Setting expectations

This is a double whammy year: my eldest is sitting for his A level exams and my number 2 is doing her O level. Every now and then, we talked about the stresses they faced - most of the time, not from their parents. Tonight, both of them talked about how the school exam papers are usually set at a few notches tougher than the actual A or O level papers. This appears to be true for all the subjects they take. I know - this is an old 'trick' that teachers use. The logic is this: set the school papers consistently more challenging to raise the standards and expectations for students to strive towards. If they can reach it, excellent; but even if they fall short by a few rungs, still very good, as in, still A grade. [think about it, this somewhat epitomizes the 'singapore spirit' - for good or bad. It is that "meeting standard" is not good enough type of mentality; excellence far exceeding expectations is the goal for all]. I recall some words of wisdom I received from a principal in my early days of teaching. She said that setting higher-than-needed expectations is a "double-edged sword", meaning, it can motivate those who are already driven to excel, but it can also discourage those who are already struggling to meet the basic requirements. Constant use of such a double-edged instrument can thus cause a widening of the gap between these groups of students. I can't help making a connection to parenting. I think it is important that our children ought to make striving for excellence a necessary disposition in life. For that, there is certainly a place for parents to set high expectations for them - not just in studies, but in all other areas that we deem as important for them. Habitual mediocrity is damaging for the child, not to mention its impact to the whole of Singapore. But I have learnt that this is only one side of the story; our children need encouragement too. It is no good simply telling a child who is discouraged with failures that he needs to attain even higher standards than the ones that he had just failed in. He needs some timely encouragement instead. Perhaps one good form of encouragement is success itself. I have observed how words of praises and appreciation for small deeds of kindness and love - such as helping their mother with the dishes or giving me a hug - bring a smile on their faces when they are most 'down'. I am not sure if they are sufficient to encourage them. But I trust they all add up.