Is parenting a gamble?

A few days ago, I heard this mentioned by a guest speaker of a radio talkshow: in life, there are full of gambles, for example, having children is gambling ... It took me a while to take it in. As preposterous as it sounds, as I dug into my recollections of interactions with people, I think many people subscribe to this comparison, though perhaps unconsciously. Many old folks I know who are disappointed with their grown children's treatment of them would somehow mutter a line, "if I knew then, I would have preferred giving birth to a charsiew (pork bun)". But this line of thinking about parenting is not very helpful. In fact, it can bring about much unhappiness ... First, gambling presupposes a motive of (usually monetary) gain. [of course, the reality is often very different ...]. I think any one who goes into parenting with the "what can I gain out of it?" mentality is not doing a service to themselves nor to their children. You may even be priming yourself up for disappointment. Parenting is the best place to practice and experience this truism, "it is more blessed to give than to receive." This does not mean, of course, that parenting cannot be rewarding. I am thankful that God has encouraged me over the years with many non-material 'gains' - a hug here, a smiling face there, and their warm company throughout the days. But, it is quite another thing to strive for gains in its own right. Second, gambling is a totally helpless 'game'- once you put the bet, it is left to 'chance'. I certainly don't like this picture of helplessness and inability-to-intervene applied to parenting. It renders the work of parenting passive and deterministic. I suspect some parents indeed unconsciously subscribe to this portrayal - children just 'become' good or bad regardless of what we do. But parenting is anything but that. It should involve a constant involvement in the lives of our children - not only in the 'big turns' of their lives but on a regular daily basis. I want to be right-there-in-the-mix throughout their sadness and joys, success and failings. If we are not 'in' in their everyday lives, it is unlikely they will let us 'in' in times of crises. Yes, it is true that we cannot guarantee any thing about our children no matter how hard we try. [as a Christian, we depend on God's grace for everything]. But it is quite another thing to adopt a resigned attitude towards how our children turn out. Third, in gambling, the final outcome is all that matters: win-exuberance, lose-dashed. It is very sad if one thinks of parenting in this way - one that is purely outcome-oriented. In my short 18 years of parenting, I have learnt that it should not be outcomes that we should look forward to; much of the pleasures (and, of course, pains and hence learning) is derived in the PROCESS of parenting. I believe I am now a different person as a father because I learn along my children's growth - about them, about myself, and about how we relate to one another. I urge parents to think of parenting as a long journey which in itself (not just the destination) is worth experiencing because we grow with the children through it. No matter how difficult a task it is, parenting should not be associated with all the negativeness of gambling. When I started parenting many years ago, all I knew was that this is God's calling for me and I am going to trust Him for that. There is a lot of positiveness and hope in this thought. I haven't changed my mind.

Virtual communication as good as "real"?

I find this scene an increasingly common sight: a couple around a dinner table in a restaurant seated opposite each other; they hardly talk to one another, rather, their eyes are glued onto their respective phones/tablets. They are physically near to one another, but their minds are linked to others faraway at the other end of the cyber highways emanating from their electronic devices. I suppose this is a picture of modern 'communication' - conversing primarily through the gadgets on our palms rather than through the traditional 4-eyes meeting. "But what's wrong with that?" Some may respond. "This shows we are tapping on technology to communicate in ways and in speeds of interaction not previously possible." Yes, I have personally experienced the wonder of such possibilities: such as skyping with someone faraway - the closest thing to being next to the person. But, my discomfort is not in the prudent use of these communication devices, but the over-reliance on them to the point that one spends a disproportionate amount of time on it - there's no end to Skype, Facebook, SMS, watsapp, email etc - and little time on face-to-face interactions. Worse, I fear that some (including adults) are so honed to these virtual interactions that they have lost the art of "real" interactions. I know I am sounding really old-fashioned when I say this: but I think "real" communication face-to-face is of a very different nature from the virtual one. Just a few weeks ago, a friend shared to me about a hard lesson he learnt: he was maintaining friendship with someone exclusively through exchanging emails with the person. Months later, the correspondence ended in a very big misunderstanding that no further attempts at clarification could salvage the friendship. The person understood his emails in a very different way from what he had intended. There is a place for written correspondence - to deny it is to conclude foolishly that letter-writing in the past did not serve its purpose. But I suppose today, with the speed in which we type messages and obtain responses, we are sometimes lulled into a false sense that these online exchanges are identical to (and perhaps, can replace) face-to-face communications. The beauty of these traditional ways of interaction is that all of the multiple senses that God has given us can be brought into use in the communication process bi-directionally: we look at the body language, we listen to what and how things are said, we feel a nudge on our shoulder or a pat on our back [not to mention the catalytic effect of sipping coffee while enjoying all of the above]. I share these because I am concerned that our children will slip into this predominant virtual mode of communication and slowly lose the ability (through lack of practice) to enjoy interaction in actual social settings. I am beginning to see traces of such awkwardness when some youngsters gather. The ubiquity of smartphones and tablets do not help this cause. I suppose one of the best 'practice ground' for social interaction is the home. In the home, they start with familiar folks and they get to interact with people across a range of age groups - a microcosm of the wider social community. The key, I guess, is to create plenty of opportunities to communicate with one another in the family - and enjoying the process while we are at it. And one more thing: I ban the use of phones around the meal table. Too extreme?

