Resolution for the new year

Another year is passing. Time to take stock of how I fare as a father. I am not one who is good at remembering things. I try to remember my childhood experiences, I stare through my mind's eyes into blank spaces. Even for something as recent as the past year, they all fleet past like a blurr. All I see in the memory's landscape are the images of moments spent with my children - bantering, chatting over dinner, traveling in the car - normal regular things, but mostly happy times dotted with laughters, for which I am thankful.

As I think about resolutions as a father for the coming year, I think about one specific area that I have not looked into carefully enough over the past years: reading. Well, for my youngest 4-year-old, he has not started reading on his own yet. So for him, the resolution is straightforward - to help him learn to read in the coming year. For all his older siblings, they all picked up reading by reading the same book many times. They progress from listening to me read, then fill in every last word of every page, to filling in every last word of every sentence, to finally reading the whole book to me. once they can read a book, they tended to progress reading other books quite quickly. I might try the same process with him.

For the number 3, she is 10 and reading - too much. We call her a bookasaurus: she devours any book that comes her way [at one point, she was out of books to read and picked up a Christian philosophy book that I was reading, but didn't get very far!]. for her, I need to direct her reading so that she makes good use of her reading time - so that she doesn't read trash. There are two types of books we want her to read more: Chinese books and good classical literature. For the former, we haven't been able to make much headway until recently: she took interest in the justice pao series on DVD; it makes the transition to reading about justice pao (in Chinese) easier. She surprised us by reading a library book on justice pao without much coaxing. For the latter, we need to pile her library takeaways with more meaty reads.

For the number 2, she was a book lover when she was younger. Sadly, with the pressure of schoolwork, she has been reading less for the last few years. It doesn't help that next year is her O-Level year. For her, realistically, she may have to read on things she hopes to develop interest in further.

For the eldest, it is even more challenging - as he sits for his A-Level next year. Still, I think he needs to set aside time to read. I think in particular about the following year when he would be enrolled for national service. That will be a place where his morals would be be tested. I should encourage him to read about things that will strengthen his foundational values.

For all of them, I need to work harder to get them to read the bible more consistently. Being a Christian family, we are ultimately guided not merely by 'what works', but by how God designs us to function. Without which, we will all lose our sense of purpose and direction. It must start with the father setting the example ...

Thoughts on festive days

Tomorrow is Christmas day. I am quite happy - to have an extra day of rest from work and to spend time with my family. I suspect there is at least one other group of people who is much happier: retailers. One only has to pass by orchard road to know this. Hordes of people cram into shops to buy Christmas presents. It is usually a double windfall, because those who receive gifts usually return gifts. This is the time of the year when retailers pose double digit growth in sales. They are truly the ones who sing "ho! Ho, ho!" - to their banks. But from a consumer perspective, I fail to see why I should contribute to this consumerism. A typical person cracks his head to think of what the children need (actually most singapore children have hardly any real needs) but buys a gift for each of them anyway. Many people are essentially receiving presents they do not need (and often reciprocate the same to others out of courtesy).

well, this explains why I do not buy my children gifts for Christmas. So far, they haven't been complaining. Will my children interpret this to mean that I don't love them? I don't know. I hope not. I trust they understand that dad shows his love to them in other ways and at other times, not necessarily during Christmas. I am also aware that there is social pressure to conform - "you know, every other child is getting presents, how would my children feel?" I am not exactly sure either. I guess it is something they learn to cope with time: about not needing to conform to the rest of the world.

Talking about social pressure, there is another retailer-happy day where there is even greater social pressure for me: valentine's day. From the early courting days, I told my wife we would not observe it - for the same reasons I gave above for not conforming to Christmas giving. I have so far convinced my wife that I can show love to her in other ways and on other times, not necessarily on valentine's day. So far so good ...

The last frontier - Chinese new year - is the most difficult to conquer. I will risk the wrath of my parents and my in-laws if I don't buy them bakkua and goodies. Since it is once a year, I will not fight this one ...

Like father, like children?

My wife and I were having a chat a few days ago and we chanced upon this topic of how we thought some children we know are so like their parents. "they are so quiet ... Just like their parents"; "he is very temperamental, er ... Just like his father." after a while, as we scanned our minds for the young children/teens we knew, it seemed we could articulate for almost everyone the image of some imprints of their parents in them. We come to the conclusion that, whether we do it consciously or otherwise, some parts of our character or way we deal with things rub on our children. It is not surprising. We are with our children everyday. They observe our actions, the way we talk, and how we cope with problems of life. After a while, it becomes their default mode as well. Like what others say, our children do not learn from what we tell them, but by how we live.

