What is your first reaction when your 4-year old son falls from his bike and looks like he is struggling very hard to get on it again? I caught myself doing something very unusual when that happened to my son a week ago. I was a few steps away from him when that happened. I just stayed where I was, look at him - and did nothing. In fact, one passerby who was a few yards behind me rushed forward and offered to pick up the bike for him. I gave him a wry smile and said, "thanks, but it's ok". He look puzzled and walked away. I wouldnt blame him if he whispered some unspeakables about me being a father.
At that moment, a thought came to me in a flash, "why help him if the struggling helps him learn to cope on his own?" in any case, he was not hurt nor in any danger and sweating out a bit wont hurt him. I guess I am becoming the kind of father that wants my children to figure things out for themselves first before they seek help from others. I am hesitant to send a signal to my children that calling for help should be their first resort when they are faced with difficulties. I would rather they work hard on it first before they know they need additional help. I watched my son struggled a while with his bike. He looked at me for a while. I stood where I was and urged him on. He pulled his bike up after a few tries. Hopped on it and cycled off. I then thought to myself, "this isn't so bad. I should do this more often!"
Then I reflected and realized that on too many occasions, I rushed to the aid of my children too rashly. This is true at different stages of their growth. Putting on shoes for them, buy food from hawker centre for them, find out information for them, help them in their homework etc. Very often, I don't stop to think if it is really helping them when I rush to their aid at the first signs of need/trouble. Perhaps this is a basic instinct as a parent to protect and provide for our children. This is certainly necessary when they are helpless in the early years. But as they grow in strength and intellect, it will not be doing them a service by making them rely on us parents at the first signs of trouble.
There is perhaps a deeper psychological cause to this instinct of rushing to their aid: I want to ride to their rescue because that makes me feel needed and important in their lives. And, as a father, deep within, I want to feel important to my children. Frankly, it is nice to feel important and being recognized as such. But really, if not moderated, it is an excuse for feeding my pride.
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