Coping with stress

There has been a lot of talk lately about stress our children are experiencing because of the major exams. Most agree that some stress is helpful - to prevent complacency and mediocrity; and too much can detract from the holistic goals of education - no time and passion for anything else except drilling for exam performance. It is nice to know that this issue is now raised to a level where serious discussions are conducted, with the hope of structural changes to alleviate the over-stress problem. But, policy tweaks can only do so much. There are other sources of stress (which I suspect are more fundamental), not least of which is internal stress generated by being kiasu (fear of failure). If we accept that stress is something our children need to cope throughout life in Singapore, it is perhaps more useful to help our children learn to deal with stress than await some magic solutions to happen from the authorities. In this regard, looking at how my two older children are so stressed out over the recent exams, I am clearly not doing so well. This explains the following thoughts ... Internal stress usually starts when we compare with others around us. The problem, though, is not with comparison per se; rather, it is with the wrong response to the comparison, such as being seized by fear of losing out if we do not catch up, or being driven solely with the obsession of wanting to beat our competitors to stay on top. I like to think that the right response to comparison is: "I see they are better, how can I learn from them?" Or "our strengths are in different areas; how can we work as a team to complement each other?" Another way to deal with the 'comparison issue' is to change the object of comparison. Instead of comparing with others, we should compare with ourselves, ie, instead of looking at how I fare in relation to others, focus on how I fare against my potential, given the constraints. If we are honestly able to say that, given the time, talent, and resources, it is the best we can do, then I don't see why we need to over stress ourselves with feelings of guilt that we can't perform as well as others. Well, the most important way to deal with stress is ultimately to learn to commit our ways to God. It is to confess that, no matter how hard we try by ourselves, we cannot meet the standards - not even the ones we set for ourselves. We need to depend on God to take us through all of life's challenges. It is to entrust ourselves in His care, knowing that He knows what is best for us even when we think it is not the best for ourselves. This is one lesson that is easy to articulate but hard to live out. I pray that my children and I will not only know this propositionally, but also experientially.

Why study so hard?

As you know, it is exam season - O and A level - in my family now. A few days ago, one of them asked me this question, "dad, what actually is a good motivation for studying so hard?" I was stunned for a while. In that few seconds before I provided an answer, a number of thoughts ran through my mind (and still running ...). I couldnt make myself say, "to do well in exams so as to get a well-paying job next time." Although it is true that the correlation between good results and well-paying jobs is high, I am hesitant to give the impression that the greatest motivation for her to study is to land her with a well-paying job in future. It has too strong a pragmatic bend to it. And, if the ultimate purpose for a 'good job' is to earn lots of money, then there is a further materialistic ring to it as well. I am aware that other parents would have no qualms providing well-paying jobs as a motivation for their children to study hard, and I can understand why. But, as a Christian parent, I believe there should be more to it. It has to do with the goal of study - knowledge. [there is of course a difference between "study hard" and "study hard for exams". The latter is very narrow in scope; the former has to do with a disposition towards the acquisition of knowledge]. I would like my children to see knowledge as derived ultimately from God - it is worth acquiring in its own right insofar as it helps us to know God and His creation order better, not just because of the extrinsic rewards as a result of the knowledge acquired. In this sense, studying hard to acquire knowledge is one way to realize our potential as His creatures - to know Him and to understand the world that He has called us to subdue. Well, for obvious reasons, I didn't provide such a long answer to my daughter. I just said to her, "well, this is your current station of life - as a student - that God has called you into right now. For that, you need to be faithful to your calling - by studying hard."

Teaching cantonese

I have always wanted to get my children to learn their 'father tongue': Cantonese. Haven't been successful - in fact, a total failure. Well, I can blame many things, such as the school focus being only English and mandarin, my wife is hokkien, the low economic value of cantonese ... . But if I am to be honest, I don't have to look very far. The root cause is traceable to me. As always, without the parent modelling it [my default language is english], it is hard to expect the children to pick it up seriously. To be honest, I don't have a foolproof argument for why i think the children should learn cantonese. I just think that it helps to know another language, and the natural choice - among many vying candidates such as Japanese, Spanish ... - is the one that reflects our ethnic roots best. That knowing cantonese helps them communicate better with their grandparents (and even less incentivizing, makes them feel at home in Hong Kong and Chinatowns all over the world) is extra motivation. Well, I received an encouragement a few days ago. My eldest son - who is doing his 'A' level now - said that one of his resolutions while awaiting the call for military service is to learn cantonese! That gave me a boost to try harder. As always, it seems sensible to start with the one that offers the least resistance: the youngest 5-year old. For the last few days, I have been working on him; I taught him some stock cantonese phrases like sek fai ti, guai guai ... He has been lapping them up. I hope this will last ...