Coping with stress

There has been a lot of talk lately about stress our children are experiencing because of the major exams. Most agree that some stress is helpful - to prevent complacency and mediocrity; and too much can detract from the holistic goals of education - no time and passion for anything else except drilling for exam performance. It is nice to know that this issue is now raised to a level where serious discussions are conducted, with the hope of structural changes to alleviate the over-stress problem. But, policy tweaks can only do so much. There are other sources of stress (which I suspect are more fundamental), not least of which is internal stress generated by being kiasu (fear of failure). If we accept that stress is something our children need to cope throughout life in Singapore, it is perhaps more useful to help our children learn to deal with stress than await some magic solutions to happen from the authorities. In this regard, looking at how my two older children are so stressed out over the recent exams, I am clearly not doing so well. This explains the following thoughts ... Internal stress usually starts when we compare with others around us. The problem, though, is not with comparison per se; rather, it is with the wrong response to the comparison, such as being seized by fear of losing out if we do not catch up, or being driven solely with the obsession of wanting to beat our competitors to stay on top. I like to think that the right response to comparison is: "I see they are better, how can I learn from them?" Or "our strengths are in different areas; how can we work as a team to complement each other?" Another way to deal with the 'comparison issue' is to change the object of comparison. Instead of comparing with others, we should compare with ourselves, ie, instead of looking at how I fare in relation to others, focus on how I fare against my potential, given the constraints. If we are honestly able to say that, given the time, talent, and resources, it is the best we can do, then I don't see why we need to over stress ourselves with feelings of guilt that we can't perform as well as others. Well, the most important way to deal with stress is ultimately to learn to commit our ways to God. It is to confess that, no matter how hard we try by ourselves, we cannot meet the standards - not even the ones we set for ourselves. We need to depend on God to take us through all of life's challenges. It is to entrust ourselves in His care, knowing that He knows what is best for us even when we think it is not the best for ourselves. This is one lesson that is easy to articulate but hard to live out. I pray that my children and I will not only know this propositionally, but also experientially.

Why study so hard?

As you know, it is exam season - O and A level - in my family now. A few days ago, one of them asked me this question, "dad, what actually is a good motivation for studying so hard?" I was stunned for a while. In that few seconds before I provided an answer, a number of thoughts ran through my mind (and still running ...). I couldnt make myself say, "to do well in exams so as to get a well-paying job next time." Although it is true that the correlation between good results and well-paying jobs is high, I am hesitant to give the impression that the greatest motivation for her to study is to land her with a well-paying job in future. It has too strong a pragmatic bend to it. And, if the ultimate purpose for a 'good job' is to earn lots of money, then there is a further materialistic ring to it as well. I am aware that other parents would have no qualms providing well-paying jobs as a motivation for their children to study hard, and I can understand why. But, as a Christian parent, I believe there should be more to it. It has to do with the goal of study - knowledge. [there is of course a difference between "study hard" and "study hard for exams". The latter is very narrow in scope; the former has to do with a disposition towards the acquisition of knowledge]. I would like my children to see knowledge as derived ultimately from God - it is worth acquiring in its own right insofar as it helps us to know God and His creation order better, not just because of the extrinsic rewards as a result of the knowledge acquired. In this sense, studying hard to acquire knowledge is one way to realize our potential as His creatures - to know Him and to understand the world that He has called us to subdue. Well, for obvious reasons, I didn't provide such a long answer to my daughter. I just said to her, "well, this is your current station of life - as a student - that God has called you into right now. For that, you need to be faithful to your calling - by studying hard."

Teaching cantonese

I have always wanted to get my children to learn their 'father tongue': Cantonese. Haven't been successful - in fact, a total failure. Well, I can blame many things, such as the school focus being only English and mandarin, my wife is hokkien, the low economic value of cantonese ... . But if I am to be honest, I don't have to look very far. The root cause is traceable to me. As always, without the parent modelling it [my default language is english], it is hard to expect the children to pick it up seriously. To be honest, I don't have a foolproof argument for why i think the children should learn cantonese. I just think that it helps to know another language, and the natural choice - among many vying candidates such as Japanese, Spanish ... - is the one that reflects our ethnic roots best. That knowing cantonese helps them communicate better with their grandparents (and even less incentivizing, makes them feel at home in Hong Kong and Chinatowns all over the world) is extra motivation. Well, I received an encouragement a few days ago. My eldest son - who is doing his 'A' level now - said that one of his resolutions while awaiting the call for military service is to learn cantonese! That gave me a boost to try harder. As always, it seems sensible to start with the one that offers the least resistance: the youngest 5-year old. For the last few days, I have been working on him; I taught him some stock cantonese phrases like sek fai ti, guai guai ... He has been lapping them up. I hope this will last ...

Crossing boundaries

The first time I was made to think more consciously about "lines" within society was when Lee Kuan Yew spoke about deep "fault lines" within our seemingly harmonious Singapore society. He was referring to racial lines that are invisible (especially during peace times) but are nonetheless very real (especially during turbulent times stirred up by regional radical elements) and can surface in ways that are catastrophic for societies - much like how fault lines surface in earthquakes. These lines are very much like boundaries between two states. They are not bad in themselves. They demarcate a border between two peoples so that there is mutual respect, and so that the people on the respective sides of the line can have a sense of jurisdictional integrity and identity. The problem is: a line also accentuates the differences between peoples on both sides of it. This consciousness of differences can be so heightened that it can alienate one from the other, become a barrier in communication, and ultimately threaten the unity of the peoples. In case you are thinking that I am writing a political commentary piece, I am not. I am using this as a reflection of all kinds of lines that separate people in society (in communities, and even families). I think of divides like rich/poor, local-/foreign-born, white-/blue-collared, academically/technically-inclined, and the list goes on. Each of these lines has the potential to fragment communities. In each case, the 'inferior' side of the line is sensitive to their lower status and the natural thing to do is to seek solidarity within the comfort zone of mingling solely among themselves; the 'superior' side is also usually insensitive to the feelings of the other side and are quite happy to interact among themselves. With time, invisible (but very real) walls are formed which create suspicion, fear, and disunity within communities. Which is why I think that in every community (including family), we need "boundary crossers" who naturally look beyond the differences and have the communicative sensitivities to bridge peoples across these divides through common causes. These bridge-builders are so important to our society that we need a lot of them around. Which leads to why I am writing this piece in the first place: it arises from a question I ask myself, "in educating my children, do I imbue in them this boundary-crossing mindset? Or worse, do I accentuate these divides by (unconsciously) modeling stay-within-this-side thinking instead?

