Lessons from Kilimanjaro

I returned from the Mt Kilimanjaro climb about a week ago. It has taken a while for the realities of the experiences to set in ... I thought to share some lessons here before they become distant memory. It was a very tough climb - both physically and mentally. it took the team more than 8 hrs in the final ascent day to get to the summit - amidst subzero temperature, unrelenting blasting wind, low levels of oxygen, slippery slopes, lack of sleep, and under the cover of darkness. But i suppose all these contribute to the sweetness of success. There is a sense in which, without the toughness, there will be less satisfaction: the strength of the feeling of achievement comes with the toughness of getting there. It is consistent with the adage of "no pain no gain", implying that "gain" comes through "pain". This reminds me that this might be the same for the children too. Often, there is temptation to shield our children from toughness. But worthwhile goals in life often come with a lot of exertion and perseverance through toughness. I think of the common complaints that my children offered when they were younger, "this CCA practices are so tough and boring; when I first joined, I thought it would be fun!" my initial instinct was to release them of their 'torture' by allowing them to quit. Later, I would learn that they should persevere for at least a reasonable length of time more. Usually, when they later tasted of the fruits of hard labour, they found the tough journey worthwhile and necessary. But one ingredient I thought was very important for the reaching of the summit was pole pole (pronounced as po-le po-le in Swahili which means going very slowly). The main problem hindering success is poor acclimatization, especially to the low levels of oxygen. Going pole pole increases the chance of our body getting used to lesser oxygen per inhale. Conversely, those who rush the ascent tends to accentuate the occurrence of acute mountain sickness. How true it is in the development of our children. It cannot be rushed, can it? It is easy for us to lose patience and want them to learn - fast (often faster than they are comfortable with) - and the effects can be worse. We need to observe their steps and follow their pace - one step at a time, slowly, often repeatedly. It may take very much longer, but we should get there nevertheless.

Loosening the grip ...

One of the sad ironies of life is this: the more you want something, the more it slips away from you. Whenever I think of this adage, the common soap-holding analogy comes to mind - hold it firmly and it stays in the hand; grip it tighter and it slips off the hand. This seems true in many things of life I have experienced: the more I want to hold on to a job, the more it seems to slip away; the more I want to salvage a relationship, the more we push one another apart; the more I want my chidren to conform to my ways, the more they seem to go other ways. The problem is not with the desire; the problem is when the desire for something starts to change me - change me into a desperate, unreasonable, narrow, and ... well- someone that is not fun to be with. I think of a typical example of this in the context of wanting our children to learn good habits. I can often want it so much that I keep correcting them for every single fault they manifest. It starts with occasional correction, then constant reminder, then soon, it degenerates into nagging. in the process, in the eyes of the children, I morph from a caring father into a pedantic foggie and into an unreasonable disciplinarian. Often, we are so caught up with our desire to change them that we are unaware of this process of negative change in ourselves. It is no wonder that many parents share that they find it so hard to help their children in their studies - the 'tuition' sessions usually degenerate into emotionally explosive encounters that leave two angry people: not exactly a conducive environment for learning to take place. Thankfully, in most cases, like the soap that slips off our hand, we can gently pick it up again - this time with greater caution against 'squeezing'. Parenting is a long journey. We can reflect on times when our desire for our children were so unrelenting that it got the better of us. With experience, we can learn when the temptation to 'squeeze' is coming and learn to consciously loosen up. Loosening up, by the way, is not to be confused with letting go. The latter is more akin to giving up; the former is about taking stock, self-reflect, and see ourselves from our children's perspective. For me, the soap bars slip off more often than I like. I pray that my children will be patient with me as I learn the art of soap-holding. Today is a special day: I am flying to Kilimanjaro to attempt to climb the mountain there - the tallest in Africa. I guess this lesson is applicable. I can want to scale the summit so much that it changes me into an irrational and over-gung-ho Lao uncle. Pray for me - that I will know when to loosen the grip.