Crossing boundaries

The first time I was made to think more consciously about "lines" within society was when Lee Kuan Yew spoke about deep "fault lines" within our seemingly harmonious Singapore society. He was referring to racial lines that are invisible (especially during peace times) but are nonetheless very real (especially during turbulent times stirred up by regional radical elements) and can surface in ways that are catastrophic for societies - much like how fault lines surface in earthquakes. These lines are very much like boundaries between two states. They are not bad in themselves. They demarcate a border between two peoples so that there is mutual respect, and so that the people on the respective sides of the line can have a sense of jurisdictional integrity and identity. The problem is: a line also accentuates the differences between peoples on both sides of it. This consciousness of differences can be so heightened that it can alienate one from the other, become a barrier in communication, and ultimately threaten the unity of the peoples. In case you are thinking that I am writing a political commentary piece, I am not. I am using this as a reflection of all kinds of lines that separate people in society (in communities, and even families). I think of divides like rich/poor, local-/foreign-born, white-/blue-collared, academically/technically-inclined, and the list goes on. Each of these lines has the potential to fragment communities. In each case, the 'inferior' side of the line is sensitive to their lower status and the natural thing to do is to seek solidarity within the comfort zone of mingling solely among themselves; the 'superior' side is also usually insensitive to the feelings of the other side and are quite happy to interact among themselves. With time, invisible (but very real) walls are formed which create suspicion, fear, and disunity within communities. Which is why I think that in every community (including family), we need "boundary crossers" who naturally look beyond the differences and have the communicative sensitivities to bridge peoples across these divides through common causes. These bridge-builders are so important to our society that we need a lot of them around. Which leads to why I am writing this piece in the first place: it arises from a question I ask myself, "in educating my children, do I imbue in them this boundary-crossing mindset? Or worse, do I accentuate these divides by (unconsciously) modeling stay-within-this-side thinking instead?

Thoughts on public sex

There have been quite a bit of media hooha on the couple who publicize their sex - with vivid images - in the open domain. It is shocking as most Asians still regard the sex act as a very private matter. Many are thus shocked that the couple has no qualms about challenging this social norm, and defending their right to do so despite calls for their repentance. On the other hand, as I thought about it, what they did actually shouldn't really surprise us. They are simply being consistent to a view of life that is shared by many (I suspect even among those who castigate them): moral relativism. It is a belief that there are no moral absolutes; instead, what is right or wrong depends on the times and the contexts in which one lives, or even one's personal point of view - that is, everyone is entitled to their own values so long as it doesn't harm others, so "don't tell me what to do. It is my business". In the case of the couple who parade their escapades, they are just carrying out this version of moral relativism - that, to them, sex is just an act of pleasure shared by two persons, no different from how others enjoy a meal together in a fun way - to its logical conclusion. Sadly, i think many of us, though outwardly moralistic, are secret moral relativist at heart. In other words, when pressed with a robust response to why we live the way we should - such as, why we do not endorse extra-marital affairs -, we may end up simply saying something along the lines that it is part of our personal value system, while acknowledging that others need not share the same. Well, It seems quite fine for us. But it is not quite a sufficient basis to educate our children on. How would we then answer if our children say, "in that case, I am different from you - unlike you, I move with the times ..."? Thankfully, we need not go down relativism's dead end. I tell my children that men, left to ourselves, contrary to how great we think ourselves to be, do not know what is right or wrong for us. We need a moral absolute that can come from one who is Absolute. Only He can tell us what is ultimately good for us. And it is in following God's wise design that we can derive the true happiness that is meant for us to enjoy. I believe this with all my heart, and pray that my children will learn the same.

