How not to nag ...

I have always wondered, "How nice if my children can exercise more ownership of their duties - wash the dishes, clear their laundry, do their homework, practise self-discipline - all these without reminders from parents!" It is certainly much better if these are personally-owned and internalized rather than externally imposed responsibilities. It is very tiring (not to mention anger-inducing) for parents to have to keep track of whether their work is done and to follow-up with reminders (or naggings). Moreover, this constant cajoling is counter-productive if the goal is to instill in them the initiative from within themselves to carry these duties cheerfully. The question is: how can we help programme in their systems these routines so that it becomes part of them and hence achieve the state of internal motivation? We tried a number of things - with mixed results. One principle we hold on to is that we do not do for them something they can do for themselves. i recognize that the instinct for us parents is to quickly rush to the aid of our children when we see them struggling with something - such as tying shoelaces for very young children or facing difficulties with a maths problem for older children. I guess this instinct arises from our wanting to help our children. It is further accentuated in busy Singapore - we are always rushing so we reckon (perhaps unconsciously) that if we do it for them, it is much faster and so we save time. So, it was very hard when we initially tried out this principle in practice. We are always tempted to do it for them or to give them the answers straightaway. But we became convinced that, in the long run, rushing to their help stunts their learning to own the problems (and the solutions) for themselves. For example, if we plan their weekend schedule for them all the time, it takes from them the opportunity to learn to prioritize their commitments and take responsibility for what they plan. Of course, when they are too young, they may not be able to carry out very complicated tasks completely independently. We are happy to provide consultation whenever they need. On the domestic front, we also tried to give them household duties - such as wiping the dinner table, loading the dishwasher, cutting fruits, clearing the sink - as early as possible. My 6-year old, for example, starts with setting the table and mopping the floor. The intention is that these duties would help anchor them to a stake in the home - that they have a responsibility to the family and should learn to contribute to its working. But none of these methods are always effective. There are (many times) when we ended up in a who-blinks-first situation; that is, when certain duties we expect the child to do but he/she has neglected it for some time - in the spirit of self-ownership we should refrain from nagging but we struggle within ourselves to live with the mess and bad consequences that such negligence results. This will be the case so long as there exists value misalignment: the values of the child is not aligned to the values of the parents. For example, the value of the parent places neatness in a high priority; the value of the child is such that neatness is unimportant; result: child's room is messy, parents want him/her to learn ownership and so refrain from tidying it for the child, the child can live with the messiness, the parents can't take it and so clean it up, thus feeding on the vicious cycle of parent-child value misalignment, since the child knows that it will always be sorted out in the end. Thus, ultimately, the values alignment must take place in the heart of the child. He must come to learn that something is more important than others and they should thus be organized according to their priorities. Parents may try to hasten this process of learning by instruction, repetitions, rewards (or even punishments), but we can't directly force it upon them else it defeats the very purpose of them imbibing these routines as personally owned. In short, I recognize the need of patient prayer and waiting in this long process of learning responsibility in our children. Meanwhile, I read them this verse whenever I am down, "My son, give me thine heart ..." (Prov 23:26).