Thoughts on public sex

There have been quite a bit of media hooha on the couple who publicize their sex - with vivid images - in the open domain. It is shocking as most Asians still regard the sex act as a very private matter. Many are thus shocked that the couple has no qualms about challenging this social norm, and defending their right to do so despite calls for their repentance. On the other hand, as I thought about it, what they did actually shouldn't really surprise us. They are simply being consistent to a view of life that is shared by many (I suspect even among those who castigate them): moral relativism. It is a belief that there are no moral absolutes; instead, what is right or wrong depends on the times and the contexts in which one lives, or even one's personal point of view - that is, everyone is entitled to their own values so long as it doesn't harm others, so "don't tell me what to do. It is my business". In the case of the couple who parade their escapades, they are just carrying out this version of moral relativism - that, to them, sex is just an act of pleasure shared by two persons, no different from how others enjoy a meal together in a fun way - to its logical conclusion. Sadly, i think many of us, though outwardly moralistic, are secret moral relativist at heart. In other words, when pressed with a robust response to why we live the way we should - such as, why we do not endorse extra-marital affairs -, we may end up simply saying something along the lines that it is part of our personal value system, while acknowledging that others need not share the same. Well, It seems quite fine for us. But it is not quite a sufficient basis to educate our children on. How would we then answer if our children say, "in that case, I am different from you - unlike you, I move with the times ..."? Thankfully, we need not go down relativism's dead end. I tell my children that men, left to ourselves, contrary to how great we think ourselves to be, do not know what is right or wrong for us. We need a moral absolute that can come from one who is Absolute. Only He can tell us what is ultimately good for us. And it is in following God's wise design that we can derive the true happiness that is meant for us to enjoy. I believe this with all my heart, and pray that my children will learn the same.

Talking about sex

As most parents would testify, it is hard to talk about "sex" with our children. I recall the first time I broached it over our dinner table, it felt like it got stuck as a lump in my throat. I had to do the roundabout thing: do you know how plants multiply through fertilization? And how about animals? Have you seen how the lions copulate in the zoo? ... It was quite tough, but I got there. It was quite unnatural for me - having been brought up in a family that didn't discuss these matters openly. For me, I learnt it along the way from my friends - in hush tones and amidst lewd giggles - in school. It was quite bad 'education', as I picked up a lot of twisted ideas of what sex means, and had to spent many years subsequently unlearning them before slowly sorting my thoughts out about it. One perverse view of sex is the over-magnification of its attraction as pure sensual pleasure, obscuring the vital context within which this pleasure serves and derives its legitimacy from: marriage. This is God's design - that physical intimacy between husband and wife is both a physical expression of love between them as well as a glue that strengthens the bond in their marriage. But modern men have a knack for ripping out a wise design to take only the part - in this case, sex - that provides the quickest grafification. The Hollywood portrayal of sex as do-it-when-I-feel-like-it is a direct application of this perversion. It encourages an irresponsible and shallow understanding of sex that ultimately renders it as a hollow physical act and an irony - instead of bringing the satisfaction it promises, it creates a misplaced appetite for lust that is insatiable. When men isolate sex from marriage, they think it is a master stroke of ingenuity - to be able to enjoy pleasure without responsibility and accountability ( to God and wife). This deviation from God's design for true happiness may bring about fleeting pleasures, but never lasting satisfaction of the soul. [in fact, it results in lasting pains - morally, emotionally, and sometimes, even physically] But another wrong reaction - in the other extreme, and more common among boys who first hear about sex - is "eeee ... Yucks". Sex in this view is seen as 'dirty' and associated with something inordinate. This view must also be corrected - sex cannot be eeeky because God instituted it. It is part of His beautiful creation to be enjoyed under His wise design of marriage. The children should know that when their parents retire into the privacy of their bedroom, they are not doing some dark unspeakables in some dark corners of their room, they are living out one of the most beautiful expressions of love between man and woman as they rest assured within God's wonderful design. Well, I didn't intend to write so much on this. As you can see, there is quite a lot to untangle about sex. Which explains why I prefer that my children first hear it from me.

Setting expectations

This is a double whammy year: my eldest is sitting for his A level exams and my number 2 is doing her O level. Every now and then, we talked about the stresses they faced - most of the time, not from their parents. Tonight, both of them talked about how the school exam papers are usually set at a few notches tougher than the actual A or O level papers. This appears to be true for all the subjects they take. I know - this is an old 'trick' that teachers use. The logic is this: set the school papers consistently more challenging to raise the standards and expectations for students to strive towards. If they can reach it, excellent; but even if they fall short by a few rungs, still very good, as in, still A grade. [think about it, this somewhat epitomizes the 'singapore spirit' - for good or bad. It is that "meeting standard" is not good enough type of mentality; excellence far exceeding expectations is the goal for all]. I recall some words of wisdom I received from a principal in my early days of teaching. She said that setting higher-than-needed expectations is a "double-edged sword", meaning, it can motivate those who are already driven to excel, but it can also discourage those who are already struggling to meet the basic requirements. Constant use of such a double-edged instrument can thus cause a widening of the gap between these groups of students. I can't help making a connection to parenting. I think it is important that our children ought to make striving for excellence a necessary disposition in life. For that, there is certainly a place for parents to set high expectations for them - not just in studies, but in all other areas that we deem as important for them. Habitual mediocrity is damaging for the child, not to mention its impact to the whole of Singapore. But I have learnt that this is only one side of the story; our children need encouragement too. It is no good simply telling a child who is discouraged with failures that he needs to attain even higher standards than the ones that he had just failed in. He needs some timely encouragement instead. Perhaps one good form of encouragement is success itself. I have observed how words of praises and appreciation for small deeds of kindness and love - such as helping their mother with the dishes or giving me a hug - bring a smile on their faces when they are most 'down'. I am not sure if they are sufficient to encourage them. But I trust they all add up.

A day out with my daughter - Part II

While waiting for the movie, we both - separately and without collusion - wrote our thoughts on the day at kopitiam while having a drink. Mine appeared in the previous blog. Here is the one written by my daughter (with minor editing): "I expected going JCube with Dad: watching movie, going home - parents' modus operandi. I was thinking at first: another father-daughter bonding session that i can make use of to catch a movie. Thus, i did not expect the unusual experience i had today. After arriving at the mall and thinking that we were just in time for the movie we had wanted to watch, we found out that the movie was not showing. We decided to go for another movie and hence while waiting we went to a fastfood, unhealthy-full-of-preservatives-but-we-haven't-gone-there-for-ages place, KFC. Dad happened to comment on the slightly disabled people that KFC hired and announced his desire to patronise KFC more in future. My reflections: there are many other slightly disabled people out there who do not have employment. How can we help them? I am quite horrified whenever i think/read about these matters - when the rich gets richer and the poor poorer. I think of charity organisations whose managers take out so much of the donations meant for the needy. And ourselves? why do we live in such denial? We do not help, but just listen and shed crocodile tears. Yes, this world is not my home and i'm just passing through, but we cannot wallow in our own comforts and forget about the needs of others! Perhaps since this is about going-out-with-dad day that i am expected to write something about him. And yes, i have found that in everyone, there is a 'kindred soul' and my father has one. I want to see myself as a "helper of humans" and hope that this world may change."

