? 

What do my children see about me?  That I was most satisfied when our new car arrived? That i was  jumping with glee when the ipad was delivered to me? Or, do they see satisfaction in my face (and soul) when my wife gives me hug when I return home? A quiet smile when I finish a prayer?

Parents under examinations

Is the exam period a big deal in your family?

For mine, it is a pretty big deal. I suppose the best analogy is one of 'battleground'. Preparations usually start about a month before 'battle'. That is when we begin the 'drills' - doing one mock test paper after another. The frequency of the drills accentuate as we get nearer the exam date until just before the exams - the children feel like they are reduced to mere robotic mode: studying and doing papers day and night. During the battle, they suffer from all kinds of symptoms, ranging from pretend nonchalance to extreme anxiety. They often return from the war zone reporting that they have been 'killed'. On rare occasions, we receive the good report of 'killing the paper'. In short, it is a stressful time for all - both children and parents. It is not an experience we enjoy.

I often wonder if we can make the examination period a more enjoyable time for the whole family. [well, one way is to escape exams altogether by not being in the school system. But for now, it has not reached the point that we need to take this step. So I rather think of it as: if we can't change something, we might as well make it a happy experience]. Over the years, we tried many methods. Here, I will share some which I think worked for us - to some extent.

I have come to realize that one of the major source of exam stress is the results - poor marks signal 'poor learner'. I guess we are in a results-oriented world and it is something we cannot expect to change. But I am not sure if we need to be results-oriented at every exam at every level throughout their entire school journey. We don't really want our children to think that good results in every exam mean "success" and bad results mean "failure". Rather, in keeping with our values, we think the emphasis should shift from "results" to "effort". We try to convey to our children we should not see exams so much as checking our performance as it is an opportunity to make us learn well (and study hard). consistent to this stance, we make an effort to reward our children based on their effort at studying rather than how well their mark scripts show. It is thus not uncommon for us to celebrate after their exams are over for their good effort instead of celebrating when the results are out. We hope to signal to the children that we value their effort at doing their duty as students to study hard rather than what shows on the results slip. We often tell them that the former is directly within their control while the latter is not. We feel that this consistent emphasis on effort-oriented vs results-oriented way of looking at exams have helped reduced some overall stress in our family over the years - both for parents and children. More important, we hope it has helped instill in them the right values: that in whatever we do, whether we can guarantee results is not as important morally as being faithful to our calling in life.

Another major source of stress is when the child is not motivated to study and the parent (usually the mother) has to keep cajoling him/her to do work. In my family, this 'sian'-look on the child's face coupled with the contrasting goal-driven urgency of the mother can become a potent combination - resulting in many a shouting-type altercations, because the child can't stand the constant monitoring and the parent can't stand the ineptitude. This is a tough one and we haven't quite figured out how to solve this problem. The best we come out with is to try and be more encouraging so that the child is more motivated to study. We know that, ultimately, the motivation has to be intrinsic instead of externally imposed. It is often painful during the transition phase - when the child moves from unmotivated to being self-motivated. I think my eldest two have completed the transition. The number 3 is in the thick of it, and the number 4 has even started! I guess we just have to be patient and pray ...