Talking about sex

As most parents would testify, it is hard to talk about "sex" with our children. I recall the first time I broached it over our dinner table, it felt like it got stuck as a lump in my throat. I had to do the roundabout thing: do you know how plants multiply through fertilization? And how about animals? Have you seen how the lions copulate in the zoo? ... It was quite tough, but I got there. It was quite unnatural for me - having been brought up in a family that didn't discuss these matters openly. For me, I learnt it along the way from my friends - in hush tones and amidst lewd giggles - in school. It was quite bad 'education', as I picked up a lot of twisted ideas of what sex means, and had to spent many years subsequently unlearning them before slowly sorting my thoughts out about it. One perverse view of sex is the over-magnification of its attraction as pure sensual pleasure, obscuring the vital context within which this pleasure serves and derives its legitimacy from: marriage. This is God's design - that physical intimacy between husband and wife is both a physical expression of love between them as well as a glue that strengthens the bond in their marriage. But modern men have a knack for ripping out a wise design to take only the part - in this case, sex - that provides the quickest grafification. The Hollywood portrayal of sex as do-it-when-I-feel-like-it is a direct application of this perversion. It encourages an irresponsible and shallow understanding of sex that ultimately renders it as a hollow physical act and an irony - instead of bringing the satisfaction it promises, it creates a misplaced appetite for lust that is insatiable. When men isolate sex from marriage, they think it is a master stroke of ingenuity - to be able to enjoy pleasure without responsibility and accountability ( to God and wife). This deviation from God's design for true happiness may bring about fleeting pleasures, but never lasting satisfaction of the soul. [in fact, it results in lasting pains - morally, emotionally, and sometimes, even physically] But another wrong reaction - in the other extreme, and more common among boys who first hear about sex - is "eeee ... Yucks". Sex in this view is seen as 'dirty' and associated with something inordinate. This view must also be corrected - sex cannot be eeeky because God instituted it. It is part of His beautiful creation to be enjoyed under His wise design of marriage. The children should know that when their parents retire into the privacy of their bedroom, they are not doing some dark unspeakables in some dark corners of their room, they are living out one of the most beautiful expressions of love between man and woman as they rest assured within God's wonderful design. Well, I didn't intend to write so much on this. As you can see, there is quite a lot to untangle about sex. Which explains why I prefer that my children first hear it from me.

Setting expectations

This is a double whammy year: my eldest is sitting for his A level exams and my number 2 is doing her O level. Every now and then, we talked about the stresses they faced - most of the time, not from their parents. Tonight, both of them talked about how the school exam papers are usually set at a few notches tougher than the actual A or O level papers. This appears to be true for all the subjects they take. I know - this is an old 'trick' that teachers use. The logic is this: set the school papers consistently more challenging to raise the standards and expectations for students to strive towards. If they can reach it, excellent; but even if they fall short by a few rungs, still very good, as in, still A grade. [think about it, this somewhat epitomizes the 'singapore spirit' - for good or bad. It is that "meeting standard" is not good enough type of mentality; excellence far exceeding expectations is the goal for all]. I recall some words of wisdom I received from a principal in my early days of teaching. She said that setting higher-than-needed expectations is a "double-edged sword", meaning, it can motivate those who are already driven to excel, but it can also discourage those who are already struggling to meet the basic requirements. Constant use of such a double-edged instrument can thus cause a widening of the gap between these groups of students. I can't help making a connection to parenting. I think it is important that our children ought to make striving for excellence a necessary disposition in life. For that, there is certainly a place for parents to set high expectations for them - not just in studies, but in all other areas that we deem as important for them. Habitual mediocrity is damaging for the child, not to mention its impact to the whole of Singapore. But I have learnt that this is only one side of the story; our children need encouragement too. It is no good simply telling a child who is discouraged with failures that he needs to attain even higher standards than the ones that he had just failed in. He needs some timely encouragement instead. Perhaps one good form of encouragement is success itself. I have observed how words of praises and appreciation for small deeds of kindness and love - such as helping their mother with the dishes or giving me a hug - bring a smile on their faces when they are most 'down'. I am not sure if they are sufficient to encourage them. But I trust they all add up.