A day out with my daughter

I took leave from work today to spend some time with my Number 3 - as this week is a school recess in Singapore. It is nice to have some 'exclusive time' with my daughter. [the children grow up so fast that I thought I better 'catch' more of them before these younger days zoom by]. we had lunch at an unusual place - KFC. it turned out to be quite an experience for me. [I urge readers to resist laughing at me at this point. Fastfood is rather unusual for my family, especially for me]. I queued up for the food. The first surprise was a sign displayed on the counter that read "This counter is served by a deaf crew ...". That was the first time I saw a sign like this in Singapore. "how do I communicate my order?" I wondered. When it came to my turn, I was a little nervous, compounded by the fact that mine was not the straightforward type of order - I wanted to replace a drink in the combo set, include a burger that is not part of a set, and do a egg tart add-on for the set. Well, as it turned out, a few finger swishing and hand waving did the job for her quite easily, and correctly done too. Still feeling rather amused, I returned to my seat and related the experience to my daughter. Before I could tell the whole story, another service staff came by with the egg tart - for delivery as I was told that it would be delayed.I told her that another burger was outstanding and needed to be delivered too. She seemed tom understand what i was asking, but from her facial expressions and bodily movements, it was clear to me that she could be easily labelled as 'cognitively challenged'. For me, I was won over by her ready smile and obliging charm. I was impressed with KFC - the management is open-hearted enough to take in among their ranks people whom others might have regarded as 'incapable'. Based on my experience today, they were anything but a liability - contributing in a productive way to the normal functioning of the outlet, not to mention raising the image of the entire organization. This experience served as a nice conversation piece with my daughter throughout my entire KFC lunch. I believed the experience and my reflections about it might be educational for her. I hoped she began to see that life is not merely about forging ahead amidst a competitive environment. It is also about looking around to help and appreciate others who may not be able to compete within the same arena as us - is, an important part of learning to be human. I believe a key defining attribute of a human is that of sensitivity to fellow humankind. [as an add on to this story, I realize that my daughter wrote about this exact same encounter too. She is willing to share it - I will include hers in a separate blog piece after this]. Somehow, i felt hope for Singapore. If KFC can do it, so can Singapore. [well, the burger arrived 15 min later, but still with a smile. This seriously challenges the claim of FASTfood. But somehow, it did not bother me one bit]

Why get married?

My elder daughter attended a talk today on "marriage" organized by the school. The teachers told her that the motivation for it was the noticeable increase in young people in Singapore who "do not see the point of getting married". I was just conducting a thought experiment within myself on how best to answer the question of "why marry?" Answer 1: "you need to get married to have children" Rebuttal: no. These days, there is hardly any stigma about having children out of wedlock. In any case, we do not intend to have children. Does your answer imply that if we do not want children that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 2: "being married is one of the happiest state in life" Rebuttal: looking at the married couples around me, they don't look very happy. In fact, some are so unhappy and regretful about their marriage that they are at the brink of divorce. I don't see what is so happy about that. I think we are happier as we are - free and easy. [Ah Leong: this is a sobering thought to me as a parent. How do my children view my marriage? Do they see a marriage that is happy and loving? If they see a dull and lifeless marriage played out in front of them everyday, it is hard to imagine them looking forward to marriage] Answer 3: "you need to get married to apply for a HDB flat" Rebuttal: didn't you hear the PM Lee rally speech. There will be changes to HDB purchasing rules to accommodate singles. Again, does it mean that if we intend to buy private (or fent a flat) that marriage is not relevant to us? Answer 4: "research shows that married people tend to stay together compared to co-habiting couples not bound by marriage." Rebuttal: that it happens to others does not mean that it should happen to me. In any case, so what - easy come easy go; if we are not happy together, just part ways. Less hurt than when we are bound by marriage, not to mention the legal battles surrounding matrimonial assets and all. [surprising yet true, this was indeed how one of my daughter's friend think] It appears that no pragmatic answer will satisfy a modern secular mind that does not see marriage belonging to the moral realm. This was indeed what I told my daughter - that marriage is meaningful and truly satisfying only if we understand it in the context of a God-ordained institution. It is God's design, not a man-made structure. As in all things, true and lasting happiness is found when we follow the design and understand the significance of the design from the perspective of the Designer. Rebellion from this order may bring about a fleeting sense of liberation, but will ultimately lead to emptiness and disillusionment. God's ways are higher than our ways.

Threats to fatherly rest

Lately, a few of my friends who are also fathers have been talking about the need for fathers to learn how to rest (or "relak" as singaporeans would say it). As the Chinese saying goes, rest is essential to walk the long distance - in this case, the long walk of parenting. Indeed, there is a need for rest, because fathers tend to fret about many things about our children - their studies, their behaviors, the friends they hang around with, the language they use etc - over and above the stresses of work we experience daily. Apart from setting aside time to rest - to reflect, pray, read, I think there is a need for us to have a restful disposition. By this, I mean the temperament to truly rest our body and soul. In my interaction with my contemporaries, I have found some threats to this restful disposition. One of it is body-mind disjunction. There was a time in my life when I was at work, I thought about the home; and when I was at home, i worried about work. In other words, the body and mind were at different 'places'. This is a very distressing situation, not to mention that this is highly unproductive both ways - in the end, you don't do any of the roles well. Moreover, it causes us to be restless and ultimately joyless - not able to enjoy the work nor the home. At some point in my life, I resolved to keep a strict administrative separation: when I am at home, I concentrate fully on the affairs of the home and resist the temptation (a very real one) to think about work - because, really, it doesn't help anyway; and when I am at work, to focus on doing my work well and not worry about the happenings at home, no matter how difficult things are there. I confess that it is not easy to make the strict separation, and it requires discipline -for example, not to bring work home to tempt the conflation. But over the years, I have learnt enjoyed the fruits of this disciplined separation - restfulness and enjoyment of each of these roles. Another related threat to restfulness is that of living in the past and the future - and thus missing out on enjoying the present. Some of us have a tendency to think about what might have been if we had taken such and such a course and spend a lot of time regretting about wrong decisions. While it is important that we learn from the past, it is quite different to dwell on the past to the point that we do not savor the present. others like to cast their minds on the future and think about what is coming - whether out of excitement or dread. This can also make us unable to enjoy the here and now. One common wisdom shared among parents who are older is this, "enjoy your children; they grow up very fast." many young parents ignore this advice - only to look back much in regret later to realize the wisdom of the advice. It is true that parents can be so engrossed with preparing our children for the future - like getting them to study hard, inculcating in them good habits etc - that we miss out on enjoying them NOW. When our minds are in a state of constantly shifting between past and future, we miss out on resting in the present - and treasuring the beauties that it brings. One of my favorite resting pose these days is to sit on my papa's chair (as my children will call it) and just observe the children. Often they are not aware that I am observing them. They don't do anything unusual - just going about doing the things they usually do. Doing so brings a smile on my face - a wonder that God has kept them all these years - as I enjoy the "present".