Courage to take a drastic step when needed

I shared in my earlier blog on 29 Oct 2011 on "constantly stimulating our senses" that we are in a generation where we tend to yearn for constant stimulation - smartfone, Facebook, apps, emails, ... I ended the piece by sharing my apprehension about how my eldest son would take to this temptation for over-stimulation as he embarked on the smartfone lifestyle. It has been half a year since he was given so much 'power' in his hands. A few days ago, he gave me a surprise. He passed me the phone, "dad, this phone is yours now. I don't need it anymore." he has since transferred the 'power' to me, and in return took my 'classic' phone. He said that the basic features of calling and SMS in the 'classic' phone is all that he needs now, and he doesn't need all the other features of smartfone to distract him. Although he doesn't say it, I know it was not an easy decision for him. Based on my observation for the last half a year, his life was already so intertwined with the smartfone - checking emails, playing games, faceboo chats etc - it was very much his all-in-one communication and games console which i thought he would not be able to do without any more. I guess he has come to a point where he realize he cannot have it both ways: enjoying this liberty of easy access to these array of leisure/communication tools and yet not be tempted to use them excessively. I guess it requires humility to admit this: that one is too weak to strike this balance of liberty and so has to err on the side of caution. This reminds me of the bible teaching about "if my right eye offend thee, pluck it out ...". Clearly, the bible is not teaching literal disfigurement to avoid temptation. But I do believe these bible passages teach the need to take drastic action to deal with repeated difficulties to cope with certain temptations. I learnt an important lesson from my son: that if I am weighed down by a constant struggle over something not fundamental to true happiness in my life, I perhaps need the courage simply cut it off altogether.

Inculcating good habits in our children

Was thinking about this for much of the past week: how critical are the habits of young children in determining their way of life in much later years? Since I don't know enough about the lives of others, I started by examining the question in the light of my own experience. I think the simple answer is "yes, more critical than most would imagine". Take the example of reading for me. In my childhood and teenage years, reading was never the first priority. I read because I had to - to study for exams, to check out some information. In other words, reading was NOT a habit/routine in my life. Till this day, even after I realize how important reading is - for knowledge and the training of the mind - it somehow is not part of my daily way of life. As in, picking up a book to read is not a natural part of me; I had to consciously remind myself to do it. Or, if you like, reading is NOT pleasure for me, as it is for others I know.

this makes me think that, for habits that are worth carrying on in life, they are perhaps best inculcated in our children when they are much younger. I am beginning to learn - the hard way now - that if I take the easy route of 'letting them be' when they are younger, the good habits - such as being neat and organized, doing first things first, picking up a book to read etc - are far harder to inculcate when they are older and more 'hardened' in their ways.

On hindsight, it may also mean that, at an early stage of parenting, some lifestyle-changing decisions may have to be made. I recall one such change. I used to do this as soon as I come home from work: switch on the TV, slouch into the sofa, and hang my legs up. Hours usually passed unnoticed. My wife noticed that soon, this became the habit of my older children - the first habitual instinct for them when they were free was to go for the TV remote control. TV then had an uncanny way of gobbling up the time that can be spent in more wholesome ways. It came at time when we felt that we had to take a rather drastic decision to annul the habit - so that we could replace them with better ones, like having family dinner and worship after that. We decided to disconnect the TV from the channels. It was a painful decision for me - because by that time, I was a TV addict. True enough, I suffered from 'withdrawal symptoms'. But the positives we gradually got out of this decision far outweighed what I missed. [in fact, my eldest told me a few days ago that he now thinks that it was good for him].

The point is: good habits compete with bad ones. We may find the effort of inculcating good habits in our children (and in us, as models) far more difficult if we, at the same time, sabotage ourselves by inadvertently modeling bad habits. The easy part is in telling our children what good habits are; the difficult part is making painful lifestyle-changing decisions to weed out bad habits in ourselves and to start modeling good ones ...

Coping with 4 children

Whenever I meet a stranger and he/she discovers that I have 4 children, the most common reaction is, "how do you cope?" I usually just smile. actually, I never really gave this question much thought, till a few moments ago ...

As I look closer at myself, I realize that, with time, one of my coping strategy is essentially to lower the expectation for myself - as in the expectation of how much I can do for my children. it is to recognize that, given limited time and energy, I can't do everything. There is a need to prioritize. I guess when some people imagine a father of four children, they think of one constantly under pressure and in action - driving around to fetch children, coaching them in their school work, thinking of ways to earn more money to meet their growing needs, bringing them to vacations, dealing with their naughty behaviors ... [long list]. Actually, thinking about it, I do these things, but not to a point where doing so tires me and rips the enjoyment out of me. For example, I do drive my children to school - but not everyday; I do coach my children in their schoolwork - but not everyday; I do deal with their undesirable behaviours - but not every time.

In fact, a practical way for me to cope and prioritize these things is by way of a fixed
weekly schedule. I coach them in their schoolwork on tue and thur nights. I send them to school on wed, thur, and fri mornings ... But some may wonder, "what if your children want help for school work on other days of the week?" well, if it is a one-off question that requires only a short explanation, I would oblige; but if it requires involved explanations, I would ask them to wait till tue or thur nights. [to me, this is both a way to cope for me as well as a way for my children to learn not to take their dad for granted].

