Parents under examinations

Is the exam period a big deal in your family?

For mine, it is a pretty big deal. I suppose the best analogy is one of 'battleground'. Preparations usually start about a month before 'battle'. That is when we begin the 'drills' - doing one mock test paper after another. The frequency of the drills accentuate as we get nearer the exam date until just before the exams - the children feel like they are reduced to mere robotic mode: studying and doing papers day and night. During the battle, they suffer from all kinds of symptoms, ranging from pretend nonchalance to extreme anxiety. They often return from the war zone reporting that they have been 'killed'. On rare occasions, we receive the good report of 'killing the paper'. In short, it is a stressful time for all - both children and parents. It is not an experience we enjoy.

I often wonder if we can make the examination period a more enjoyable time for the whole family. [well, one way is to escape exams altogether by not being in the school system. But for now, it has not reached the point that we need to take this step. So I rather think of it as: if we can't change something, we might as well make it a happy experience]. Over the years, we tried many methods. Here, I will share some which I think worked for us - to some extent.

I have come to realize that one of the major source of exam stress is the results - poor marks signal 'poor learner'. I guess we are in a results-oriented world and it is something we cannot expect to change. But I am not sure if we need to be results-oriented at every exam at every level throughout their entire school journey. We don't really want our children to think that good results in every exam mean "success" and bad results mean "failure". Rather, in keeping with our values, we think the emphasis should shift from "results" to "effort". We try to convey to our children we should not see exams so much as checking our performance as it is an opportunity to make us learn well (and study hard). consistent to this stance, we make an effort to reward our children based on their effort at studying rather than how well their mark scripts show. It is thus not uncommon for us to celebrate after their exams are over for their good effort instead of celebrating when the results are out. We hope to signal to the children that we value their effort at doing their duty as students to study hard rather than what shows on the results slip. We often tell them that the former is directly within their control while the latter is not. We feel that this consistent emphasis on effort-oriented vs results-oriented way of looking at exams have helped reduced some overall stress in our family over the years - both for parents and children. More important, we hope it has helped instill in them the right values: that in whatever we do, whether we can guarantee results is not as important morally as being faithful to our calling in life.

Another major source of stress is when the child is not motivated to study and the parent (usually the mother) has to keep cajoling him/her to do work. In my family, this 'sian'-look on the child's face coupled with the contrasting goal-driven urgency of the mother can become a potent combination - resulting in many a shouting-type altercations, because the child can't stand the constant monitoring and the parent can't stand the ineptitude. This is a tough one and we haven't quite figured out how to solve this problem. The best we come out with is to try and be more encouraging so that the child is more motivated to study. We know that, ultimately, the motivation has to be intrinsic instead of externally imposed. It is often painful during the transition phase - when the child moves from unmotivated to being self-motivated. I think my eldest two have completed the transition. The number 3 is in the thick of it, and the number 4 has even started! I guess we just have to be patient and pray ...