Thoughts on National Day

Today is the 47th National Day - celebrating the independence of Singapore. I took the opportunity to ask my children what they thought about National Day over dinner table a few days ago. Here were their responses. 5 year old: great! 11 year old: ok lor. 16 year old: I think the whole thing, including the celebrations in schools, school participation in NDP performances, the community songs etc, is a form of propaganda. I was amused at the different levels of enthusiasm displayed: roughly inversely proportional to their age. But I was particularly struck by the response of the Number 2 - struck by how she responded intellectually rather than emotionally to my prompt. I tended to think that for school-going children and youths, National Day would move their hearts rather than their minds. But since she started it, being a responsible father, I thought I shouldn't leave the "propaganda talk" dangling there. I commented that propaganda is necessary in every country, but what matters were the messages and the motives of those behind the propaganda. Then came the eldest: I think, dad, it is really hard to be a leader. They must take the criticism of the people while trying to do a good job. It is not easy. He went on to share about how his schoolmates around him tend to complain of things they are not happy about the country and how they envisage life in other countries are much better. Having taken on leadership roles in his school club, he knows that the perspectives from those who lead can be very different - they have to balance so many competing priorities to maintain the 'big picture' that it is almost impossible to please everyone. He imagined this challenge of balance is magnified many times at the level of country leadership. I think this ability to see things from multiple perspectives - including the perspective of our bosses and leaders - an important disposition. It discourages tunnel vision and encourages empathy for others (even those whom we disagree with). It also helps us make decisions that are more inclusive. But I am a little sad that (with the exception of the youngest) the children hardly displayed any spontaneous expression of patriotism or emotionally-charged joy typical of an event that is worth celebrating. But looking at myself, it is not surprising: I am hardly a good role model at that. In this regard, my wife is far better. Her actions speak louder than words: she orchestrated a patriotic rendition of "home" by the 3 younger children as a way to whip up some loyalty-in-action in them. [you can view it in Facebook by going to See Lay Keng's homepage]. Happy Birthday Singapore.

Thoughts on holistic education

Have been thinking about "holistic [or is it wholistic?] education". It is the latest "in thing" in the singapore education scene. I started by assuming that "whole" consists of "parts" and directed my thoughts to what constitute these "parts". We can easily rattle off a few: academic, sports, music, arts, science, ... But as soon as you finish off this list, you can think of something you leave out in other domains of education, such as computer literacy, social adeptness, cross-cultural savvy etc. In other words, the list does not end. it soon became clear that this is not the way to go for a parent who is thinking about which "parts" in the holistic education my children are missing out on. Because it leads to an add-on mentality: trying to squeeze out more and more time in the children's already crowded daily schedule for more and more of these "parts" we think they are deficient in. I switch my thoughts then on what is the "whole" instead. It cannot simply be the aggregation of the "parts", else we fall back to the add-on mentality. It should be something that stands above the "parts" and serve as an organizing principle of life that ties all the "parts" together, rendering them meaningful for a higher purpose. To me, this "whole" is the value system we uphold and should be the consistent theme of our emphasis to our children as parents - both in word and deed. The other "parts", whether they be academic results, performance in sports etc, must be subordinated to this greater principle and goals of education. To me, being a Christian, this "whole" is naturally the Christian life-and-world view. It is about living our lives conscious that we are subject to our creator God and seeing all events of the world as an unfolding drama of His plan. It is this "whole" that gives coherence to all the other "parts" of education. For example, studying science becomes meaningful under this view because it educates us about the beauty/order that God created; learning to be sociable across communities is necessary because interpersonal contact to all classes of God's people is the primary means that He ordains for our mutual experiential growth of knowledge about living in this world. It is very important to me as a parent to hold on firmly to this "whole" because it is easy - in this busy life of competing priorities - to lose sight of it and allow the less important "parts" to usurp its place. It is also a reminder that other subordinate contents of education are not ends in themselves, but opportunities for me to lead my children to constantly revise this organizing theme: God provides meaning to every branch of knowledge and experience; and we can only find full satisfaction in Him.

one to one

I was at my church camp in the past week. I was looking forward to it for many reasons. One of it was the opportunity to spend time with my family - away from the usual routines of school, schoolwork, cooking etc - before school restarts and the stresses the children face limit my leisure time with them. But what turned out was something I hardly expected. My eldest bunked in with a fellow youth and was among other youths throughout the camp so I hardly saw him [but we did have a good chat after the camp at delifrance over coffee break ...]; number two was so busy with CCA and DSA that she had to pull out of camp last minute; number three volunteered for some artwork Programme in the camp and was so committed that, though she shared room with us, we only saw her just before sleeping time and a little after waking time. My wife was also too busy for me - my mother in law came for the camp and she needed to help her around. So only one person in the family had time for me: the youngest 5-year old. Well, it meant that all that my wife usually does with him - feeding him, helping him during sermon time, watching over his safety, bringing him to the pool, showering him etc - was taken over by yours truly. For the first few hours, I could sense that he was not used to second-rate service. [dad doesn't fuss around him so much, doesn't give him many options of food, is stricter with his manners etc]. After a while, he learnt to accept the fact that dad would be 'mum' for much of the camp. As it turned out, it was a blessing in disguise. I realized the last few days was a period that I spent the most time with my youngest child. I watched over every detail of his life and learnt to enjoy his company with me throughout the day. This is something I never get to do on normal days when I had to distribute my time among four (not to forget also time with my wife). It just occurred to me that it is a priceless blessing to watch in close quarter and share in the experience of my growing child in the significant milestones of growth in his life: able to read, able to feed himself, able to swim without floats ... It is a good reminder that I should spend more time to enjoy my children (not just corporately, but also individually) as they are growing up fast. Once past, that earlier stage of their lives cannot be 'relived'. So we shouldn't think of it as responsibility or duty, but rather as a pleasure and blessing.