This is scary. because it means that the unconscious learning of the children does not discriminate between our good traits and our weaknesses. we cannot simply assume they pick up all our strengths and filter off our undesirable attributes. This means that I cannot exhort them to be disciplined and make good use of their time while I waste mine away in iPad games. It means I cannot urge them not to be selfish while I am not considerate in the things I do. It means I cannot scold them for not talking nicely while I raise my voice around at home frequently.

For that, I asked my wife to tell me what some of my weaknesses are for a start. She pointed out that I tend to be defensive when i am adjudged to be in the wrong. I argued immediately against it. Well, that proved her point, actually. I guess I need to be conscious of my habitual weaknesses so that I do not model wrong behavior to my children.

But really, I guess the more important thing is to present our genuine human face to our children and confess openly to them our imperfections as persons and as parents. And that, if they rely solely on us as models for good habits and behavior, they will soon be disappointed. I don't think it is necessary nor good for us as parents to give the impression that we are always the best examples for them. If there is one thing we can be example of, it is that we accept one another lovingly as "work in progress" while we set our sights firmly on the One who should be our true absolute standard.

Parenting: intuitive or counterintuitive?

What is your first reaction when your 4-year old son falls from his bike and looks like he is struggling very hard to get on it again? I caught myself doing something very unusual when that happened to my son a week ago. I was a few steps away from him when that happened. I just stayed where I was, look at him - and did nothing. In fact, one passerby who was a few yards behind me rushed forward and offered to pick up the bike for him. I gave him a wry smile and said, "thanks, but it's ok". He look puzzled and walked away. I wouldnt blame him if he whispered some unspeakables about me being a father.

At that moment, a thought came to me in a flash, "why help him if the struggling helps him learn to cope on his own?" in any case, he was not hurt nor in any danger and sweating out a bit wont hurt him. I guess I am becoming the kind of father that wants my children to figure things out for themselves first before they seek help from others. I am hesitant to send a signal to my children that calling for help should be their first resort when they are faced with difficulties. I would rather they work hard on it first before they know they need additional help. I watched my son struggled a while with his bike. He looked at me for a while. I stood where I was and urged him on. He pulled his bike up after a few tries. Hopped on it and cycled off. I then thought to myself, "this isn't so bad. I should do this more often!"

Then I reflected and realized that on too many occasions, I rushed to the aid of my children too rashly. This is true at different stages of their growth. Putting on shoes for them, buy food from hawker centre for them, find out information for them, help them in their homework etc. Very often, I don't stop to think if it is really helping them when I rush to their aid at the first signs of need/trouble. Perhaps this is a basic instinct as a parent to protect and provide for our children. This is certainly necessary when they are helpless in the early years. But as they grow in strength and intellect, it will not be doing them a service by making them rely on us parents at the first signs of trouble.

There is perhaps a deeper psychological cause to this instinct of rushing to their aid: I want to ride to their rescue because that makes me feel needed and important in their lives. And, as a father, deep within, I want to feel important to my children. Frankly, it is nice to feel important and being recognized as such. But really, if not moderated, it is an excuse for feeding my pride.

Honeymoon, again

My wife and I did something we have not done for 12 years: go for an overseas holiday without the children. We just returned from an 8-day trip to Melbourne. The first time we did this was when our second child was about 3 years old. After that trip, my wife felt so guilty about leaving the children behind while we enjoyed (she thought it was irresponsible for her to do that as a mother) that she told me that she wouldn't want to do that again.

Well, she obviously changed her mind this time. I guess, partly, the children are now older (although our youngest is only 4) and so she might not feel so guilty, assured that perhaps the older ones would help take care of the younger ones. The main reason is that she is now more convinced, over the years, that spending time with her husband alone is not a luxury but a necessity for marriage and the family.

We enjoyed the trip. We didn't do sightseeing as we are quite familiar with Melbourne and its surrounds. We were instead spending time catching up with friends and with one another. It is a good break just to be physically and psychologically away from the children for some time - just two of us doing what we like together, just like newlyweds. It feels like another honeymoon. I should do this more often with my wife.

And, thankfully, the children were well and happy when we returned.