Of course, coping with the needs of children cannot be reduced to just a mechanical adherence to a schedule. I found it also important to deal with our own attitude towards our children. As I always advise my children: if there is something you have to do, it is much better to do it happily. I guess I have to apply it first to myself. Since being a father of 4 children is an 'inescapable responsibility', it is much better to do it happily. I find that once the mindset is one of enjoying the time with the children, the stresses are much reduced.

Ultimately, the answer to the question of "how I cope" is "I can't". At least, I can't do it alone. I have found one of the greatest encouragement of being a christian father is this: only God can move and change the hearts of my children; and I am so glad I can lean upon Him for that.

Thinking about thoughtful children

Have been thinking for some time now about the wisdom needed to bring up thoughtful children - as in, children who have a thinking and enquiring disposition about issues of life they read about or encounter. [I am aware that the word "thoughtful" has another more common usage that roughly means considerate to others. That is also another very important virtue, and perhaps a theme of another blog ...]. I like to see my children reflecting upon the things they experience - whether it be a book they read, a piece of news they encounter, or the opinions of someone they hear - and offering well-reasoned insights about them; and doing so on a regular basis.

I think the smartfone generation, with information literally at the fingertips, breeds a certain illusion: that since information is so readily available, we are now a "knowledge generation". The problem is: with so much more knowledge so quickly accessible, there is a temptation to skim knowledge on it's surface instead of thinking about them deeply. This is the proverbial "mile wide but inch deep" way of dealing with information. Many chidren (and adults) therefore think that we know a lot, but it may be the case of knowing very little about the things we know about.

The sad thing is that schools may not be of much help in this regard. The state of affairs of school 'education' in Singapore today is such that almost only the results matter. Teachers, too, (often unconsciously) teach by going straight to the end result of what they intend students to know, skipping much of the reasoning that leads to the results. As an example, I recall how my teachers taught me about the effect of multiplying a number by ten is the "moving of the decimal point one position to the right"; I don't recall the teacher discussing the reasoning process that leads to this result. I doubt it is much different today. [in fact, I checked with all my children who have passed this point of their maths learning. None of them can explain the process to me; neither can they recall the teachers explaining it to them].

So, I guess it is back on the shoulders of parents. It is not easy. I have been trying to ask more "why" questions to my children (especially the older ones). I also try to model thoughtfulness by talking aloud my thoughts to them whenever we discuss an issue (usually over dinner table).

Anyone has something to share on this matter?

Dad needs hugs

Unknown to me, one of the things that I have grown to look forward to when I step home from work is this: my four-year-old running towards me, take a great leap into my arms, culminating in what we have called a 'tight huggie'. I have always thought that it was a gesture of love that I show to my young son. As time went own, I am beginning to feel that it is the other way round too: a gesture of love from my son that I need each day.

Brought up in a 'typical' Chinese home, I am not used to this woozy idea of a father needing love. So it is a little embarrassing to admit this: I need love - from my wife, and my children. And not just from the occasional birthday gifts and regular acts of duty (something I don't despise though - because children obeying their parents is surely a consistent form of love). I also need regular tangible acts of love. It makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. It makes me look forward to coming home.

Apart from the daily 'tight huggie' from my youngest - and he is the most consistent in the home, I also 'demand' a hug from my wife soon after that. [sometimes, my wife is busy at the kitchen and feels too busy to dispense these morsels of love. The youngest will then call out, "mummy, you forget to hug daddy!"] it is sometimes a nuisance to her - especially when she is about to pour the vegetables into the wok. But I am a bit spoilt - I stand there looking really miserable and mutter something like, "darling, i had a tiring day" until she wraps her arms around me. She doesn't say it - but I know she also looks forward to the hug from me each day ...

Although less frequently, I would occasionally go to my girls' (number 2 and 3) room in the night and ask for hugs too. The number 3 (11 years old) is a bit more generous. When she is on the mood, she would sit on my lap - to hug and kiss me goodnite. The number 2 (16 years old) is more miserly. She has started to feel shy, but still do not mind a hug and a peck on the cheek from me. As to the eldest boy (18 years old), hugs are out for a him - he will stiffen like a piece of wood. But putting my arms round his shoulders and giving him a hard pat on his back are what remains of physical bonding.

I guess we all need to be loved - in tangible ways, and regularly. I don't feel guilty or embarrassed asking for hugs any more.