Lessons from Kilimanjaro

I returned from the Mt Kilimanjaro climb about a week ago. It has taken a while for the realities of the experiences to set in ... I thought to share some lessons here before they become distant memory. It was a very tough climb - both physically and mentally. it took the team more than 8 hrs in the final ascent day to get to the summit - amidst subzero temperature, unrelenting blasting wind, low levels of oxygen, slippery slopes, lack of sleep, and under the cover of darkness. But i suppose all these contribute to the sweetness of success. There is a sense in which, without the toughness, there will be less satisfaction: the strength of the feeling of achievement comes with the toughness of getting there. It is consistent with the adage of "no pain no gain", implying that "gain" comes through "pain". This reminds me that this might be the same for the children too. Often, there is temptation to shield our children from toughness. But worthwhile goals in life often come with a lot of exertion and perseverance through toughness. I think of the common complaints that my children offered when they were younger, "this CCA practices are so tough and boring; when I first joined, I thought it would be fun!" my initial instinct was to release them of their 'torture' by allowing them to quit. Later, I would learn that they should persevere for at least a reasonable length of time more. Usually, when they later tasted of the fruits of hard labour, they found the tough journey worthwhile and necessary. But one ingredient I thought was very important for the reaching of the summit was pole pole (pronounced as po-le po-le in Swahili which means going very slowly). The main problem hindering success is poor acclimatization, especially to the low levels of oxygen. Going pole pole increases the chance of our body getting used to lesser oxygen per inhale. Conversely, those who rush the ascent tends to accentuate the occurrence of acute mountain sickness. How true it is in the development of our children. It cannot be rushed, can it? It is easy for us to lose patience and want them to learn - fast (often faster than they are comfortable with) - and the effects can be worse. We need to observe their steps and follow their pace - one step at a time, slowly, often repeatedly. It may take very much longer, but we should get there nevertheless.

Loosening the grip ...

One of the sad ironies of life is this: the more you want something, the more it slips away from you. Whenever I think of this adage, the common soap-holding analogy comes to mind - hold it firmly and it stays in the hand; grip it tighter and it slips off the hand. This seems true in many things of life I have experienced: the more I want to hold on to a job, the more it seems to slip away; the more I want to salvage a relationship, the more we push one another apart; the more I want my chidren to conform to my ways, the more they seem to go other ways. The problem is not with the desire; the problem is when the desire for something starts to change me - change me into a desperate, unreasonable, narrow, and ... well- someone that is not fun to be with. I think of a typical example of this in the context of wanting our children to learn good habits. I can often want it so much that I keep correcting them for every single fault they manifest. It starts with occasional correction, then constant reminder, then soon, it degenerates into nagging. in the process, in the eyes of the children, I morph from a caring father into a pedantic foggie and into an unreasonable disciplinarian. Often, we are so caught up with our desire to change them that we are unaware of this process of negative change in ourselves. It is no wonder that many parents share that they find it so hard to help their children in their studies - the 'tuition' sessions usually degenerate into emotionally explosive encounters that leave two angry people: not exactly a conducive environment for learning to take place. Thankfully, in most cases, like the soap that slips off our hand, we can gently pick it up again - this time with greater caution against 'squeezing'. Parenting is a long journey. We can reflect on times when our desire for our children were so unrelenting that it got the better of us. With experience, we can learn when the temptation to 'squeeze' is coming and learn to consciously loosen up. Loosening up, by the way, is not to be confused with letting go. The latter is more akin to giving up; the former is about taking stock, self-reflect, and see ourselves from our children's perspective. For me, the soap bars slip off more often than I like. I pray that my children will be patient with me as I learn the art of soap-holding. Today is a special day: I am flying to Kilimanjaro to attempt to climb the mountain there - the tallest in Africa. I guess this lesson is applicable. I can want to scale the summit so much that it changes me into an irrational and over-gung-ho Lao uncle. Pray for me - that I will know when to loosen the grip.

Courage to take a drastic step when needed

I shared in my earlier blog on 29 Oct 2011 on "constantly stimulating our senses" that we are in a generation where we tend to yearn for constant stimulation - smartfone, Facebook, apps, emails, ... I ended the piece by sharing my apprehension about how my eldest son would take to this temptation for over-stimulation as he embarked on the smartfone lifestyle. It has been half a year since he was given so much 'power' in his hands. A few days ago, he gave me a surprise. He passed me the phone, "dad, this phone is yours now. I don't need it anymore." he has since transferred the 'power' to me, and in return took my 'classic' phone. He said that the basic features of calling and SMS in the 'classic' phone is all that he needs now, and he doesn't need all the other features of smartfone to distract him. Although he doesn't say it, I know it was not an easy decision for him. Based on my observation for the last half a year, his life was already so intertwined with the smartfone - checking emails, playing games, faceboo chats etc - it was very much his all-in-one communication and games console which i thought he would not be able to do without any more. I guess he has come to a point where he realize he cannot have it both ways: enjoying this liberty of easy access to these array of leisure/communication tools and yet not be tempted to use them excessively. I guess it requires humility to admit this: that one is too weak to strike this balance of liberty and so has to err on the side of caution. This reminds me of the bible teaching about "if my right eye offend thee, pluck it out ...". Clearly, the bible is not teaching literal disfigurement to avoid temptation. But I do believe these bible passages teach the need to take drastic action to deal with repeated difficulties to cope with certain temptations. I learnt an important lesson from my son: that if I am weighed down by a constant struggle over something not fundamental to true happiness in my life, I perhaps need the courage simply cut it off altogether.

Inculcating good habits in our children

Was thinking about this for much of the past week: how critical are the habits of young children in determining their way of life in much later years? Since I don't know enough about the lives of others, I started by examining the question in the light of my own experience. I think the simple answer is "yes, more critical than most would imagine". Take the example of reading for me. In my childhood and teenage years, reading was never the first priority. I read because I had to - to study for exams, to check out some information. In other words, reading was NOT a habit/routine in my life. Till this day, even after I realize how important reading is - for knowledge and the training of the mind - it somehow is not part of my daily way of life. As in, picking up a book to read is not a natural part of me; I had to consciously remind myself to do it. Or, if you like, reading is NOT pleasure for me, as it is for others I know.

this makes me think that, for habits that are worth carrying on in life, they are perhaps best inculcated in our children when they are much younger. I am beginning to learn - the hard way now - that if I take the easy route of 'letting them be' when they are younger, the good habits - such as being neat and organized, doing first things first, picking up a book to read etc - are far harder to inculcate when they are older and more 'hardened' in their ways.

On hindsight, it may also mean that, at an early stage of parenting, some lifestyle-changing decisions may have to be made. I recall one such change. I used to do this as soon as I come home from work: switch on the TV, slouch into the sofa, and hang my legs up. Hours usually passed unnoticed. My wife noticed that soon, this became the habit of my older children - the first habitual instinct for them when they were free was to go for the TV remote control. TV then had an uncanny way of gobbling up the time that can be spent in more wholesome ways. It came at time when we felt that we had to take a rather drastic decision to annul the habit - so that we could replace them with better ones, like having family dinner and worship after that. We decided to disconnect the TV from the channels. It was a painful decision for me - because by that time, I was a TV addict. True enough, I suffered from 'withdrawal symptoms'. But the positives we gradually got out of this decision far outweighed what I missed. [in fact, my eldest told me a few days ago that he now thinks that it was good for him].

The point is: good habits compete with bad ones. We may find the effort of inculcating good habits in our children (and in us, as models) far more difficult if we, at the same time, sabotage ourselves by inadvertently modeling bad habits. The easy part is in telling our children what good habits are; the difficult part is making painful lifestyle-changing decisions to weed out bad habits in ourselves and to start modeling good ones ...

Coping with 4 children

Whenever I meet a stranger and he/she discovers that I have 4 children, the most common reaction is, "how do you cope?" I usually just smile. actually, I never really gave this question much thought, till a few moments ago ...

As I look closer at myself, I realize that, with time, one of my coping strategy is essentially to lower the expectation for myself - as in the expectation of how much I can do for my children. it is to recognize that, given limited time and energy, I can't do everything. There is a need to prioritize. I guess when some people imagine a father of four children, they think of one constantly under pressure and in action - driving around to fetch children, coaching them in their school work, thinking of ways to earn more money to meet their growing needs, bringing them to vacations, dealing with their naughty behaviors ... [long list]. Actually, thinking about it, I do these things, but not to a point where doing so tires me and rips the enjoyment out of me. For example, I do drive my children to school - but not everyday; I do coach my children in their schoolwork - but not everyday; I do deal with their undesirable behaviours - but not every time.

In fact, a practical way for me to cope and prioritize these things is by way of a fixed
weekly schedule. I coach them in their schoolwork on tue and thur nights. I send them to school on wed, thur, and fri mornings ... But some may wonder, "what if your children want help for school work on other days of the week?" well, if it is a one-off question that requires only a short explanation, I would oblige; but if it requires involved explanations, I would ask them to wait till tue or thur nights. [to me, this is both a way to cope for me as well as a way for my children to learn not to take their dad for granted].

Of course, coping with the needs of children cannot be reduced to just a mechanical adherence to a schedule. I found it also important to deal with our own attitude towards our children. As I always advise my children: if there is something you have to do, it is much better to do it happily. I guess I have to apply it first to myself. Since being a father of 4 children is an 'inescapable responsibility', it is much better to do it happily. I find that once the mindset is one of enjoying the time with the children, the stresses are much reduced.

Ultimately, the answer to the question of "how I cope" is "I can't". At least, I can't do it alone. I have found one of the greatest encouragement of being a christian father is this: only God can move and change the hearts of my children; and I am so glad I can lean upon Him for that.

Thinking about thoughtful children

Have been thinking for some time now about the wisdom needed to bring up thoughtful children - as in, children who have a thinking and enquiring disposition about issues of life they read about or encounter. [I am aware that the word "thoughtful" has another more common usage that roughly means considerate to others. That is also another very important virtue, and perhaps a theme of another blog ...]. I like to see my children reflecting upon the things they experience - whether it be a book they read, a piece of news they encounter, or the opinions of someone they hear - and offering well-reasoned insights about them; and doing so on a regular basis.

I think the smartfone generation, with information literally at the fingertips, breeds a certain illusion: that since information is so readily available, we are now a "knowledge generation". The problem is: with so much more knowledge so quickly accessible, there is a temptation to skim knowledge on it's surface instead of thinking about them deeply. This is the proverbial "mile wide but inch deep" way of dealing with information. Many chidren (and adults) therefore think that we know a lot, but it may be the case of knowing very little about the things we know about.

The sad thing is that schools may not be of much help in this regard. The state of affairs of school 'education' in Singapore today is such that almost only the results matter. Teachers, too, (often unconsciously) teach by going straight to the end result of what they intend students to know, skipping much of the reasoning that leads to the results. As an example, I recall how my teachers taught me about the effect of multiplying a number by ten is the "moving of the decimal point one position to the right"; I don't recall the teacher discussing the reasoning process that leads to this result. I doubt it is much different today. [in fact, I checked with all my children who have passed this point of their maths learning. None of them can explain the process to me; neither can they recall the teachers explaining it to them].

So, I guess it is back on the shoulders of parents. It is not easy. I have been trying to ask more "why" questions to my children (especially the older ones). I also try to model thoughtfulness by talking aloud my thoughts to them whenever we discuss an issue (usually over dinner table).

Anyone has something to share on this matter?

Dad needs hugs

Unknown to me, one of the things that I have grown to look forward to when I step home from work is this: my four-year-old running towards me, take a great leap into my arms, culminating in what we have called a 'tight huggie'. I have always thought that it was a gesture of love that I show to my young son. As time went own, I am beginning to feel that it is the other way round too: a gesture of love from my son that I need each day.

Brought up in a 'typical' Chinese home, I am not used to this woozy idea of a father needing love. So it is a little embarrassing to admit this: I need love - from my wife, and my children. And not just from the occasional birthday gifts and regular acts of duty (something I don't despise though - because children obeying their parents is surely a consistent form of love). I also need regular tangible acts of love. It makes me feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. It makes me look forward to coming home.

Apart from the daily 'tight huggie' from my youngest - and he is the most consistent in the home, I also 'demand' a hug from my wife soon after that. [sometimes, my wife is busy at the kitchen and feels too busy to dispense these morsels of love. The youngest will then call out, "mummy, you forget to hug daddy!"] it is sometimes a nuisance to her - especially when she is about to pour the vegetables into the wok. But I am a bit spoilt - I stand there looking really miserable and mutter something like, "darling, i had a tiring day" until she wraps her arms around me. She doesn't say it - but I know she also looks forward to the hug from me each day ...

Although less frequently, I would occasionally go to my girls' (number 2 and 3) room in the night and ask for hugs too. The number 3 (11 years old) is a bit more generous. When she is on the mood, she would sit on my lap - to hug and kiss me goodnite. The number 2 (16 years old) is more miserly. She has started to feel shy, but still do not mind a hug and a peck on the cheek from me. As to the eldest boy (18 years old), hugs are out for a him - he will stiffen like a piece of wood. But putting my arms round his shoulders and giving him a hard pat on his back are what remains of physical bonding.

I guess we all need to be loved - in tangible ways, and regularly. I don't feel guilty or embarrassed asking for hugs any more.

Building friendship with my children

I received a parenting encouragement yesterday - from a surprising source: my father.

My family was having our regular once-a-week dinner-out with my parents. We were seated in longish tables - my parents were seated opposite my eldest son and I. I was having quite an extended chat with my son (on something that I couldn't remember exactly now, but it was about singapore's population; anyway, the contents of our chat is not the point here). Halfway in the chat, I noticed my parents were observing us carefully, then they started giggling. Distracted, I asked them to share the joke. They pointed to us and said, "both of you look more like friends, not father and son".

I am not sure if they meant to say it as something they felt positive or a sign of degenerationn of my fatherly authority. That they found it amusing could mean that it is something they find rare to them, and hopefully in a pleasantly refreshing way. I would interpret it positively. I have always thought that as my children grow up, my relationship with them should morph gradually from one of teacher-student to one of friends (and perhaps mentor-mentee). This way, they will find it easier to share to me their struggles of life and easier for me to present the more human aspect of myself to them too.

For a long time, I was wondering if I was making any progress in this long-term friendship-building exercise. It is encouraging to receive a positive report card occasionally from an external party, especially from one's father.

Focussing on the positives

The sermon in church today was taken from a passage that reads, "Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God ..." among the things the preacher mentioned was the highlighting of "with thanksgiving". To him, this phrase shows that one effective way to counter cares of life is to count our blessings; or, in other words, to focus on the positives, much less on the negatives.

As I was sitting there, I thought this idea of focussing on the positives instead of harping on the negatives can also be applied to our dealings with our children. Too often, perhaps due to our Chinese upbringing, the instinct is to zoom in on the children's weaknesses and their shortcomings. We see their poor grades, bad habits, disrespectfulness towards us, and ingratitude. In the process, we are conveniently blind to their helpfulness, cheerfulness, care for one another, thoughtfulness, and other positives. Many parents I know are very discouraged with parenting partly because of this imbalanced view of the children's negatives over the positives. We see our children through a critical lens instead of via a thankful one. I think we will all have more energies to soldier on as parents if we remind ourselves more of the positives.

Life is too short to grieve over our children's deficiencies and brood over what they can be like: bright, beautiful, obedient, grateful ... - all the perfect dream characteristics that we imagine other people's children possess. I think we should spend a large part of that time on just enjoying them for who they are, and being thankful for them at that.

How to communicate care to the children?

Many people tell me that communication is the key to good relationships. I believe that. This is why I have been working on it all these years - with my children. It is not getting easier, not only because more children came along down the road, but also because it gets more challenging when the children grow older into their teenage years. Some friends complained that their teenage children and them seem to be on 'different wavelengths', resulting in communication breakdowns.

On my part, I have had my fair share of such breakdowns - the 'conversation' ends abruptly with both feeling the other had not understood him/her. These happen when each wants to forward his/her agenda and there is no real listening carefully to the other person. I am the chief culprit of this: I want to tell my child something I think is important and I want to drum into him/her, regardless of whether the listener agrees or not. I am no expert in communication. But I know that this sort of 'conversation' will usually be unsuccessful because there is no sincere empathy for how the listener feels or would take to my message. In other words, I must start from my child's perspective of things, not mine alone. One archetypal example that my wife and I talk a lot about is what to say to my child at the door when he/she comes home late. We used to start the doorstep conversation by asking (or interrogating, really), "why so late? What happened?" without exception, the question is greeted with a black face and silence. We used this scenario to remind ourselves the pitfall of not taking the children's perspective when we want to communicate: we want to show care, but they read it as irritation and lack of understanding for a long hard day.

There are many things we want to communicate about with our children. But one of the most critical one is care. Yes, all parents care for their children in sacrificial ways that the children will never fully understand till they become parents. But it is also important that they feel the care communicated to them - not just from our lips but also from how we interact with them. Care-communication is an art with few masters. I guess we do it differently. Over the last few years, I have been trying to show care primarily through spending more time talking WITH (not just talking TO) them and enjoying their company. I think the physical component is important too - I give hugs to my children as often as I can [err, not to my eldest boy though - he will act squirmish, for him, I can still put my arm around his shoulders]. I must say these are not natural things for an 'eastern' guy like me brought up in a family where my parents' primary mode of care is to provide us with material things. I am not sure if my children feel my care - I should ask them - but i am certainly learning to enjoy their company and I do feel closer to their lives.